aku adalah angin...

this, this, this and this.

all pointing at him...

why?

is it bcoz someone might be thinking that i was wrong?

if so, tell me right on my face where the hell i gone wrong?

hidup ini tak ubah seperti sebuah drama di mana pada satu babak mampu membuat kau tertawa bahagia namun pada babak yg laen boleh membuat kau tersungkur menangisi kekecewaan dan kekalahan...

andai pernah melaluinya, cuba ceritakan padaku;

bagaimana rasanya memeluk mimpi dlm diam dan kemudian terpaksa membiarkannya mati perlahan2...???

maybe just one thing, that they do not realize...

she aint strong. she aint tough. she aint good. at all.

she's just a damn good pretender.

damn she needs those masks. desperately.

hi,
how are u?
any progress with ur 'animal planet - white ant project'?
is that mysterious cat still around?
how's ur love doing?
maseh tabah menunggu?
atau akhernya sudah menjemu?

well,
there are few more hows and whats,
but i guess it doesnt matter now.
coz after the only question i managed to ask,
i could see all the answers in ur face.
i understand, very well.
really do.

i am sorry.
i know these three words takkan mampu menampung semua yg telah berlaku.
diulangucap ber-gazillions kali pun takkan bawa apa2 makna lagi.
but...
i have nothing else to say, anyway.
and again, i'm sorry.
i'm sorry it has to end this way.

ever had the feeling that u were leading another life parallel to urs, a double life?

ever had that feeling that u spent most of ur life living in so many different masks sehingga kau tak kenal lagi siapa diri kau yg sebenarnya?

ever had the feeling that u have played suatu watak utk tempoh yg terlalu lama, long enuf to be unsure who is the real u?

ever had the feeling like u're becoming the worst version of ur own self? a self that has keeps on perpetuating by persepsi orang2 di sekeliling?

ok… maybe that's a little too drastic, let's take it down to something yg lebey mudah.

ever lived ur life wearing two (or could be more) faces? one which pple expect u to be and another who u are supposed to be or who u wanna be?

perfect husbands.

faithful wives.

anak soleh/solehah.

ibu mithali.

bapa sejati.

pekerja dedikasi.

penchenta abadi.

perendu setia.

happy couples.

damn sweet lovers.

freaking hot babes.

effing cool gentlemen.

educated academicians.

fucking smart persons.

devoted best of friends.

u name it all.

the sad truth is… i do have that feeling.

tapi, aku percaya, hampir setiap org berselindung behind one of those stupid masks.

dan aku jugak percaya, semua org throughout their lives wear the masks of un-truth to protect themselves… from pple and even from their own selves. however, ada sesetengah golongan that are forced to play constant roles that are not themselves. samada for a greater good or a needful purpose, they need to play those roles day in day out. but there comes a time when the line between those roles and the life u lead jadik blur. and when that happens… u're in trouble. u’ll know what i mean, if u ever been there.

now comes the BIG question:

DO WE ACTUALLY, REALLY NEED THOSE MASKS?

...so pple, if u happen to read this, which mask are u wearing at this very moment?

kita ada kerana tiada
kita ingin kerana mahu
kita malu kerana tahu
kita ikhlas kerana rela
kita emosi kerana rasa

life is one big war, indeed. semua org termasuk kau ibarat soldiers fighting an eternal battle di mana victory bermakna u will achieve contentment in life, maybe. but sekalipun kau succeed, u probably wouldn't even know it. u've been fighting this war for so long that u've forgotten what u're fighting for. u've forgotten what it means to rely back to back on the frens u trust. u've forgotten what it means to be in the arms of the person u love or to hold the hand and watch ur legacy grow up. u take this war for granted so much so that u're tearing urself up time after time becoz u forgot u're ekceli not fighting to survive… u're fighting to LIVE.

mungkin kedengaran agak pessimistic di situ, cynical even… but that's what life does to u. u start out carefree and innocent, then u get enlisted to fight for ur existance and it turns u into someone who can't see anything but the suffering u create in ur own world. tapi as cynical as u have become, consider urself lucky lah… cuba buka mata dan perhatikan betul2. how many pple actually do find some solace in this war? to still see some small hint of beauty and grace in a world built on uncertainty and self imposed misery. bertuahnya kau maseh mampu menyentuh lembut hujan, melihat cantiknya bulan, dan berbual dgn indah malam di tgh kalut kota.

u are soldiers alright… born into a world where u fight to live. u meant to die to ensure that ur future generation is better than u are now. tapi harus lah kan, u can't do that if 3/4 of the world gets so worked up over what they cannot change. memetik kata buddha, satu kepastian dlm hidup is that we all suffer. jadi bayangkan, kalau semua org suffer… no one said u can't turn it into ur advantage. tak berniat to go all masochistic or sadistic on pple, on u to be exact… just that there is a reason why u, and everybody else of course, suffer. if not to grow stronger for the future u're meant to build then what? kalau dlm military we push recruits to the limit to make them faster, stronger and better than they were. begitulah juga qaedahnya dlm hidup!

sebagai manusia semua org akan complain life sucks and what not. even pak2 imam berkopiah tu pun pandai complain kerajaan itu ini, rite? but did anyone not notice maybe that's how it's supposed to be? semua kepayahan dan kebertentangan itu only to make u better and stronger if u can overcome it. seems pretty logical, rite? so screw it all… so life is miserable, but u see what is supposed to be there, the only beauty and grace that all this suffering gives u. hope. hope that by surviving thru basic training, u can at least have a chance to make a better difference for not just ur future… but for frens u fight side by side, for the loved ones u hold on to and for the children who are ur future.

now, isn't that worth fighting for… isn't that worth dying for?

life just never stops to remind me that i’m at it's mercy demmit. entah berapa kali must it remind me that one minute aku bley jadi one of the most contented human being on the planet tanpa pedulik sekuping haram pun for the world, and then the next minute i’m on the edge becoz all those reasons for contentment are the smoke screens to the ever unravelling thread of my perceptive reality…

pain is the key word of the day. it's nothing much… started with yet another restless sleepless nite, i find myself bangun pepagi alam (belum subuh pun ekceli) and dgn gigihnya ber-morning walk around flat2 sesak kat sini (sambil berimajinasi nak dpt se-unit so aku bley dok sorang2 and pasang home theatre and ber-karok kuat2 sampai menyaketkan atey jiran tetangga…) all the times both my legs were screaming for me to stop, but i kept on walking non-stop for like maybe 2 freaking hours walaupun rasanya mcm kepala lutut akan tertanggal at any given time. i didn’t run, mind u, i just walked, and walked and walked. then the usual throbbing headaches (why o why, u failed me synflex?), the constant tummy ache and this weird repeated muscle pull on my chest all the way to my shoulder.

aku sendiri tatau which should be worse, the fact that i am physically (not to mention emotionally) hurting really, really bad or the fact i don't pay any attention to it at all. i know i should be doing something about it, like see any ustaz yg terer2 and bukan setakat jumpa doctor and feed myself dgn ntah hape2 ubat lagi, but i dunno… it's just… well… it's nothing at all… i'll live. somehow i will.

then there is the whole worry thing. things that i can't avoid that just gives me this tight knot in my stomach, makes my heartbeat jadik super laju, and jantung terasa mcm dipulas2. things that are soooo gigantic that it gives me that surreal feeling… like it can't be happening to me but it is. puas ler aku cuba pejam2 my eyes and deal with things one step at the time with priorities first, but no matter what, it'll always come back to those few things in mind. it scares me to play it all in my head, sungguh, mcm horror movies yg asyik berulang tayang dlm kepala. but i can't help it. i can't stop it from playing and i very well can't shut the demmm voices up. all i can do is ride it out and make sure i don't fall off my bed doing so.

there are days when i just don't feel like fighting anymore. this is one of those days… but damned if i have to anyway. it's not something that can be stopped. life doesn't give a fucking shit whether or not aku keep fighting or jadik pompuan lembik yg kememeh, it just… keeps on moving. i just wish i could crawl up in a hole and wait for everything to right itself… HAH!!! i'd probably have to get in line with the rest of the world lah kalau mcm tu. so the least i can do now while i'm waiting is to keep doing whatever i can to make sure this fragile life that i built around me doesn't completely fall to bits. someone's gotta save me… might as well be myself, bukan org laen.

now if any of u folks yg bernaseb malang terbaca entri ni, skipped to this last paragraph becoz u thought i was babbling incomprehensibly… then u're probably on the right mind. some days even i don't make sense to me. i probably skipped to this last paragraph myself… and… there i'm membebel2 again. one of these days i'm going be found wandering the streets talking to myself. at this rate… it'll probably be soon, ye lah, pagi tadi pun dah ada tanda2 kannn...

demmm…

i.just.want.to.sleep.