phantasmagoria…
phewwww… now that's a long word to swallow down. technically it means a constantly changing tune or real or imagined images. agaknya dtg dari perkataan fantasy kot? bunyi dan meaning adalah mcm lebey kurang jek.
contoh ayat; my life is officially a phantasmagoria.
haha itu bukan contoh, tapi adalah hakikat. the word perfectly describes my life right about now. kononnya sedang melalui some kind of proses transformasi diri, a hijrah whatever pple called it but kadang2 rasa mcm i have no idea of what i’m doing. most of the time i don't even know what's going on becoz life's just too turbulent to make some sort of proper plan to control it.
agaknya that's what i fear so much… the fact i don't have that much control over my own life walaupun pada hakikatnya kuasa ditangan sendiri. that pretty much sucks okkk…
there was a time in my life like anyone else where it was bad enough to change the entire perspective of reality. that sense of innocence and safety as a kid dissipated with the introduction to… well… life itself. there were things i had to do to pull myself up to the person i am now. things i may harbour a small sense of regret, but still… things i did on my own. my own way.
that's how i've lived my life up until now. that control i have over my life. that sense of knowing and power over what i know. it is that understanding of what i seek to find out that gives me control over what i can see in my life. tapi, apa yg aku cari sebenarnya? semua ni buat aku rasa takut, takut hilang terus pegangan yg memang dah goyah...
and another reason why i fear losing control over my own life is probably becos aku takut going back to the times when i was so lost, so unprotected and insecure. those times... ergh... sape tak takut? for sure i am… its probably what drives me to do the things i do at times. to build myself a place where i can feel safe even if i'm by myself. to always have something to sleep to at night.
when my life is a rapidly changing pot of events, it shakes me, loosens my grip on life and makes me have less of my precious control over it. but when did it speed up this fast? last 2 years ago, perhaps... i dunno. can i slow it down? maybe not at this present time. and aku harap i'm not heading to a serious crash in the perverbial wall of life. it's times like this i need that foresight for the future walaupun kabur. it helps to know when to start switching tracks or putting in less juice to the engine of life.
all i can do what i can do. control what i can. if my mind finally sees the final image of what i'm currently headed towards, then i'd have a little more control of my life. kalau tak… well… do like others do… play the game and hope i dont lose all my chips in one go.
0 sings along...:
Post a Comment