aku adalah angin...

as free as the wind...

u did it eventually. walaupun kamu sempat muntah dengan teruk sebelum betul2 mampu melakukannya.

it's been like forever of holding ur breath and at the end of it, kamu mengambil kata putus untuk menamatkan segalanya on a single fateful monday afternoon. the endless painful agony has finally ended, because of that single fb post. setelah kamu tersedar bahawa kemunculannya dalam hidup kamu tidak lain hanya untuk membuktikan teori kamu selama ini memang benar. lucu kan, semuanya sama saja walaupun sekeras mana mereka cuba membuktikan mereka berbeza. dan kau sempat mempercayainya!!!

but now, the weight that has been on ur back has been lifted. u survived. today, u're still breathing. u're still alive.

alive to do the things u wanna do. alive to do the things u should do. alive to stay the course u know u have to take. alive to keep the promises u had to make.


for the most part, there was a price to pay for that victory, both physically and emotionally. kamu terluka teruk, seperti terjatuh dari langet dan terhempas atas batuan gurun yg panas menyengat... but like all the hellish trials in ur life, surviving them results in u changing ur entire perspective of life. consider urself the luckiest person in the world. u still have God's Grace. well, it's hard to dispute that now even for an agnostic u, rite?


yet life goes on. u can waffle on about how u've been feeling for the past couple of years, drunk on the triumph of the moment and excess energy that has kept u going in the darkness, but the truth is, the world still turns and life still goes on...


selamat mecipta memori yg lebih indah... dan semoga kamu lebih berhati2 agar tak kecundang lagi!!!

if there was ever the most desperate time of my life, perhaps it would be now.

if there was ever the bleakest moment of my life, maybe it would be this.

if there was ever a realization that even mistakes in the naivety and curiosity of youth can't escape, possibly it would be this moment.

if there was ever a chance that everything i've worked hard and dreamed for could be destroyed in an instant, it would be this throw.


everything comes full circle, secrets will come to pass. nothing will escape judgment, and forever will never last.

and my tradition of birthdays has never changed. it will always be a nitemare of trouble, one i know i cannot wake from.


a nitemare i know i cannot resolve.

a nitemare i know will probably kill me in the end.



and this last brick in my hand... will be put to where it should be.

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin meninggalkan bahagian hidup yang dulu pernah sempat kamu terfikir bahawa this is it?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin melupakan kepingan2 waktu yang dulu pernah menyentuh hari-harimu dengan dekat?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin berhenti dan menamatkan segalanya yang pernah kamu percayai?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin menyudahi sesuatu yang kamu dulunya kamu bekerja keras berusaha melakukannya?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya hidup seperti berjalan di titian yang rapuh, meskipun kamu tahu banyak tangan yang ingin membantu langkahmu?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin sendiri saja, walaupun kamu tahu kalau seluruh dunia sedang ingin mengajakmu tersenyum?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya memiliki kepercayaan yang semakin pudar, padahal kamu tahu Tuhan sentiasa mendengarkan?



well… i know.

i thought i can do it, but i cant. walaupun pelbagai cara telah dilakukan supaya aku lebih bersedia ketika saat itu sampai.

BUT I CANT... bila ada dua bahagian dalam diri yang sedang berperang mempertahankan pendirian.

dan akhirnya hanya ini yang mampu lakukan, membiarkan peperangan berlanjutan sampai aku betul2 bersedia untuk menamatkannya...

the day had passed, but i still have the final brick in the palm of my hands, waiting to be placed where it supposed to be.

u've successfully reached ur 30th years of life by being single...


so,
another 30 years of living alone,
all on ur own wouldnt be so hard then...!!!