aku adalah angin...

ever had the feeling that u were leading another life parallel to urs? ever had that feeling that u spent most of ur life living in so many different masks that u don't know who u are anymore? ok… maybe that's a little too drastic, let's take it down to something a little simpler. ever lived ur life wearing two faces? one which pple expect u to be and one who u are supposed to be?

sometimes its hard to just maintain a facade in front of the pple who see me everyday becoz they rely on that to trust and understand me. there are days where i just want to let go of all that i have and show pple for who i really am. that can be a bad thing though… the last time i did that, being scorned was the least of my problems. i'm sure as hell many others have had that problem before on more than one occasion.

so what else do i have left…? all i can do is to show people the cards i deal with, play with what they are comfortable to deal with. as ridiculous as that may sound, society still is far from being forgiving when it comes to truth and human nature. i dowana be a bigger outsider than i already play myself to be. so if i cant choose the path of being myself, where else can i turn but what other pple play me out to be? it makes things easier for me to work within that system of assumptions anyway.

but what happens when u meet the pple who can understand u for who u are? what happens when u meet that minority of pple who dont judge u for who are, who understand u for ur actions and accept even the darkest parts of who u are? it can be a dilemma when u have to play someone who's true to urself and someone who wears the masks society will interact with. one way or another… there is going to be some botch ups in who u're going to be as.

one way or another i’m going to forget which role i’m playing purely becoz humans are creatures of habit. unless i can compartmentalize my opinions and feelings to a certain degree, i’m going to be one person or another… and even that itself is not something that can be done easily.

i wish that i could always be the person i always am without pple condemning the things i would be willing to do should i be true to myself. i trust that i do have qualities that make me good at what i do… but not without some things that make me the monster i already am. maybe there will be a day where i can walk free of the aliases that i walk under. walk free of the images that pple see me as. maybe that day will come soon enough… i can only hope as always.

keep walking and keep that faith in myself. what am i left to do but that?