aku adalah angin...

diam
bukan bererti tak apa-apa
atau baik-baik saja
atau tak pernah merasa marah
atau merasa terlalu kisah

diam
lantaran tak bisa melakukan apa-apa
atau bilang kalau baik-baik saja
bukan juga tiada amarah
kerana bukan kamu yang memiliki dia
tapi dia yang memiliki kamu

dia dan dia
kini mereka keduanya!!!

old wounds never go away do they? they always leave scars behind. walaupun aku merasakan they are gone, but everytime sebenarnya i touch them, i feel them. they are always there, they have always been there and will always be there. be there to bring back the memories of past pain and hurt. and the worst thing is... it will always hurt.

and these scars of mine, bukan sikit. sangat banyak. i try hard to hide it, and bear it all like a great superwoman. but oh, u can see it? well maybe i'm just not good enough. only God knows how i try looking away from them, i try removing them (it's only makes things worse, dan itulah yang paling menyakitkan sebenarnya,), i try everything just so i dont have to remember what went behind those scars. sumpah aku cuba. tapi tak kira mcmana pun the scars tetap ada di situ. it is there whether i want it to be or not. and there is nothing i can do to erase it. no, i could never wash it all away. well… at least not completely.

agaknya, that's what scars are for; they are there to serve as a reminder of things long past, things that i painfully bled from, things that hurt sooo freaking bad. dan setiap kali melihat someone else hurts the way i did, bleeds in tears and asked why to a Being that gives answers few can understand, the scars are what reminds me of what happens when i was too slow to avoid the bullet, and when i didnt dress the wound in time… it is quick to hurt, slow to heal.

yesss, the scars may eventually heal… faded but never forgotten. it's the way its supposed to be. never to be forgotten.

God have mercy if i ever forgot my scars.

God forgive me if i ever do.

aaa... it's been a while, huh? seems like i'm neglecting this blog, but the truth is, i am not. i'm just keeping my little solitary existence (i have to admit) occupied with books, and books, and books, and more books.

but pple need pple. that's the law of universe, the honest truth of things. aku bley kata that i'm more comfortable being alone. even kadang2 aku rasa happy to realise that i, seorang manusia yg kehidupan hariannya (nampak) riuh dgn dikelilingi segala jenis manusia, am actually a loner. tapi bila aku consider all that there is in life… it boils down to one simple equation. manusia perlukan manusia.

i've been a loner for a large part of my life, hampir sepanjang hidup aku. yup, i'm a loner indeed, walaupun most pple who think they know me inside out might think differently. always being at the center of attention (or sorta, not to be exaggerated) and having all sort of frens from all angles of life doesnt mean i am not a loner, or popular at all. and being a loner u see, i tend to learn a lot of things by the end of it. i learn to appreciate the sound of silence. i learn to appreciate the fact that i dont have to deal with a lot of dolts out there who signal left then turn right. i learn to appreciate that the things in life are more efficient, more simple when there is no one around to mess up the regular routine that i have walled myself up under.

then again… some things in life just make me realise that just becoz things are far more efficient, just becoz i dont waste more time cleaning up the mess that other idiots leave behind, doesnt mean i end up being satisfied with what i have. yesss, i never satisfied with what i have.

aku tak tau what things will make pple change their mind but it's hard for me as a loner to change this mindset to realise that hidup ni sebenarnya sukar utk ditempuh sendirian. but what i know, it took me a damn whole series of life changing events before i realised this fact that i need pple around me. at the end of it, life itself, no matter how troublesome and painstakingly annoying to be with pple, always end up with things tasting (even only slightly) better than i can experience without pple around to share it with. itupun, still aku rasa, i'm better off alone.

maybe sbb life like all things need that sense of unpredictable chaos, that wedge in the gears to make things a little more… interesting. as a loner, i'm in control of everything. i shun lots of pple (A LOT, that is) sbb aku rasa life ends up being simpler and as such… everything i do ends up by my own hands. i do things as best to my abilities… and that's all that i can be.

manusia sebenarnya… unpredictable, really. ada complete morons, that's for sure. catatonic idiots that i would love to burn in a large bonfire. but deep down i know it doesn't mean that i can't have pple that are worth paying attention to, pple who can give ideas worth following, pple who can make things even more efficient than i have already pushed it, pple who give me a reason to make things better in my life, a reason to live for more than just surviving for myself. God i know that all very well.

and whether i like it or not, pple are all connected to each other. laen la kalau aku moved myself to an uninhabited island where i am totally cut off from the world at large (which i always dream of). tapi nak buat mcamana, i live in a society of interactions. it's pretty hypocritical la kan to say i dont need pple sedangkan i always realise that everything i have or everything i own or eveything i rely on… depends on pple to make, create, maintain or otherwise bagi pada aku. so rather than closing up to the world i'm simply a part of, why is it so hard to live a little in it? sadly, inilah soalan yg selalu aku tanya diri aku.

sah2 la kan, relationships with pple are complicated. then again since when is life ever that easy to begin with? the only equation i can see here is this… oleh sbb it's more complicated to begin with, maknanya the rewards i get from it are even greater than that i can get on my own. yeah fine… i got all the bad shit when i'm with pple. but just becoz it's the first thing that i can see, doesn't mean it's the last thing i'll experience.

but, if only it's all that simple.

and, at the end of it, it's all up to myself. being a loner, i can't get enuf of this life of the solitary wolf. it takes a hell lot to change my mind and more often than i'm always stubborn about it seeing all that i can see. then again, the best things in life dont come by standing on my own. i always know that. pple always been social animals driven by the purpose of working together to creating something greater than themselves.

now, a big question to myself;

dont u think it's time for u to take a chance and make a change?

truth is... i dunno...

dance the streams of the stars in the darkness of the night...

this, this, this and this.

all pointing at him...

why?

is it bcoz someone might be thinking that i was wrong?

if so, tell me right on my face where the hell i gone wrong?