aku adalah angin...

u're just two different puzzles all put together, becoz none of the pieces fit each other.
now u're falling apart inside, tired of constant trying,
u realize u gotta stop, there's nothing else u could do.
just let go, move on...
perhaps, that's the only thing u could do...

i'm already sick and tired of fighting all these losing battles...

kamu bukan lagi parah, tapi tenat!!!
sebagai satu-satunya entiti yg paling dekat dgnmu, aku turut berasa sakit.
jadi terserahlah;
if a mask can make it easier to deal with, then put it on...
but u must understand,
that all the masks u're wearing will only make u suffer even harder.

kerana...

it's not a fair game u play...
sehingga kamu tahu apa sebenarnya yg kamu inginkan...

u did it eventually. walaupun kamu sempat muntah dengan teruk sebelum betul2 mampu melakukannya.

it's been like forever of holding ur breath and at the end of it, kamu mengambil kata putus untuk menamatkan segalanya on a single fateful monday afternoon. the endless painful agony has finally ended, because of that single fb post. setelah kamu tersedar bahawa kemunculannya dalam hidup kamu tidak lain hanya untuk membuktikan teori kamu selama ini memang benar. lucu kan, semuanya sama saja walaupun sekeras mana mereka cuba membuktikan mereka berbeza. dan kau sempat mempercayainya!!!

but now, the weight that has been on ur back has been lifted. u survived. today, u're still breathing. u're still alive.

alive to do the things u wanna do. alive to do the things u should do. alive to stay the course u know u have to take. alive to keep the promises u had to make.

for the most part, there was a price to pay for that victory, both physically and emotionally. kamu terluka teruk, seperti terjatuh dari langet dan terhempas atas batuan gurun yg panas menyengat... but like all the hellish trials in ur life, surviving them results in u changing ur entire perspective of life. consider urself the luckiest person in the world. u still have God's Grace. well, it's hard to dispute that now even for an agnostic u, rite?

yet life goes on. u can waffle on about how u've been feeling for the past couple of years, drunk on the triumph of the moment and excess energy that has kept u going in the darkness, but the truth is, the world still turns and life still goes on...

selamat mecipta memori yg lebih indah... dan semoga kamu lebih berhati2 agar tak kecundang lagi!!!

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin meninggalkan bahagian hidup yang dulu pernah sempat kamu terfikir bahawa this is it?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin melupakan kepingan2 waktu yang dulu pernah menyentuh hari-harimu dengan dekat?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin berhenti dan menamatkan segalanya yang pernah kamu percayai?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin menyudahi sesuatu yang kamu dulunya kamu bekerja keras berusaha melakukannya?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya hidup seperti berjalan di titian yang rapuh, meskipun kamu tahu banyak tangan yang ingin membantu langkahmu?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin sendiri saja, walaupun kamu tahu kalau seluruh dunia sedang ingin mengajakmu tersenyum?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya memiliki kepercayaan yang semakin pudar, padahal kamu tahu Tuhan sentiasa mendengarkan?



well… i know.

i thought i can do it, but i cant. walaupun pelbagai cara telah dilakukan supaya aku lebih bersedia ketika saat itu sampai.

BUT I CANT... bila ada dua bahagian dalam diri yang sedang berperang mempertahankan pendirian.

dan akhirnya hanya ini yang mampu lakukan, membiarkan peperangan berlanjutan sampai aku betul2 bersedia untuk menamatkannya...

the day had passed, but i still have the final brick in the palm of my hands, waiting to be placed where it supposed to be.

diam, bukan bermakna tiada rasa yg tercurah...
cuma mungkin terlalu personal sehingga harus berfikir lama untuk menekan butang oren. ketika itu, memilih butang biru adalah jalan yg paleng mudah. jadi sehingga kini, senarai draft lebey berjela panjangnya dari published post. samada semua racaugalau yg berjaya terluah sebagai draft itu akan kekal begitu, atau akhernya terpilih untuk disiarkan, biar waktu menentukan...

sekarang ini, konsentrasi 190% adalah pada binaan itu.
hanya tinggal 12 bata untuk dinaekkan.
semuanya harus sempurna.
segalanya mesti tepat pada tempatnya.
tidak boleh ada cela.
jangan sampai tersilap letaknya.

dan,
tatkala siap sempurna binaan itu; irama baru akan digubah, tarian hidup akan berubah.

aku,
sudah bersediakah?

sometimes, on the darkest days di mana tiada segaris cahaya pun sudi menyuluh jalan, di mana no one is there untuk menjadi bahu tempat bersandar meringan beban, when no one watches dan berkongsi segala kekusutan, when no one listens to whatever my heart wants to sing or my soul to cry, i like to sit down in the corner of the darkness and watch my own self bleed, and the rest of the world to burn...



dan hari ini, adalah antara sekian banyak hari2 itu...

for everything u've done for me.
for all the years u've stand by me.
and for all the things u've said last nite,
i thank u...
for taking me as what i am.
for always being there no matter how difficult urs truly is.
i thank u...
i couldnt ask for more.

since been having this stupid thingy, it's always been hard to get out of my bed everytime i wake up from deep sleep (meaning, sleeping in static position for more than an hour), but today is the most difficult. set my alarm at 7.30 because i need to pack my things and go to the office as soon as i can. BUT, it took me almost half an hour just to lift my right hand and when i finally managed to step my feet on the floor, it was already 9 o'clock. the bed was soaking wet with sweat, and my pillow with tears. it's just too painful...

i keep trying to stay positive, but things are getting worse, and i dunno if i can make it for the next 14 days...

help me God...

bbrp minggu kebelakangan, ada satu soalan yg sentiasa menyesakkan kepala. tak jumpa jawapan pada diri sendiri, beralih tanya pada Yg Lebih Tahu. Dia menemukan dgn Ray, lalu sedikit sebanyak meringankan sesak yg kalau tidak hampir putus nafas memikirkannya. namun dlm kembara bersama Ray, aku cuma belajar menerima hakikat bahawa setiap sesuatu perkara itu ada sbb dan akibatnya. Tuhan tidak menjadikannya berlaku sia2, pasti ada yg tersembunyi disebalik setiap kejadian.

tiada jawapan utk pertanyaan aku yg satu itu, melainkan pengertian.

sehinggalah petang tadi, aku ditakdirkan bertemu dgn jawapan yg aku cari2 sejak bbrp minggu kebelakangan. hoho tidaaaaakkk, tidak ada malaikat bersayap indah datang bertenggek di sebelahku, tidak ada juga org dgn wajah menyenangkan menepuk lembut bahuku. tidak ada. jawapan itu datang begitu saja. tepatnya, sewaktu aku sedang berhempas pulas melawan percikan minyak panas di dlm kuali kerana menggoreng ikan jaket. ketika itulah Tuhan berbaek hatey memberi aku jawapan.

aku masih ingat, kira2 setahun lps, buat pertama kali, aku belajar masak sayur kobis masak lemak (yg gagal, sebab rasanya sungguh pelik). aku goreng ikan dan telur dadar dan bungkus semua dlm tupperware bersama nasi. masuk dlm paperbag, dan akhernya dibuka semula di dataran merdeka. dia... lelaki yg dulunya memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' makan apa yg aku masak walaupun nampak terpaksa. dan aku bersungguh2 melihat dia makan tanpa menyedari telah terpercik satu harapan di dlm hatey. harapan yg teramat kecil utk aku sedari kewujudannya waktu itu. aku tak sedar, dia juga mungkin tak sedar, tapi harapan itu ada.

jadi itulah jawapannya... HARAPAN... semua ini berlaku sbb aku berharap. bukan harapan yg besar, cuma sepintas lalu, but still, i hoped. dan lebih teruk lagi, aku berusaha menuju ke arah harapan itu. dan dia tahu apa yg aku lakukan walaupun secara zahir aku menafikan. sebab itulah...

aku tidak sakit separah ini atas apa yg berlaku antara aku dgn a-beng. kenapa? sbb aku tidak pernah menggantung apa2 harapan langsung pada hubungan tu. betul, aku terluka sbb dia hanya menganggap aku mcm pelacur murahan, tapi dgn mudah aku membiarkan semuanya berlalu. betul, aku marah sebab dia memusnahkan segala angan2 cinta pertamaku, tapi tidak lama aku menerima semuanya dgn terbuka.

tapi lelaki yg memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' tu...

demi Tuhan, seumur hidup aku tak pernah memberi harapan pada sesiapa pun. tidak juga pada diri sendiri. walaupun secubit. sebab aku dah lama tahu, betapa akibatnya jika harapan hanyalah mimpi kosong. boleh jadi petaka, bencana. tapi dgn lelaki yg memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' tu... aku telah memberi harapan pada diri sendiri. dan di situlah silapnya.

jadi sekarang, aku perlu membuang jauh2 harapan tu. memang, ia sangat sukar, sebagaimana sukarnya aku memberi peluang pada diri sendiri utk berharap. tapi semua mesti dipadamkan terus. sbb selagi harapan tu ada, selagi itulah aku akan menderita...

i hoped... and that was the biggest mistake i ever made in my life so far...

tidak sampai separuh pun bersama kembara memutar masa Ray, aku sedar dia ada dalam aku. pertanyaan2, kesalan2, kutukan2 menyalahkan sesuatu yg tak pasti... tapi yg paleng pasti, layanan Ray pada rembulan. aku sangat memahami perasaan Ray bila dia duduk sendirian menatap bulan di langet. sbb aku sendiri penchenta bulan sejati.

sungguh, sewaktu kecil aku selalu mengintai bulan dari celah tingkap (sbb emak tak bagi bukak tingkap malam2, maklumlah... rumah dekat betul dengan tanah perkuburan). bila masuk asrama aku selalu mencuri masa berdiri di hujung koridor tingkat 3 memerhati langit, mengharap bulan berbaek hatey tersenyum padaku. semasa di uni, aku biasa memanjat ke tangki aer blok 1 malam2 buta tanpa rasa takut walaupun semua org tahu betapa berhantu tempat tu (memang, mungkin hanya 2,3 org saja yg tau aktiviti gila aku nih)! tak kira di mana pun, aku selalu memandang ke atas mencari bulan. terbaek jika aku dapat duduk di buaian, menghayun diri selaju boleh, sehingga kaki terangkat tinggi dan dapat menyentuh bulan!!! itu, paleng aku suka... ya, ada sesuatu pada bulan yg tak terungkapkan perasaannya.

sehinggalah semalam, setelah aku menamatkan perjalanan 60 tahun usia Ray. aku temukan sesuatu. sesuatu, yg maseh tak terungkap dgn kata2. memang, aku bukan Ray, dan Ray bukan aku. tapi kesemua 5 persoalannya itu antara ribuan soalan yg selalu berpusing2 dlm ruang sempit kepalaku. aku mungkin tidak akan pernah berpeluang seperti Ray bertemu dengan orang dengan wajah menyenangkan itu (lagipun itu hanya khayalan, kan?) tapi Ray mendapatkannya kerana rembulan...

"Ini semua kerana rembulan. Setiap kali kau memandangnya, kau selalu berterima kasih kepada Tuhan. Setiap kali kau melihatnya, kau selalu merasa kuasa Tuhan menjejak setiap sudut bumi di mana cahaya rembulan menyentuhnya. Kau mengutuk, membantah, berprasangka buruk kepada Tuhan. Tetapi kau jujur, tidak pernah berdusta saat menatap rembulan, apa adanya. Kau selalu merasa andai kata semua kehidupan ini menyakitkan, maka di luar sana masih ada sepotong bahagian yang menyenangkan."

saat Ray dipersembahkan jawapan kepada persoalan terakhirnya, aku sendiri bertemu jawapan untuk sekian banyak pertanyaan...

eh, siapa kata tak pernah dibuka?
pernah, tepatnya DUA kali.
pertama, tanpa sedar.
kedua, desakan cara halus. sedikit kerelaan. dalam keterpaksaan, mungkin.

kesannya?
sakit. sangat sakit.

jadi, biarlah tertutup terus.
tak mahu mengundang sakit lagi.
sakit akibat keterbukaan yg dua kali itu pun belum habis lagi.

jadi, biarlah hidup kosong begini.
tak mahu mencipta kenangan lagi.
kenangan itu menyakitkan, malah menyebalkan saat perlu dilupakan.

kamu tau itu???
hah, mana mungkin kamu tau.
let go bagi kamu...
adalah semudah mencampakkan kacang ke dalam mulut!!!

dulu
dia bina tembok dari bata ketakutan
bersimenkan kebimbangan dan kekhuatiran...

tapi ada tangan besi
mengetuk dan meruntuh perlahan-lahan
bila tembok dari batatakutsimenbimbang akhirnya roboh
tangan besi bertepuk dan melambai pergi...

kini
dia bina tembok dari bata air mata
bersimenkan kekecewaan dan kelukaan...

demi Tuhan dia bersumpah
tembok dari bataairmatasimenkecewa ini
akan lebih kukuh dan kuat
dan takkan runtuh datanglah mesin besi sekalipun...

kemaren gelas kaca saya retak
tapi saya tampal dengan pita lekat
nampak teruk, tapi maseh boleh pakai.

semalam gelas kaca saya pecah
saya cuba tampal dengan pita lekat
nampak sangat huduh, tapi saya maseh simpan.

tadi gelas kaca saya terhempas berderai
saya tetap cuba tampal dengan pita lekat
walaupun jari terluka berdarah pekat.

gelas kaca saya
dah tak serupa gelas kaca lagi
dah tak boleh ditampal2 lagi.
tapi saya takkan buangkan
sebab gelas kaca saya ini
saya dapat bertaruh maruah sendiri...

sudah terlalu lama
tapi kau masih terdera
hijab rahsia demi rahsia
satu demi satu terbuka di depan mata...

i cant sleep.

no. that is understatement.
the truth is...
i.am.afraid.therefore.i.dont.want.to.fall.asleep.

i'm very apprehensive to fall asleep only to wake up
...crying like i'm about to die in an instant.
...with heart beating too fast like my chest is going to explode.
...respiration goes illogically high i dont have time to catch a breath.

damn i hate nitemares.
why there's never sweet dreams on my slumberland?

tired... but wired...
God i'm exhausted...

it took her like forever to get over the fact that baba had finally succumb to his disease.
now comes another frightening news from someone she always held so close to her heart.
please God, dont take him so soon.

it took her a very long time to finally accept the fact that first love doesnt always meant to be true love.
and for whatever reason that invisible entity is suddenly popping out, haunting her like ghost from past.
please God, dont let her falter again.


God... please, please, please...

even if u handle it with extreme care...
u'll never know when the balloon u blow will pop.

malam membuatku menangis karena ia hanya mengantar banyak sepi.
malam memaksaku mengasah pisau, karena sepi memintaku membunuhnya berkali-kali.
karena hidup adalah keniscayaan yang rapuh,
maka jangan pernah gentar pada kematian.

tamara geraldine
(dari kisah2 perselingkuhannya)

aku pernah menakuti kematian, kerana aku tidak tahu bila dia akan datang.
tapi apabila memahami bahawa kematian itu tidak datang,
sebaliknya sentiasa mengekori setiap denyut nadi,
aku tidak gentar lagi.
aku bersedia menyambutnya,
meraikannya dengan hati penuh cinta.

hari ke empat dalam kembara 90 hari mencari cinta.
Tuhan membuka mata dengan menghantar seorang manusia,
yang berkata, 'kamu terlalu skeptikal dan paranoid.'
oh, terima kasih.
aku punya alasan untuk jadi begitu.
pengalaman sayang, pengalaman yang membentukku jadi begitu.
tapi mulai detik ini aku harus belajar menolak apapun alasan yang ada.
demi nikmat cinta yang belum pernah aku rasa.

hadirlah cinta,
sebelum kematian menjemputku pulang.

day 2

progress : 0%



***

dulu aku sama mcm Zalaiva... menanti kerana percaya ia akan datang.
dan benar, akhernya ia tiba... hadir begitu saja.
tapi cuma untuk seketika.

aku dan Zalaiva berkongsi rasa yg sama...
terlontar jauh ke atas awan melepasi petala ke lapan,
dan kemudiannya terhunjam deras terhempas keras ke perut bumi.

parah.
ketika itu baru tersedar, sayap yg kononnya indah itu hanya dongeng.
Zalaiva sedar.
aku juga sedar.

akulah itu, Zalaiva yg buta.
tapi kali ini aku ingin melihatnya secara nyata...
jadi Tuhan,
bukakanlah mata ini seluas-luasnya!!!

day 1

progress : 0%



***

seluruh hidup menanti, dan akhernya apabila perasaan itu muncul, ia diserahkan pada satu entiti yg tidak pernah wujud! cinta pertama yg langsung tiada bukti kewujudannya melaenkan aku sendiri mcm majnun yg giler melayan rasa. betul lah cinta itu buta!

seluruh hidup menanti, dan akhernya muncul lah orang yg (kononnya) benar2 memberikan chenta, kerana segala rentak tindaknya membuktikan keikhlasan hatey dan kesucian niatnya. sumpah, tidak pernah ada yg seperti dia! tapi Tuhan menentukan hadirnya sedikit terlewat.

lalu berperanglah hatey cuba menerima orang yg (kononnya) mencintai dan melupakan entiti ilusi yg dicintai separuh matey. ketika hampir tiada lagi tenaga tersisa, dan hatey mula pasrah menerima, orang yg (kononnya) mencintai telahpun beralih arah. kenapa semudah itu baginya sedangkan terlalu susah bagi aku?

tidak, cinta tidak sepatutnya semudah (semurah?) itu. cinta yg benar memerlukan ruang dan waktu... dia mungkin membuka ruang, tapi dia gagal memanjangkan waktu.

kalau aku mengambil masa yg cukup lama untuk bertemu cinta pertama, dan memerlukan ruang yg bukan sedikit untuk melepaskannya, apa mungkin aku akan bertemu cinta seterusnya dengan mudah?

ruang dan waktu...

sungguh aku ingin bercinta...
dan aku akan bercinta asalkan diberi ruang dan waktu untuk menerima...

phantasmagoria…

phewwww… now that's a long word to swallow down. technically it means a constantly changing tune or real or imagined images. agaknya dtg dari perkataan fantasy kot? bunyi dan meaning adalah mcm lebey kurang jek.

contoh ayat; my life is officially a phantasmagoria.

haha itu bukan contoh, tapi adalah hakikat. the word perfectly describes my life right about now. kononnya sedang melalui some kind of proses transformasi diri, a hijrah whatever pple called it but kadang2 rasa mcm i have no idea of what i’m doing. most of the time i don't even know what's going on becoz life's just too turbulent to make some sort of proper plan to control it.

agaknya that's what i fear so much… the fact i don't have that much control over my own life walaupun pada hakikatnya kuasa ditangan sendiri. that pretty much sucks okkk…

there was a time in my life like anyone else where it was bad enough to change the entire perspective of reality. that sense of innocence and safety as a kid dissipated with the introduction to… well… life itself. there were things i had to do to pull myself up to the person i am now. things i may harbour a small sense of regret, but still… things i did on my own. my own way.

that's how i've lived my life up until now. that control i have over my life. that sense of knowing and power over what i know. it is that understanding of what i seek to find out that gives me control over what i can see in my life. tapi, apa yg aku cari sebenarnya? semua ni buat aku rasa takut, takut hilang terus pegangan yg memang dah goyah...

and another reason why i fear losing control over my own life is probably becos aku takut going back to the times when i was so lost, so unprotected and insecure. those times... ergh... sape tak takut? for sure i am… its probably what drives me to do the things i do at times. to build myself a place where i can feel safe even if i'm by myself. to always have something to sleep to at night.

when my life is a rapidly changing pot of events, it shakes me, loosens my grip on life and makes me have less of my precious control over it. but when did it speed up this fast? last 2 years ago, perhaps... i dunno. can i slow it down? maybe not at this present time. and aku harap i'm not heading to a serious crash in the perverbial wall of life. it's times like this i need that foresight for the future walaupun kabur. it helps to know when to start switching tracks or putting in less juice to the engine of life.

all i can do what i can do. control what i can. if my mind finally sees the final image of what i'm currently headed towards, then i'd have a little more control of my life. kalau tak… well… do like others do… play the game and hope i dont lose all my chips in one go.

she's going thru some changes that she needed the most.

aku.

kamu.

dua dunia yang sungguh berbeza. bahkan kita tak bicara dalam bahasa yang saling terfahami. walau masih mendongak ke arah bulan yang sama, warna cahayanya nyata terlihat beda.

kemudian pada satu titik, jalan hidup kita tiba-tiba bersinggungan. lalu tanpa sedar, aku dan kamu menjadi kita. kita yang gembira tapi derita. entah apa bezanya. yang aku tau, kamu seperti bayang-bayang yang selalu ada, terlalu dekat namun juga begitu jauh tak tersentuh.

dan seperti aroma kopi panas, wangimu menggoda. pekatnya sempurna dengan sedikit sentuhan rasa tidak terlalu manis, aroma eksotik dari sepotong cinnamon, dan kelembutan whipped cream bercorak hati di atasnya. membuat aku ketagih menghirupmu lagi dan lagi. tapi terlalu sayang aku tak mampu menghabisi kamu.

kau. ceritaku. kisahku.

separuh hidupku. penyimpan rahsiaku.

itu dulu.

kini,

kau... masa silamku.

kerana titik itu telah terpecah. menjadi jisim halus yang mustahil tercantum kembali.

kau... sejarahku. aku... sejarahmu.

letih melayan permainan takdir
sementara menanti 'detik' yang entah bila kan hadir

hati dan lidah mengalun zikir
sedang otak senak diasak fikir

apa benar pada setiap perjalanan penuh getir
dihujungnya pasti ada bahagia terukir?

it hurts less u know.
it hurts less when there is one less person bleeding.
it hurts less when there is one less person without a scar.

it hurts less when u were there beside me.
there to remind me that the past can't hurt me anymore.
there to show me that there is a future worth fighting for.
u, just being there.
but no more.

yesss it hurts to finally see u're with someone else.
but it hurts less u know.
less than when u were with me, and i could do nothing about it.
less than to realize the fact that u're closing in just when i'm about to open up.

damn it hurts.
but it hurts less now...

When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days
And you don't know how or why, but you've lost your way
Have no fear when your tears are fallin'
I will hear your spirit callin'
And I swear I'll be there come what may

When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

I will come to you

'Cause even if we can't be together
We'll be friends now and forever
And I swear that I'll be there come what may
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

We all need somebody we can turn to
Someone who'll always understand
So if you feel that your soul is dyin'
And you need the strength to keep tryin'
I'll reach out and take your hand

I'll reach out and take your hand

Oh I will come to you
When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

Oh I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

I will come to you,
Oh I will come to you

no...
nobody will ever come to u.
u're completely on your own.

...
...
...

diam
bukan bererti tak apa-apa
atau baik-baik saja
atau tak pernah merasa marah
atau merasa terlalu kisah

diam
lantaran tak bisa melakukan apa-apa
atau bilang kalau baik-baik saja
bukan juga tiada amarah
kerana bukan kamu yang memiliki dia
tapi dia yang memiliki kamu

dia dan dia
kini mereka keduanya!!!

old wounds never go away do they? they always leave scars behind. walaupun aku merasakan they are gone, but everytime sebenarnya i touch them, i feel them. they are always there, they have always been there and will always be there. be there to bring back the memories of past pain and hurt. and the worst thing is... it will always hurt.

and these scars of mine, bukan sikit. sangat banyak. i try hard to hide it, and bear it all like a great superwoman. but oh, u can see it? well maybe i'm just not good enough. only God knows how i try looking away from them, i try removing them (it's only makes things worse, dan itulah yang paling menyakitkan sebenarnya,), i try everything just so i dont have to remember what went behind those scars. sumpah aku cuba. tapi tak kira mcmana pun the scars tetap ada di situ. it is there whether i want it to be or not. and there is nothing i can do to erase it. no, i could never wash it all away. well… at least not completely.

agaknya, that's what scars are for; they are there to serve as a reminder of things long past, things that i painfully bled from, things that hurt sooo freaking bad. dan setiap kali melihat someone else hurts the way i did, bleeds in tears and asked why to a Being that gives answers few can understand, the scars are what reminds me of what happens when i was too slow to avoid the bullet, and when i didnt dress the wound in time… it is quick to hurt, slow to heal.

yesss, the scars may eventually heal… faded but never forgotten. it's the way its supposed to be. never to be forgotten.

God have mercy if i ever forgot my scars.

God forgive me if i ever do.

aaa... it's been a while, huh? seems like i'm neglecting this blog, but the truth is, i am not. i'm just keeping my little solitary existence (i have to admit) occupied with books, and books, and books, and more books.

but pple need pple. that's the law of universe, the honest truth of things. aku bley kata that i'm more comfortable being alone. even kadang2 aku rasa happy to realise that i, seorang manusia yg kehidupan hariannya (nampak) riuh dgn dikelilingi segala jenis manusia, am actually a loner. tapi bila aku consider all that there is in life… it boils down to one simple equation. manusia perlukan manusia.

i've been a loner for a large part of my life, hampir sepanjang hidup aku. yup, i'm a loner indeed, walaupun most pple who think they know me inside out might think differently. always being at the center of attention (or sorta, not to be exaggerated) and having all sort of frens from all angles of life doesnt mean i am not a loner, or popular at all. and being a loner u see, i tend to learn a lot of things by the end of it. i learn to appreciate the sound of silence. i learn to appreciate the fact that i dont have to deal with a lot of dolts out there who signal left then turn right. i learn to appreciate that the things in life are more efficient, more simple when there is no one around to mess up the regular routine that i have walled myself up under.

then again… some things in life just make me realise that just becoz things are far more efficient, just becoz i dont waste more time cleaning up the mess that other idiots leave behind, doesnt mean i end up being satisfied with what i have. yesss, i never satisfied with what i have.

aku tak tau what things will make pple change their mind but it's hard for me as a loner to change this mindset to realise that hidup ni sebenarnya sukar utk ditempuh sendirian. but what i know, it took me a damn whole series of life changing events before i realised this fact that i need pple around me. at the end of it, life itself, no matter how troublesome and painstakingly annoying to be with pple, always end up with things tasting (even only slightly) better than i can experience without pple around to share it with. itupun, still aku rasa, i'm better off alone.

maybe sbb life like all things need that sense of unpredictable chaos, that wedge in the gears to make things a little more… interesting. as a loner, i'm in control of everything. i shun lots of pple (A LOT, that is) sbb aku rasa life ends up being simpler and as such… everything i do ends up by my own hands. i do things as best to my abilities… and that's all that i can be.

manusia sebenarnya… unpredictable, really. ada complete morons, that's for sure. catatonic idiots that i would love to burn in a large bonfire. but deep down i know it doesn't mean that i can't have pple that are worth paying attention to, pple who can give ideas worth following, pple who can make things even more efficient than i have already pushed it, pple who give me a reason to make things better in my life, a reason to live for more than just surviving for myself. God i know that all very well.

and whether i like it or not, pple are all connected to each other. laen la kalau aku moved myself to an uninhabited island where i am totally cut off from the world at large (which i always dream of). tapi nak buat mcamana, i live in a society of interactions. it's pretty hypocritical la kan to say i dont need pple sedangkan i always realise that everything i have or everything i own or eveything i rely on… depends on pple to make, create, maintain or otherwise bagi pada aku. so rather than closing up to the world i'm simply a part of, why is it so hard to live a little in it? sadly, inilah soalan yg selalu aku tanya diri aku.

sah2 la kan, relationships with pple are complicated. then again since when is life ever that easy to begin with? the only equation i can see here is this… oleh sbb it's more complicated to begin with, maknanya the rewards i get from it are even greater than that i can get on my own. yeah fine… i got all the bad shit when i'm with pple. but just becoz it's the first thing that i can see, doesn't mean it's the last thing i'll experience.

but, if only it's all that simple.

and, at the end of it, it's all up to myself. being a loner, i can't get enuf of this life of the solitary wolf. it takes a hell lot to change my mind and more often than i'm always stubborn about it seeing all that i can see. then again, the best things in life dont come by standing on my own. i always know that. pple always been social animals driven by the purpose of working together to creating something greater than themselves.

now, a big question to myself;

dont u think it's time for u to take a chance and make a change?

truth is... i dunno...