tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37508556794770041272024-02-08T09:11:46.288+08:00aku adalah angin...as free as the wind...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger284125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-43676543362486275302012-06-09T00:16:00.000+08:002012-06-09T00:21:48.477+08:00Shattered dreams...<span >Life, is like a multiple choice of question.</span><div><span >Sometimes the choices confuse you, not the question itself.</span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 100%; "><span >Afterall, being alone is better than being with the wrong person.</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-70058397871770457772011-08-13T01:26:00.008+08:002011-08-13T01:59:34.425+08:00Undeniable truth...<div><span class="" >I might have deleted our conversations, but I will never forget what you wrote.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I might have removed you from my life, but I will never forget that for a while you were part of it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >We might have stopped talking, but I will never forget the sound of your voice.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >No matter how I try to deny, I will always remember every detail, every moment, every piece of the memories you've left.</span></div><div><span class="" >No matter how much I try to forget, it will always, always be there...</span>
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<br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-83077905758363063552011-05-19T23:08:00.000+08:002011-05-19T23:19:51.959+08:00Sebenarnya...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Aku rindu kamu...</span><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Tapi kamu takkan pernah tau, kan?</span></span><br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">*sigh*</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-37357802997214287912011-01-02T15:33:00.006+08:002011-01-02T16:38:02.535+08:00missing him...<span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">it's been a month, exactly 30 days since u left us... </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">and finally u came in my dream last nite...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">i hugged u like never before...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">and i said, </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(102, 0, 204);font-family:georgia;" >'papa... akak rendu papa...'</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">u didnt say a thing, but thru the heartbeat, i feel like i can hear u say, </span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(102, 0, 204);font-family:georgia;" >'papa tau... papa tau...'</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">do u, really?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">i've said it thousands times when u were still with us, and i'll never stop telling u that...</span><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(102, 0, 204);font-family:georgia;" >akak saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaannnnngggggg papa...</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(102, 0, 204);font-family:georgia;" >papa lah papa akak dunia akhirat...</span></span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCiDrCqvGu2cs_ZBg6F3gDeXz1Z0u8l7SSRZCF7FQZkyO-hs0SUNvjTnL0Smzm68fis3Z6_H5o1R5FBYWScy607AND0K8WrTte-sWJppUoX4BXC9v136zKdzTuz5LDGSPPnjVhC_9ZC1P3/s1600/DSC_4625.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 368px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCiDrCqvGu2cs_ZBg6F3gDeXz1Z0u8l7SSRZCF7FQZkyO-hs0SUNvjTnL0Smzm68fis3Z6_H5o1R5FBYWScy607AND0K8WrTte-sWJppUoX4BXC9v136zKdzTuz5LDGSPPnjVhC_9ZC1P3/s200/DSC_4625.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557501538037664146" border="0" /></a></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);font-family:georgia;" >al-fatihah untuk papa...</span><br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0); font-weight: bold;font-family:georgia;" >19th mei 1943 - 3rd dec 2010</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-64045397160055486762010-10-12T15:22:00.002+08:002010-10-12T15:34:45.488+08:00perhaps...<span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">u're just two different puzzles all put together, becoz none of the pieces fit each other.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">now u're falling apart inside, tired of constant trying,</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">u realize u gotta stop, there's nothing else u could do.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">just let go, move on...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">perhaps, that's the only thing u could do...</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-82989187430218156022010-10-11T10:35:00.000+08:002010-10-11T10:41:17.438+08:00shattered dreams...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">i'm already sick and tired of fighting all these losing battles...<br /></span><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">but so long as i live,<br />the war continues...</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-36297375051305208932010-09-28T14:23:00.000+08:002010-09-28T14:47:16.774+08:00dear my dear...<span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">kamu bukan lagi parah, tapi tenat!!!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">sebagai satu-satunya entiti yg paling dekat dgnmu, aku turut berasa sakit.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">jadi terserahlah;</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">if a mask can make it easier to deal with, then put it on...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">but u must understand, </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">that all the masks u're wearing will only make u suffer even harder.</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-30296755526709052982010-09-22T14:05:00.000+08:002010-09-22T14:33:48.629+08:00it is chosen...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">kerana...</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">sebagai manusia,</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">aku sayang padamu...</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-47548515435017718812010-09-20T03:25:00.001+08:002010-09-20T13:59:50.748+08:00note to self<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-size:130%;" >it's not a fair game u play...<br />sehingga kamu tahu apa sebenarnya yg kamu inginkan...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-size:130%;" >or do u?</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-22576311266784629632010-08-04T17:20:00.003+08:002010-08-04T17:33:59.843+08:00congratulations!!! #2<span style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">u did it eventually. walaupun kamu sempat muntah dengan teruk sebelum betul2 mampu melakukannya.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> it's been like forever of holding ur breath and at the end of it, kamu mengambil kata putus untuk menamatkan segalanya on a single fateful monday afternoon. the endless painful agony has finally ended, because of that single fb post. setelah kamu tersedar bahawa kemunculannya dalam hidup kamu tidak lain hanya untuk membuktikan teori kamu selama ini memang benar. lucu kan, semuanya sama saja walaupun sekeras mana mereka cuba membuktikan mereka berbeza. dan kau sempat mempercayainya!!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">but now, the weight that has been on ur back has been lifted. u survived. today, u're still breathing. u're still alive.<br /><br /></span></span> <p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;">alive to do the things u wanna do. alive to do the things u should do. alive to stay the course u know u have to take. alive to keep the promises u had to make.<br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;">for the most part, there was a price to pay for that victory, both physically and emotionally. kamu terluka teruk, seperti terjatuh dari langet dan terhempas atas batuan gurun yg panas menyengat... but like all the hellish trials in ur life, surviving them results in u changing ur entire perspective of life. consider urself the luckiest person in the world. u still have God's Grace. well, it's hard to dispute that now even for an agnostic u, rite?</span></p><p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span> </p> <p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;">yet life goes on. u can waffle on about how u've been feeling for the past couple of years, drunk on the triumph of the moment and excess energy that has kept u going in the darkness, but the truth is, the world still turns and life still goes on...</span></p><p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:130%;">selamat mecipta memori yg lebih indah... dan semoga kamu lebih berhati2 agar tak kecundang lagi!!!</span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-73555808686293531972010-08-03T16:06:00.002+08:002010-08-04T16:05:04.044+08:00moment of truth...<div style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" class="entry"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">if there was ever the most desperate time of my life, perhaps it would be now.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">if there was ever the bleakest moment of my life, maybe it would be this.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">if there was ever a realization that even mistakes in the naivety and curiosity of youth can't escape, possibly it would be this moment.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">if there was ever a chance that everything i've worked hard and dreamed for could be destroyed in an instant, it would be this throw.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">everything comes full circle, secrets will come to pass. nothing will escape judgment, and forever will never last.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">and my tradition of birthdays has never changed. it will always be a nitemare of trouble, one i know i cannot wake from.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">a nitemare i know i cannot resolve.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">a nitemare i know will probably kill me in the end.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">and this last brick in my hand... will be put to where it should be.</span></p> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-80513447588115441022010-08-02T01:06:00.000+08:002010-08-02T01:22:01.922+08:00kamu tahu bagaimana...???<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin meninggalkan bahagian hidup yang dulu pernah sempat kamu terfikir bahawa this is it?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin melupakan kepingan2 waktu yang dulu pernah menyentuh hari-harimu dengan dekat?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin berhenti dan menamatkan segalanya yang pernah kamu percayai?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin menyudahi sesuatu yang kamu dulunya kamu bekerja keras berusaha melakukannya?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya hidup seperti berjalan di titian yang rapuh, meskipun kamu tahu banyak tangan yang ingin membantu langkahmu?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin sendiri saja, walaupun kamu tahu kalau seluruh dunia sedang ingin mengajakmu tersenyum?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya memiliki kepercayaan yang semakin pudar, padahal kamu tahu Tuhan sentiasa mendengarkan?</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">well… i know.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">i thought i can do it, but i cant. walaupun pelbagai cara telah dilakukan supaya aku lebih bersedia ketika saat itu sampai.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">BUT I CANT... bila ada dua bahagian dalam diri yang sedang berperang mempertahankan pendirian. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">dan akhirnya hanya ini yang mampu lakukan, membiarkan peperangan berlanjutan sampai aku betul2 bersedia untuk menamatkannya...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">the day had passed, but i still have the final brick in the palm of my hands, waiting to be placed where it supposed to be.</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-39789945031300326592010-08-01T17:46:00.001+08:002010-08-02T01:17:01.432+08:00congratulations!!!<div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-size:180%;" ><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">u've successfully reached ur 30th years of life by being single...<br /><br /><br />so,<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">another 30 years of living alone,<br />all on ur own wouldnt be so hard then...!!!<br /><br /></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-11079036602843886462010-07-20T01:55:00.004+08:002010-07-20T03:17:25.790+08:00aku adalah angin...<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;">diam, bukan bermakna tiada rasa yg tercurah... </span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">cuma mungkin terlalu personal sehingga harus berfikir lama untuk menekan butang oren. ketika itu, memilih butang biru adalah jalan yg paleng mudah. jadi sehingga kini, senarai draft lebey berjela panjangnya dari published post. samada semua racaugalau yg berjaya terluah sebagai draft itu akan kekal begitu, atau akhernya terpilih untuk disiarkan, biar waktu menentukan... </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">sekarang ini, konsentrasi 190% adalah pada binaan itu.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">hanya tinggal 12 bata untuk dinaekkan.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">semuanya harus sempurna.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">segalanya mesti tepat pada tempatnya.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">tidak boleh ada cela.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">jangan sampai tersilap letaknya.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">dan,</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"></span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;">tatkala </span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;"></span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;">siap </span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;">sempurna </span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;">binaan itu; irama baru akan digubah, </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">tarian hidup akan berubah.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">aku,</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">sudah bersediakah?</span><br /><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-22686347115868598852010-07-04T15:28:00.004+08:002010-07-04T15:41:43.602+08:00the haunting nitemare that could end it all...<div style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: arial;font-family:georgia;" class="border"><span style="font-size:130%;">bukan mudah untuk melangsung kehidupan tanpa resah gundah when u have no idea bila masa itu akan benar2 sampai.<br />bukan mudah untuk terus bernafas seperti manusia normal laen when u don't know how it will strike u with fatal blow.<br />bukan mudah untuk menghargai setiap detik dan saat when u have to keep watching ur own back.<br /><br /></span><div class="entry"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">like a prisoner on death row, the end could come at any time.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">i dont want this dream to end, but the inevitable has to come to pass as setiap mimpi tak kira indah atau mengerikan harus berakher saat fajar menjelang.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">it's just a matter of whether or not the nightmare will take its place as expected.<br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">and the clock is ticking, it always does.</span></p> </div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-39780638476902604592010-07-01T01:03:00.001+08:002010-07-03T13:13:33.100+08:00today, is one of those days...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" >sometimes, on the darkest days di mana tiada segaris cahaya pun sudi menyuluh jalan, di mana no one is there untuk menjadi bahu tempat bersandar meringan beban, when no one watches dan berkongsi segala kekusutan, when no one listens to whatever my heart wants to sing or my soul to cry, i like to sit down in the corner of the darkness and watch my own self bleed, and the rest of the world to burn...<br /><br /><br /></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" >dan hari ini, adalah antara sekian banyak hari2 itu...</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-39070309497849873482010-06-29T17:47:00.001+08:002010-07-03T16:08:55.668+08:00somehow u will...<div style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="border"><span style="font-size:130%;">kadang2, the only thing u can do is pray, which i know is the hardest thing to do bilamana kau sering sekali mempersoalkan Penguasa Langet samada Dia betul2 mendengar doamu.<br /><br /></span><div class="entry"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">dan bila seluruh ruang lingkup kehidupanmu is based on objectifying and cataloging every moment of setiap pengalaman dan rencah hidup yang telah kau tempuh, u know u've hit the deepest end when the only solution u can turn to is an abstract of human faith.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">i know, u're now lie in the hard, deep end... sebuah lohong gelap yang tidak terjangkau walau sekilas cahaya pun. and u don't know how u're going to get out of this one.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">but trust me, i know somehow u will.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">dan Dia juga sentiasa mendengarkan kamu, u know.</span></p> </div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-84037188585387043482010-06-25T14:20:00.004+08:002010-06-25T14:50:41.540+08:00thank u...<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">for everything u've done for me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">for all the years u've stand by me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">and for all the things u've said last nite,</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">i thank u...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">for taking me as what i am.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">for always being there no matter how difficult urs truly is.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">i thank u...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">i couldnt ask for more.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">thank u, pakcik.</span></span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-1442089472665686672010-06-20T17:46:00.000+08:002010-07-03T16:40:10.179+08:00things in this world...<div style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(204, 102, 204);" class="border"><span style="font-size:130%;">ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not hear, and u have heard it.</span><div class="entry"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not say, and u have said it.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not see, and u have seen it.</span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not do, and yes, u have done it.</span></p><span style="font-size:130%;">ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should do, but no, u chose not to do it.<br /><br /></span> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">nor should u be compelled to, but its sweet call will always be there and u're not but human.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"> oh God give her the strength and wisdom to see this through. or at least show her a resolution everybody can be happy about.</span></p> </div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-54554580103727955352010-06-05T09:51:00.002+08:002010-06-05T10:24:06.377+08:00dear God...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">since been having this stupid thingy, it's always been hard to get out of my bed everytime i wake up from deep sleep (meaning, sleeping in static position for more than an hour), but today is the most difficult. set my alarm at 7.30 because i need to pack my things and go to the office as soon as i can. BUT, it took me almost half an hour just to lift my right hand and when i finally managed to step my feet on the floor, it was already 9 o'clock. the bed was soaking wet with sweat, and my pillow with tears. it's just too painful...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">i keep trying to stay positive, but things are getting worse, and i dunno if i can make it for the next 14 days...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">help me God...</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-60884889541947119692010-05-31T16:26:00.001+08:002010-06-01T00:40:22.925+08:00let's talk about it...<div style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="entry"> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">it hurts doesnt it? to do what u did. to go thru what u did. it always hurts. more so the 1st time u go thru with it. even though u know it's the right thing to do. even though u know there is no other option than what was laid down before u. even though u know it will be by ur very own hand. it hurts. it always does.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">when it's over, u'll look back at it knowing that some things in life dont come easy. u'll look back knowing that with that equal amount of pleasure, there has to be the pain that comes with making that choice, going thru that decision. most importantly, u'll look back knowing that it will be the exactly moment in life u started to grow up and make the better choices in life.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">nothing in life is ever that sure. u should know, u've debated about it for more than u've realized. it probably gave u more than ur fair share of sleepless night over it. even after it's been done, u're just not sure if u've done the right thing. u don't know if what will happen will ever be the same anymore. all the doubts, all the fears, all the guilt, they just stand in the way of making the choices that u know u need to make. they cloud u from the truth that things aren't what were in the years before this.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">but guilt… is a good thing. conscience is what tells u that u're still a good person. it's what tells u that u're still human. dont look to other pple. there's no use. everybody's just the same. u've fallen from ur own graces. u've walked away from ur own conscience, walked away from ur own guilt about the things u have done. the history repeats itself, in a different way. yeah u feel bad, but congratulations, u're still a decent human being.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">i, as another u, can't promise u that it's not going to hurt the next time. i, that live in u, can't promise u that the next one will be just as what u went thru before. i, ur very own alter-ego, can't promise anything that lies in the future because really… no one can. what i can tell u is that this time, u'll be better prepared for what may come. that's what life is all about. not in the anticipating the moments, but knowing how to deal with what nightmares and dreamscapes that may come. u'll be smarter then… that much i can promise u.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">after all that's said and done, after all that's happened and will happen. life does indeed go on. it may hurt. it may sting. it may feel like there is an empty gaping hole where what mattered most once was. but life goes on and there is no sense in living in that moment of pain. u know because u've lived it before. i was there with u when u did. i'm always with u. u know there was no greater pain than what u've been thru. u know what u're going thru will be over. and u know i'll always be here for u. because no one else will.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">u only have me. we only have each other...</span></p> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-52318594728237626402010-05-28T00:05:00.001+08:002010-05-29T12:23:14.256+08:00because i hoped...<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-family:georgia;">bbrp minggu kebelakangan, ada satu soalan yg sentiasa menyesakkan kepala. tak jumpa jawapan pada diri sendiri, beralih tanya pada Yg Lebih Tahu. Dia menemukan dgn Ray, lalu sedikit sebanyak meringankan sesak yg kalau tidak hampir putus nafas memikirkannya. namun dlm kembara bersama Ray, aku cuma belajar menerima hakikat bahawa setiap sesuatu perkara itu ada sbb dan akibatnya. Tuhan tidak menjadikannya berlaku sia2, pasti ada yg tersembunyi disebalik setiap kejadian.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">tiada jawapan utk pertanyaan aku yg satu itu, melainkan pengertian. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">sehinggalah petang tadi, aku ditakdirkan bertemu dgn jawapan yg aku cari2 sejak bbrp minggu kebelakangan. hoho tidaaaaakkk, tidak ada malaikat bersayap indah datang bertenggek di sebelahku, tidak ada juga org dgn wajah menyenangkan menepuk lembut bahuku. tidak ada. jawapan itu datang begitu saja. tepatnya, sewaktu aku sedang berhempas pulas melawan percikan minyak panas di dlm kuali kerana menggoreng ikan jaket. ketika itulah Tuhan berbaek hatey memberi aku jawapan.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">aku masih ingat, kira2 setahun lps, buat pertama kali, aku belajar masak sayur kobis masak lemak (yg gagal, sebab rasanya sungguh pelik). aku goreng ikan dan telur dadar dan bungkus semua dlm tupperware bersama nasi. masuk dlm paperbag, dan akhernya dibuka semula di dataran merdeka. dia... lelaki yg dulunya memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' makan apa yg aku masak walaupun nampak terpaksa. dan aku bersungguh2 melihat dia makan tanpa menyedari telah terpercik satu harapan di dlm hatey. harapan yg teramat kecil utk aku sedari kewujudannya waktu itu. aku tak sedar, dia juga mungkin tak sedar, tapi harapan itu ada.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">jadi itulah jawapannya... HARAPAN... semua ini berlaku sbb aku berharap. bukan harapan yg besar, cuma sepintas lalu, but still, i hoped. dan lebih teruk lagi, aku berusaha menuju ke arah harapan itu. dan dia tahu apa yg aku lakukan walaupun secara zahir aku menafikan. sebab itulah...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">aku tidak sakit separah ini atas apa yg berlaku antara aku dgn a-beng. kenapa? sbb aku tidak pernah menggantung apa2 harapan langsung pada hubungan tu. betul, aku terluka sbb dia hanya menganggap aku mcm pelacur murahan, tapi dgn mudah aku membiarkan semuanya berlalu. betul, aku marah sebab dia memusnahkan segala angan2 cinta pertamaku, tapi tidak lama aku menerima semuanya dgn terbuka. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">tapi lelaki yg memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' tu... </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">demi Tuhan, seumur hidup aku tak pernah memberi harapan pada sesiapa pun. tidak juga pada diri sendiri. walaupun secubit. sebab aku dah lama tahu, betapa akibatnya jika harapan hanyalah mimpi kosong. boleh jadi petaka, bencana. tapi dgn lelaki yg memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' tu... aku telah memberi harapan pada diri sendiri. dan di situlah silapnya.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">jadi sekarang, aku perlu membuang jauh2 harapan tu. memang, ia sangat sukar, sebagaimana sukarnya aku memberi peluang pada diri sendiri utk berharap. tapi semua mesti dipadamkan terus. sbb selagi harapan tu ada, selagi itulah aku akan menderita...<br /><br />i hoped... and that was the biggest mistake i ever made in my life so far...<br /><br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-40560740887336920682010-05-26T23:23:00.003+08:002010-05-27T00:14:46.854+08:00rembulan tenggelam di wajahmu...<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">tidak sampai separuh pun bersama kembara memutar masa Ray, aku sedar dia ada dalam aku. pertanyaan2, kesalan2, kutukan2 menyalahkan sesuatu yg tak pasti... tapi yg paleng pasti, layanan Ray pada rembulan. aku sangat memahami perasaan Ray bila dia duduk sendirian menatap bulan di langet. sbb aku sendiri penchenta bulan sejati.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">sungguh, sewaktu kecil aku selalu mengintai bulan dari celah tingkap (sbb emak tak bagi bukak tingkap malam2, maklumlah... rumah dekat betul dengan tanah perkuburan). bila masuk asrama aku selalu mencuri masa berdiri di hujung koridor tingkat 3 memerhati langit, mengharap bulan berbaek hatey tersenyum padaku. semasa di uni, aku biasa memanjat ke tangki aer blok 1 malam2 buta tanpa rasa takut walaupun semua org tahu betapa berhantu tempat tu (memang, mungkin hanya 2,3 org saja yg tau aktiviti gila aku nih)! tak kira di mana pun, aku selalu memandang ke atas mencari bulan. terbaek jika aku dapat duduk di buaian, menghayun diri selaju boleh, sehingga kaki terangkat tinggi dan dapat menyentuh bulan!!! itu, paleng aku suka... ya, ada sesuatu pada bulan yg tak terungkapkan perasaannya.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">sehinggalah semalam, setelah aku menamatkan perjalanan 60 tahun usia Ray. aku temukan sesuatu. sesuatu, yg maseh tak terungkap dgn kata2. memang, aku bukan Ray, dan Ray bukan aku. tapi kesemua 5 persoalannya itu antara ribuan soalan yg selalu berpusing2 dlm ruang sempit kepalaku. aku mungkin tidak akan pernah berpeluang seperti Ray bertemu dengan orang dengan wajah menyenangkan itu (lagipun itu hanya khayalan, kan?) tapi Ray mendapatkannya kerana rembulan...</span><span id="reviewTextContainer66589113" style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span id="freeText13816371552805010861" style="" class="reviewText"><br /><br /><blockquote style="font-style: italic;">"Ini semua kerana rembulan. Setiap kali kau memandangnya, kau selalu berterima kasih kepada Tuhan. Setiap kali kau melihatnya, kau selalu merasa kuasa Tuhan menjejak setiap sudut bumi di mana cahaya rembulan menyentuhnya. Kau mengutuk, membantah, berprasangka buruk kepada Tuhan. Tetapi kau jujur, tidak pernah berdusta saat menatap rembulan, apa adanya. Kau selalu merasa andai kata semua kehidupan ini menyakitkan, maka di luar sana masih ada sepotong bahagian yang menyenangkan."</blockquote><br /><br />saat Ray dipersembahkan jawapan kepada persoalan terakhirnya, aku sendiri bertemu jawapan untuk sekian banyak pertanyaan...<br /></span></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-29695381931080124212010-05-23T17:27:00.004+08:002010-05-23T17:45:53.314+08:00section closed<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;" >eh, siapa kata tak pernah dibuka?<br />pernah, tepatnya DUA kali.<br />pertama, tanpa sedar.<br />kedua, desakan cara halus. sedikit kerelaan. dalam keterpaksaan, mungkin.<br /><br />kesannya?<br />sakit. sangat sakit.<br /><br />jadi, biarlah tertutup terus.<br />tak mahu mengundang sakit lagi.<br />sakit akibat keterbukaan yg dua kali itu pun belum habis lagi.<br /><br />jadi, biarlah hidup kosong begini.<br />tak mahu mencipta kenangan lagi.<br />kenangan itu menyakitkan, malah menyebalkan saat perlu dilupakan.<br /><br />kamu tau itu???<br />hah, mana mungkin kamu tau.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">let go</span> bagi kamu...<br />adalah semudah mencampakkan kacang ke dalam mulut!!!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750855679477004127.post-53815069067710594372010-05-20T23:25:00.004+08:002010-05-20T23:52:06.737+08:00i'm not alone...<div style="font-family: georgia; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" id="text_expose_id_4bf551a40e0e15773e487" class="comment_actual_text"><blockquote><span style="font-size:130%;">Patricia asked...<br /><br />What's there to be depressed about? Could it be because it takes me 20 minutes to get out of bed? Or because I have to choke back the tears as I shuffle across the parking lot on my way to work? Or could it be that I can't lift my arm over my head to do my hair? Or could it be, that I can't stand waking up, knowing that that is the most painful part of the day?</span></blockquote><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br />i said...<br /><br />everything u said and more. it is very depressing knowing that u cant do the things u want to or use to be able to do, u know. and it's kinda hard to be up all the time when u're in chronic pain no one around u would understand. i try to stay strong and live a normal life but there are times when i just cant take it...<br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:130%;">oh how i wish i could run again someday...<br /></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0