aku adalah angin...

life just never stops to remind me that i’m at it's mercy demmit. entah berapa kali must it remind me that one minute aku bley jadi one of the most contented human being on the planet tanpa pedulik sekuping haram pun for the world, and then the next minute i’m on the edge becoz all those reasons for contentment are the smoke screens to the ever unravelling thread of my perceptive reality…

pain is the key word of the day. it's nothing much… started with yet another restless sleepless nite, i find myself bangun pepagi alam (belum subuh pun ekceli) and dgn gigihnya ber-morning walk around flat2 sesak kat sini (sambil berimajinasi nak dpt se-unit so aku bley dok sorang2 and pasang home theatre and ber-karok kuat2 sampai menyaketkan atey jiran tetangga…) all the times both my legs were screaming for me to stop, but i kept on walking non-stop for like maybe 2 freaking hours walaupun rasanya mcm kepala lutut akan tertanggal at any given time. i didn’t run, mind u, i just walked, and walked and walked. then the usual throbbing headaches (why o why, u failed me synflex?), the constant tummy ache and this weird repeated muscle pull on my chest all the way to my shoulder.

aku sendiri tatau which should be worse, the fact that i am physically (not to mention emotionally) hurting really, really bad or the fact i don't pay any attention to it at all. i know i should be doing something about it, like see any ustaz yg terer2 and bukan setakat jumpa doctor and feed myself dgn ntah hape2 ubat lagi, but i dunno… it's just… well… it's nothing at all… i'll live. somehow i will.

then there is the whole worry thing. things that i can't avoid that just gives me this tight knot in my stomach, makes my heartbeat jadik super laju, and jantung terasa mcm dipulas2. things that are soooo gigantic that it gives me that surreal feeling… like it can't be happening to me but it is. puas ler aku cuba pejam2 my eyes and deal with things one step at the time with priorities first, but no matter what, it'll always come back to those few things in mind. it scares me to play it all in my head, sungguh, mcm horror movies yg asyik berulang tayang dlm kepala. but i can't help it. i can't stop it from playing and i very well can't shut the demmm voices up. all i can do is ride it out and make sure i don't fall off my bed doing so.

there are days when i just don't feel like fighting anymore. this is one of those days… but damned if i have to anyway. it's not something that can be stopped. life doesn't give a fucking shit whether or not aku keep fighting or jadik pompuan lembik yg kememeh, it just… keeps on moving. i just wish i could crawl up in a hole and wait for everything to right itself… HAH!!! i'd probably have to get in line with the rest of the world lah kalau mcm tu. so the least i can do now while i'm waiting is to keep doing whatever i can to make sure this fragile life that i built around me doesn't completely fall to bits. someone's gotta save me… might as well be myself, bukan org laen.

now if any of u folks yg bernaseb malang terbaca entri ni, skipped to this last paragraph becoz u thought i was babbling incomprehensibly… then u're probably on the right mind. some days even i don't make sense to me. i probably skipped to this last paragraph myself… and… there i'm membebel2 again. one of these days i'm going be found wandering the streets talking to myself. at this rate… it'll probably be soon, ye lah, pagi tadi pun dah ada tanda2 kannn...

demmm…

i.just.want.to.sleep.