aku adalah angin...

as free as the wind...

remember what Cyril Connolly said?


'better to write for urself and have no public,
than to write for the public and have no self.'



if u're writing for urself, wouldn't that mean that u aren't going to have many readers in the first place?

if u're going to write for an audience, isn't that going to make u look cheap and dishonest?

and one thing for sure, by turning this personal sanctuary of urs to a public blog, u're already resigned to the fact pple are going to read ur blog.

are u really, truly ready for that?



i welcome the world!!!





i've been giving this blog a serious thought...




i'm going PUBLIC!!!

apa

mungkinkah...





telah

sampai

pada

satu

titik





di mana

aku

sudah

tidak

lagi

peduli?

u might not get to read this, tapi persoalan tentang kenapa aku enggan berkongsi cerita sendiri, tapi sebaliknya sentiasa bersedia menadah masalah org laen bagaikan semua itu adalah makanan jiwa yg sgt mengenyangkan, aku ceritakan di sini.


aku berpegang kuat dgn pendirian that the burden of my experience should only be mine to bear. rasanya mcm tak adil to expect pple to understand becoz they haven't gone thru it. more often than not, some experiences mengajar aku that some experiences should never have to be experienced by the pple that haven't lived thru them. for some, what happened would be their first time seeing it. for others, it would be a familiar sight that becomes part of their ability to deal with the world they live in.


what happened, happened and there isn't anything i could do. no blame should be given tak kira pada sesiapa pun. no guilt should be felt, walaupun ada sedikit kesal. no remorse should be shouldered. i can only feel the sadness of loss and hanya mampu berharap that the suffering ended, even if it was by choice. in times like this, it is a moment of reflection, not just of the fragility of the human body, but the fragility of the human mind. some pple battle with their demons all their life and rise to the occasion. some never recover. itulah sbbnya i choose the choices in my life. for better or worse, it's my own way of making sure the demons are kept at bay.


yet, that doesn't mean i’m alone. even in the company of pple who haven't walked in my shoes, i can find comfort in knowing that they are there for me. not as pple that understand, but as pple yg sentiasa mengingatkan aku that the world didn't have to be the war i fight against day and night. pple who remind me of a time we laugh and smiled with innocence. pple who remind me that there is always something worth living for.


yeah, most of them are bound by blood. tapi setengah yg laennya dlm jumlah yg boleh dikira hanya dgn jari sblh tangan, adalah spt kamu.


thanx God i met u… LINA… a fren yg betul2 memahami bahawa erti persahabatan itu bukan sekadar ucapan i love u, i miss u whatsoever, tapi datang dari keikhlasan hati menyokong satu sama laen utk menempuh kehidupan. kita tak kuat, tapi aku ada kamu, dan kamu ada aku...

i just realized it's been more than a year since i've been blogging here silently amidst the chaotic world of the internet.

and the question hits me, again...

'what if i go public?'

“kalau haus…?” “minum.”


“kalau lapar…?” “makan.”


“kalau ngantuk…?” “tdo.”


“kalau letey…?” “rehat.”


“kalau…”


there, she stopped.


“kalau…?”


‘kalau rindu… nak buat apa?’


she wanted to ask, yet the question only echoed in her head. she knew very well what the answer might be.


Big Red Strawberry Farm, CH


dia sedar

matanya tak mampu melihat

telinganya tak bisa mendengar

tangannya tak mungkin menyentuh

jadi inilah saja caranya dia mengubat hati…


she misses him badly.

that’s why she’s here.


Tuhan, sampaikan rindu ini padanya.

bergembiralah
kerana hari ini semakin terbukti that u were right all the way
he fooled you!!!

betapa bijaknya dia bermain kata2
begitu hebatnya dia memperbodohkan emosi kamu
tidakkah ini semua cukup untuk membuka matamu seluas2nya?
tidakkah sangat jelas bahawa langsung tidak ada ruang untuk kamu dlm hidupnya?

apa lagi yg kau mau
apa lagi yg kau tunggu, huhhh???

salammm akak...
apa khabar...
yer..lerrr
dah lupe sy...
arap....akak ceria2 n selalu bergumbire.....
sentiase selera......
x saket....
terang fikiran...tenang atey......lena tdo....
senyom sokmo...
x hemo
ape lagi ek....
dahhh tu jek....laen2 akak piki sendiri.....tp yg baek2 lerr
cume.....satu jek.....sy sentiasa ingat akak.....selamenyer.....
doa sy selalu mengiringi perjuangan akak......salammmmmm windu dari sy akak!!! bubbyeee
salammmmmmmmmmmm
a-beng (23/10/2009 10:00:22 PM)




boy...

how could u say i lupa when not a single moment passes by without me thinking of u?
how could u wish i'm ceria gembira inside out when all my smile and laugh is fake?
how could u wish me terang fikiran when not a single page of books i read without my thought running to u?
how could u wish me tdo lena when almost every night i have to endure all the heartache and pain?
how could u be so cruel telling me that u'll remember me forever when u hardly notice that i'm exist?

boy...
if only u knew...
if only u knew what's on my prayer...
if only u knew how much i miss u...
if only u knew...
but i guess u'll never know...

remember when u had to wait for almost an hour semata2 untuk menikmati keghairahan menaiki roller coaster corkscrew di genting theme park? masih ingat betapa penatnya ketika beratur menunggu giliran untuk mencuba spaceshot? bagaimana perasaannya ketika mulai menaiki permainan itu dan ditunggang terbalikkan sampai adrenalin mendesak otak, seluruh tubuh menjadi seram sejuk, nyawa bagaikan di hujung tanduk lalu kau menjerit sehabis kuat mengharap semuanya segera berakhir? namun apabila semuanya berhenti, anehnya kau merasakan satu kepuasan malah ingin mencubanya lagi walaupun perut agak mual. cuba ingatkan keadaan diri kau ketika itu. setiap detik dan minit.


that is what life is all about. kau harus sedar bahawa tak selamanya kau akan berada di dlm roller coaster itu. ada masa semua kemeriahan, kesenangan, kebahagiaan akan meninggalkan atau harus ditinggalkan.

pasti kau masih ingat few moments yg sgt membahagiakan yg berlaku dlm hidupmu. satu masa yg sgt menggembirakan sehingga wajah seakan memancarkan cahaya hangat, mata bersinar menyerlahkan kebahagiaan yg bukan dibuat2. namun bagaimana keadaannya ketika happy moments itu harus berlalu dari dirimu, tak menyisakan apapun kecuali kenangan bahagia dan torehan kepedihan sekaligus.

jika kenangan indah itu tiba2 datang, kenanglah semuanya. rasakan indahnya saat semua kenangan itu terjadi dan biarkan ia merasuk fikiranmu. nikmati semuanya… jangan ditolak, kerana menafikan saat indah itu hanya akan menyakiti dirimu sendiri. dan jangan pernah mengubah kenangan itu dgn menghadirkan kepedihan yg akhirnya akan melukakan hatimu sendiri.

bersyukurlah kerana telah mendapat pengajaran yg sgt penting pada satu titik dlm kehidupanmu. meskipun kau tahu, selamanya kau takkan mungkin menyentuhnya, malah landasan kamu dgnnya terpisah semakin jauh.

bersyukurlah kamu pernah melalui semua itu tanpa pernah mengharap balasan apapun, meski keinginan itu bagaikan pukulan bertalu2 yg mengasak setiap penjuru otakmu, menghambat setiap detak jantungmu, dan bahkan meledak2 pd setiap denyut nadi dlm tubuhmu. walaupun hatimu terasa dirobek2 seakan dirimu adalah satu entiti yg tak berharga.

kembangkan rasa syukurmu, bahawa apapun yg berlaku, semanis manapun awalnya dan segetir manapun akhirnya, itu yg terbaik. dan Maha Pemurah Tuhan membenarkan kau menikmatinya walau sebentar…

hidup akan terasa indahnya ketika bersabar atas kepedihan yg datang, dan ikhlas atas kehilangan. walaupun kau sendiri tahu, tak tergambar betapa byk air mata yg mengalir atas semua itu.


itu wajar, kerana kita – kau dan aku - hanya manusia biasa.




so today is his birthday.

i wish i could tell him that he's still on my praying list.

but to know that he's doing good,
that he receives the lovely wishes from his loved one,
that is more than enough for me.
semoga Tuhan beri kebahagiaan untuk mereka...

kadang2, billboard tepi jalan pun bley buat hatey tersenyum...





jadilah sekuat trak dan bas, makcik...



some pple know for a fact with a certain sense of disbelief i walk a hard life inside. some pple find it hard to believe that there is such thing as a life as hard as i describe it to be. tapi aku tau la kan i've had it tough becoz after all… hey, it is my life.

kalau bukan aku sendiri yg tau dan paham what i've been going thru all these years, who else does anyway?

but all in all when it comes down to it, no matter how much i may hate the life i live, no matter how much i may whine and complain about it when i have the chance, no matter how bad i merempan2 and menyoal2 on what has been happening… thanx God, i've always moved on.

no matter what, i have to keep moving on. but, that doesn't mean i can let go of it.

i've realised that yeah… there will be no love that can contend with the love i have for him. it's not that i won't give anyone else a chance, tapi aku rasa, what i feel for him (ok… belum past tense lagi) is one of a kind. it's the kind that would never die, the kind that comes back to menghantu-jerangkung in the middle of the night or even in the most secure part of my life. the kind that despite the hell raised on earth, it's still the slice of heaven very few ever see.

let it be said that somewhere in my head and heart, i know i have to have a little more sense for myself, but at least not without a degree of stubbornness that i'm known for. yea, aku keras atey, kepala batu… i know everybody knows that. but aku percaya some things are worth keeping all my life even though i walked up ahead from it.

even if it causes the nights of headaches and heartaches.
even if risks losing the chances for another person to love me.
some things are worth keeping in life for what they are.
it's just what a sentimental person is all about.
it's just what i am all about.

bagaikan burung
pertama kali bertemu sangkar emas
dia hinggap dan ingin menetap
sayang sebenarnya
sangkar emas itu
hanya membawa derita

dia cuba bertahan
mengerah semua tenaga
kerana pada rahimnya telah tersemai benih cinta
yang ingin ditelurkan

tapi hakikatnya
sangkar itu penuh duri
yang selalu melukai tubuh kecilnya
mematah2 sayapnya
hingga terasa mustahil untuk kembali terbang

akhirnya dia menyedari
telah salah firasat hati
silap menempati
sangkar emas tak pernah peduli
sampai masanya dia harus pergi
terbang ke destinasi tak tahu pasti

do i have to wake up every morning, thinking of u?


and go to sleep at night, dreaming of u?



If you listen closely, you would hear

The sounds of laughter and tears.
This is the sound of everyone living with the ones they love.

If, in crossing the wide ocean, you find yourself lost at sea...
Take my hand and we will go together towards that shining light.

If you were to argue,
embrace each other again afterwards
and share the “weaknesses” you both face.


Is there really such a thing as words that speak of eternity’s meaning?
When I think of the future, I begin to grow frightened but
Because it has always been a continuing dream through all this time...
Let us join hands and face tomorrow together

When my heart was crying out to you,
You turned to look ahead and kept on walking,
Pretending as if you didn’t notice me.

In this photograph, you are smiling back at me...
Did you picture this moment then?

Keeping up with the world is difficult, isn’t it?
In my breaking voice, I could no longer reach you
But even then, throughout time, there will be days when I keep crying out...

As my “hope” extends into the time when flowers bloom
I feel an immense strength born from within all this.

Are there really words that could touch the meaning of eternity?
As I look into the future, I become afraid but
We’ve been living in a continuing dream throughout life...
Of this, I am certain.


If I were to ascend to these heavens, I wonder if we would still see each other?
Through my teary-eyed self, I send my thoughts to you
Because I never doubted the fact that when you believe, you will achieve...
Facing forward then, let us join hands.

i may have lost the one i have ever loved
ever
but at least
i haven't entirely lost myself

whatever traces
of which i have left
i am slowly regaining my life

cinta adalah sebuah cinta
dengan seribu rupa dan warna
kadang memberi bahagia
kadang membawa nestapa

kerana cinta adalah cinta sebenarnya
cinta adalah sebuah kemenangan hati
cinta adalah sebuah ketenangan jiwa
cinta adalah memberi tanpa diminta

cinta adalah adalah cinta terjalani
menembus relung imajinasi
menembus batas nurani
menembus ruang terpatri

begitupun cinta tetap cinta
kerana cinta adalah keikhlasan
kerana cinta adalah kedalaman rasa
kerana cinta bukanlah nafsu semata

dan cinta tetaplah cinta
tanpanya hidup terasa hampa
dengannya hidup penuh cita-cita
bersamanya hidupkan lebih bermakna

'perghhhhh.....'



is that all u can say???

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
kelakarnyaaaaaaaaaa!!!

setelah dekat 2 tahun 'berkawan', tiba2 hari ni dia add aku dlm friends' list.
siriyesssss... apakah?
A-PA-KAH?!!!

ataupun,
memang selama ni dia tak pernah anggap aku sebagai kawan.
tapi tong sampah tempat dia buang segala benda yg kotor dan keji.
mungkin.

eh, noooooooooo....
ini bukan mungkin!!!

tapi ini adalah hakikat yg sebenar2nya.
dia tak pernah melihat aku selayaknya perempuan bermaruah, tapi mcm pelacur.
dan blog aku tak pernah tersenarai dlm blog kegemarannya walaupun berpuluh kali katanya 'suka' baca (BULLSHITTTTT!!!) sampah yg aku tules.

tau?
tau kenapa?

sebab aku cuma tin kosong.
aku bukan seperti manusia yg dia bayangkan.
cakap omputeh berdengung2 tapi sebenarnya bodoh kedaung.
apa yg aku merapu takde nilai, semua layak campak lombong.
aku hanya tau menghentam sana sini tapi diri sendiri mcm beruk pak long.

aku tau...
aku taaaaaaaaauuuu...
sejak awal lagi aku dah sedar semua ni, tapi sengaja aku butakan mata.
aku diamkan, sbb kalau aku cakap macamana pun, dia lagi bijak putar belit maksud aku.
maklumlahhhh... doktor falsafaaaahhh...

tapi tak apalah.
betul lah tu.
biarlah...
biarlah aku jadi sampah di mata dia.
aku dah tak kisah.

wakakakakakakkkkk!!!
(dan ketawa yg terakhir ini adalah atas kebodohan sendiri).

sejuta manusia bercerita tentang cinta
tapi dia meratapi dan memusykilkan cinta
dia bertanya benarkah ada cinta

apakah cinta itu
apakah cinta itu nafsu belaka
apakah cinta sebuah lelucon jenaka
apakah cinta seperti butiran air mata

jawablah
benarkah cinta itu ada
ketika ada rasa menyatu dua hati
apakah itu yang disebut cinta
ketika ibu mengasihi anaknya
apakah itu yang disebut cinta
ketika hamba sujud pada Penciptanya
apakah itu yang disebut cinta

mengapa cinta sering berlinang nestapa
bukankah cinta itu seharusnya bahagia

cinta
tanpanya tak akan ada seribu cerita
walau melaut duka lahir kerana cinta
kerana itulah cinta ada di dunia
namun dia tetap tak mengerti tentang cinta

life is no joke no more...

kau terlalu ghairah
mengepak sayap mimpi
menongkah langit kelam
kononnya ingin menggapai bintang

tapi kau lupa
andai kau pandang ke bawah
dan selam ke dasar lautan
di sana ada mutiara putih
yang pasti bisa kau genggam!!!

i'm sorry that i have 'lekatan'. but aren't we all have it too...??


sometimes i can't help being who i am. apa pun, aku percaya we are all products of our environment and whatever we react to. perhaps sesuatu yg dia anggap 'lekatan' pada aku is merely my natural instinct. often said without thought or regard for consequences. mannn, aint we are all slaves and victims to our own situation regardless of how much we believe in choosing our own roads.


and i'm not saying he was all wrong about my 'lekatan'. kalau cakap aku ni narcist terus, kan senang.


*sigh*