aku adalah angin...

dance the streams of the stars in the darkness of the night...

this, this, this and this.

all pointing at him...

why?

is it bcoz someone might be thinking that i was wrong?

if so, tell me right on my face where the hell i gone wrong?

hidup ini tak ubah seperti sebuah drama di mana pada satu babak mampu membuat kau tertawa bahagia namun pada babak yg laen boleh membuat kau tersungkur menangisi kekecewaan dan kekalahan...

andai pernah melaluinya, cuba ceritakan padaku;

bagaimana rasanya memeluk mimpi dlm diam dan kemudian terpaksa membiarkannya mati perlahan2...???

maybe just one thing, that they do not realize...

she aint strong. she aint tough. she aint good. at all.

she's just a damn good pretender.

damn she needs those masks. desperately.

hi,
how are u?
any progress with ur 'animal planet - white ant project'?
is that mysterious cat still around?
how's ur love doing?
maseh tabah menunggu?
atau akhernya sudah menjemu?

well,
there are few more hows and whats,
but i guess it doesnt matter now.
coz after the only question i managed to ask,
i could see all the answers in ur face.
i understand, very well.
really do.

i am sorry.
i know these three words takkan mampu menampung semua yg telah berlaku.
diulangucap ber-gazillions kali pun takkan bawa apa2 makna lagi.
but...
i have nothing else to say, anyway.
and again, i'm sorry.
i'm sorry it has to end this way.

ever had the feeling that u were leading another life parallel to urs, a double life?

ever had that feeling that u spent most of ur life living in so many different masks sehingga kau tak kenal lagi siapa diri kau yg sebenarnya?

ever had the feeling that u have played suatu watak utk tempoh yg terlalu lama, long enuf to be unsure who is the real u?

ever had the feeling like u're becoming the worst version of ur own self? a self that has keeps on perpetuating by persepsi orang2 di sekeliling?

ok… maybe that's a little too drastic, let's take it down to something yg lebey mudah.

ever lived ur life wearing two (or could be more) faces? one which pple expect u to be and another who u are supposed to be or who u wanna be?

perfect husbands.

faithful wives.

anak soleh/solehah.

ibu mithali.

bapa sejati.

pekerja dedikasi.

penchenta abadi.

perendu setia.

happy couples.

damn sweet lovers.

freaking hot babes.

effing cool gentlemen.

educated academicians.

fucking smart persons.

devoted best of friends.

u name it all.

the sad truth is… i do have that feeling.

tapi, aku percaya, hampir setiap org berselindung behind one of those stupid masks.

dan aku jugak percaya, semua org throughout their lives wear the masks of un-truth to protect themselves… from pple and even from their own selves. however, ada sesetengah golongan that are forced to play constant roles that are not themselves. samada for a greater good or a needful purpose, they need to play those roles day in day out. but there comes a time when the line between those roles and the life u lead jadik blur. and when that happens… u're in trouble. u’ll know what i mean, if u ever been there.

now comes the BIG question:

DO WE ACTUALLY, REALLY NEED THOSE MASKS?

...so pple, if u happen to read this, which mask are u wearing at this very moment?

kita ada kerana tiada
kita ingin kerana mahu
kita malu kerana tahu
kita ikhlas kerana rela
kita emosi kerana rasa

life is one big war, indeed. semua org termasuk kau ibarat soldiers fighting an eternal battle di mana victory bermakna u will achieve contentment in life, maybe. but sekalipun kau succeed, u probably wouldn't even know it. u've been fighting this war for so long that u've forgotten what u're fighting for. u've forgotten what it means to rely back to back on the frens u trust. u've forgotten what it means to be in the arms of the person u love or to hold the hand and watch ur legacy grow up. u take this war for granted so much so that u're tearing urself up time after time becoz u forgot u're ekceli not fighting to survive… u're fighting to LIVE.

mungkin kedengaran agak pessimistic di situ, cynical even… but that's what life does to u. u start out carefree and innocent, then u get enlisted to fight for ur existance and it turns u into someone who can't see anything but the suffering u create in ur own world. tapi as cynical as u have become, consider urself lucky lah… cuba buka mata dan perhatikan betul2. how many pple actually do find some solace in this war? to still see some small hint of beauty and grace in a world built on uncertainty and self imposed misery. bertuahnya kau maseh mampu menyentuh lembut hujan, melihat cantiknya bulan, dan berbual dgn indah malam di tgh kalut kota.

u are soldiers alright… born into a world where u fight to live. u meant to die to ensure that ur future generation is better than u are now. tapi harus lah kan, u can't do that if 3/4 of the world gets so worked up over what they cannot change. memetik kata buddha, satu kepastian dlm hidup is that we all suffer. jadi bayangkan, kalau semua org suffer… no one said u can't turn it into ur advantage. tak berniat to go all masochistic or sadistic on pple, on u to be exact… just that there is a reason why u, and everybody else of course, suffer. if not to grow stronger for the future u're meant to build then what? kalau dlm military we push recruits to the limit to make them faster, stronger and better than they were. begitulah juga qaedahnya dlm hidup!

sebagai manusia semua org akan complain life sucks and what not. even pak2 imam berkopiah tu pun pandai complain kerajaan itu ini, rite? but did anyone not notice maybe that's how it's supposed to be? semua kepayahan dan kebertentangan itu only to make u better and stronger if u can overcome it. seems pretty logical, rite? so screw it all… so life is miserable, but u see what is supposed to be there, the only beauty and grace that all this suffering gives u. hope. hope that by surviving thru basic training, u can at least have a chance to make a better difference for not just ur future… but for frens u fight side by side, for the loved ones u hold on to and for the children who are ur future.

now, isn't that worth fighting for… isn't that worth dying for?

life just never stops to remind me that i’m at it's mercy demmit. entah berapa kali must it remind me that one minute aku bley jadi one of the most contented human being on the planet tanpa pedulik sekuping haram pun for the world, and then the next minute i’m on the edge becoz all those reasons for contentment are the smoke screens to the ever unravelling thread of my perceptive reality…

pain is the key word of the day. it's nothing much… started with yet another restless sleepless nite, i find myself bangun pepagi alam (belum subuh pun ekceli) and dgn gigihnya ber-morning walk around flat2 sesak kat sini (sambil berimajinasi nak dpt se-unit so aku bley dok sorang2 and pasang home theatre and ber-karok kuat2 sampai menyaketkan atey jiran tetangga…) all the times both my legs were screaming for me to stop, but i kept on walking non-stop for like maybe 2 freaking hours walaupun rasanya mcm kepala lutut akan tertanggal at any given time. i didn’t run, mind u, i just walked, and walked and walked. then the usual throbbing headaches (why o why, u failed me synflex?), the constant tummy ache and this weird repeated muscle pull on my chest all the way to my shoulder.

aku sendiri tatau which should be worse, the fact that i am physically (not to mention emotionally) hurting really, really bad or the fact i don't pay any attention to it at all. i know i should be doing something about it, like see any ustaz yg terer2 and bukan setakat jumpa doctor and feed myself dgn ntah hape2 ubat lagi, but i dunno… it's just… well… it's nothing at all… i'll live. somehow i will.

then there is the whole worry thing. things that i can't avoid that just gives me this tight knot in my stomach, makes my heartbeat jadik super laju, and jantung terasa mcm dipulas2. things that are soooo gigantic that it gives me that surreal feeling… like it can't be happening to me but it is. puas ler aku cuba pejam2 my eyes and deal with things one step at the time with priorities first, but no matter what, it'll always come back to those few things in mind. it scares me to play it all in my head, sungguh, mcm horror movies yg asyik berulang tayang dlm kepala. but i can't help it. i can't stop it from playing and i very well can't shut the demmm voices up. all i can do is ride it out and make sure i don't fall off my bed doing so.

there are days when i just don't feel like fighting anymore. this is one of those days… but damned if i have to anyway. it's not something that can be stopped. life doesn't give a fucking shit whether or not aku keep fighting or jadik pompuan lembik yg kememeh, it just… keeps on moving. i just wish i could crawl up in a hole and wait for everything to right itself… HAH!!! i'd probably have to get in line with the rest of the world lah kalau mcm tu. so the least i can do now while i'm waiting is to keep doing whatever i can to make sure this fragile life that i built around me doesn't completely fall to bits. someone's gotta save me… might as well be myself, bukan org laen.

now if any of u folks yg bernaseb malang terbaca entri ni, skipped to this last paragraph becoz u thought i was babbling incomprehensibly… then u're probably on the right mind. some days even i don't make sense to me. i probably skipped to this last paragraph myself… and… there i'm membebel2 again. one of these days i'm going be found wandering the streets talking to myself. at this rate… it'll probably be soon, ye lah, pagi tadi pun dah ada tanda2 kannn...

demmm…

i.just.want.to.sleep.

waktu kau letih dan patah semangat kerana segala usaha dan kerja kerasmu sepertinya tak memberi apa2 makna, Tuhan tahu bahawa kau sudah mencuba sedaya yg boleh. mungkin Dia hanya menunda waktu yg lebih tepat untuk kau raih apa yg kau inginkan.

waktu kau menangis saban malam dan hatimu hancur punah kerana duka dek kerenah manusia yg menyebalkan, Tuhan menghitung setiap titis air mata yg tercurah. siapa tahu akan digantikan dgn pelangi yg indah?

waktu kau merasa hidupmu terumbang-ambing bagai perahu kecil yg berlayar di tgh lautan tanpa arah kerana tiada kepastian tujuan, ingatlah… Tuhan sebenarnya ada bersamamu menunjuk jalan.

waktu kau merasa sendirian meneruskan hari2 mu, keluarga jauh di mata, teman pula entah di mana, sedarlah… hakikatnya Tuhan ada di sampingmu.

waktu kau menemukan jalan buntu sedangkan sudah mencuba segala bagai cara, Tuhan setia mendampingimu mencari jalan keluar.

waktu matamu bercahaya kerana melihat setitik harapan yg menjanjikan, saat itulah Tuhan sedang berbisik kepadamu.

waktu segala sesuatu baik adanya dan banyak hal membuatmu berterima kasih, itu bukti Tuhan sedang memimpin tanganmu.

waktu sesuatu yg menyenangkan hati terjadi dan hatimu dipenuhi rasa kagum, saat itu Tuhan sedang tersenyum manis padamu.

waktu kau memiliki tujuan untuk digapai dan mimpi untuk diwujudkan, saat itu Tuhan mencelikkan matamu dan memberimu inspirasi.

yeah, di manapun kau berada dan apapun yg kau hadapi, Tuhan tahu semuanya. janganlah kau merasa sendiri atau berkecil hati lagi kerana Dia Maha Tahu apa yg kau alami dan rasakan. Dia tidak hanya tahu, tapi Dia juga sediakan jawapan dan jalan keluar untuk setiap masalah yg kau hadapi.

kau hanya perlu mencari dan menghampiri Nya.

seperti pesan emak…

Tuhan Maha Kuasa

sebab itu ada karma

sebab itu perlu redha…

akhirnya
telah benar2 sampai satu titik
di mana aku tidak akan peduli lagi.

emak mengajar bercerah wajah
walau langit mendung tegapkan langkah
walau taufan menggila tidak mengalah
walau terik matahari menyilau jangan mati arah
moga terpahat padat sifat qona'ah...

selalu mengampuni diri?


haha! lawak apakah?!


bukan kah lebey indah kalau pengampunan itu datang dari Tuhan,
dan pentingnya, dari sesiapa pun yg pernah teraniyakan atas sikap tidak bena kamu?

"there is nothing i can do but listen. no, u never alone, dear. i cannot imagine the torture u must be going thru, but i will always watch ur back. this is just another battle we have to fight and i don't have any answers and neither do u. but we both know we'll find a way regardless."

as i put the phone down, i thought hard about my own plight, trying to push the images of desire far away from my mind. sekuat mana pun cuba bertahan, i'm still human and one way or another, i am going to falter in my step regardless. as much as i want what i want, some mistakes when done cannot be undone. and i already lost two pple yg in a way dah beri kesan sgt besar dlm hidup aku. as for her, with dangerous game afoot, she stands to lose love of her life if she doesn't thread carefully.

dan aku, can only pray and pray and pray for her.

how much is a fren worth to u?

how far would u go before u can call someone ur fren?

how much would u do to call urself a friend?

how much would it take to keep that frenship alive?

how much would it cost u to kill ur friend?

could u kill ur best friend?

tentulah the immediate answer utk soalan terakhir adalah no, kan? tapi, what if it were to save the lives of hundred of pple. tak mungkin? what about thousands? millions? the entire world? bagaimana, would u be willing to kill ur fren… personally? sanggupkah kau melakukannya?

when pple say u can't put a price on frenship, they lie.

setiap sesuatu dlm dunia ini ada nilainya. setiap org has their own currency. persoalannya… what is ur price? how much would it take to do the things u really wouldn't do?

all prices bergantung sepenuhnya on the values u hold true in urself. how much u value the things u hold on to depends on ur outlook on the world u live in. kau selalu bercakap tentang benda2 yg di mata khalayak holds noble qualities… but more often that not, u do not follow them.

u are hypocrite.

u are driven by ur own self interests and deny in urself the inability to perform the noble deeds u often tell urself to do. hakikatnya, u have ur own pricetags that life would always pay up on. more often than u think, u are caught in ur own moral and ethical dilemmas sbb kau lupa that life doesnt give a demmm about how much ur frenship is worth or how much it's going to cost u to do it. life just gives u a choice to live for urself or with urself.

so could u kill ur best friend?

it's ur call anyway. whether u save just ur friend or the lives of many. it's just how much it's going to cost u. the only question remaining is this.

could u live with urself in the end either way?

could u?

or maybe... u just did?

she just realized just how pple live thru facebook. its like everybody knows how everybody else is doing, or how much fun they’re having with their lives right now, or vice versa, thru facebook. pple send birthday greetings thru facebook, rsvp for events thru facebook, make new friends on facebook, find old friends on facebook.


as a matter of fact, she just accepted few frens request on her facebook account, from frens she knows quite well even without facebook.


she's not a net junkie na-ah, so today she spends most of her time trying to understand facebook by clicking whatever things that could be clicked on facebook. she even tries to search few names she could remember from her past and gets high if she found any. she does NOT dare to add anyone as her frens, yet. but my God... she gets soooo tuned out that she forgets to talk to pple!!!

yeah, looks like she finally succumbs to facebook.

good luck babe.

remember what Cyril Connolly said?

apa

mungkinkah...

u might not get to read this, tapi persoalan tentang kenapa aku enggan berkongsi cerita sendiri, tapi sebaliknya sentiasa bersedia menadah masalah org laen bagaikan semua itu adalah makanan jiwa yg sgt mengenyangkan, aku ceritakan di sini.

aku berpegang kuat dgn pendirian that the burden of my experience should only be mine to bear. rasanya mcm tak adil to expect pple to understand becoz they haven't gone thru it. more often than not, some experiences mengajar aku that some experiences should never have to be experienced by the pple that haven't lived thru them. for some, what happened would be their first time seeing it. for others, it would be a familiar sight that becomes part of their ability to deal with the world they live in.

what happened, happened and there isn't anything i could do. no blame should be given tak kira pada sesiapa pun. no guilt should be felt, walaupun ada sedikit kesal. no remorse should be shouldered. i can only feel the sadness of loss and hanya mampu berharap that the suffering ended, even if it was by choice. in times like this, it is a moment of reflection, not just of the fragility of the human body, but the fragility of the human mind. some pple battle with their demons all their life and rise to the occasion. some never recover. itulah sbbnya i choose the choices in my life. for better or worse, it's my own way of making sure the demons are kept at bay.

yet, that doesn't mean i’m alone. even in the company of pple who haven't walked in my shoes, i can find comfort in knowing that they are there for me. not as pple that understand, but as pple yg sentiasa mengingatkan aku that the world didn't have to be the war i fight against day and night. pple who remind me of a time we laugh and smiled with innocence. pple who remind me that there is always something worth living for.

yeah, most of them are bound by blood. tapi setengah yg laennya dlm jumlah yg boleh dikira hanya dgn jari sblh tangan, adalah spt kamu.

thanx God i met u… LINA… a fren yg betul2 memahami bahawa erti persahabatan itu bukan sekadar ucapan i love u, i miss u whatsoever, tapi datang dari keikhlasan hati menyokong satu sama laen utk menempuh kehidupan. kita tak kuat, tapi aku ada kamu, dan kamu ada aku...

i just realized it's been more than a year since i've been blogging here silently amidst the chaotic world of the internet.

and the question hits me, again...

“kalau haus…?” “minum.”

“kalau lapar…?” “makan.”

“kalau ngantuk…?” “tdo.”

“kalau letey…?” “rehat.”

“kalau…”

there, she stopped.

“kalau…?”

‘kalau rindu… nak buat apa?’

she wanted to ask, yet the question only echoed in her head. she knew very well what the answer might be.

Big Red Strawberry Farm, CH

dia sedar

matanya tak mampu melihat

telinganya tak bisa mendengar

tangannya tak mungkin menyentuh

jadi inilah saja caranya dia mengubat hati…

she misses him badly.

that’s why she’s here.

Tuhan, sampaikan rindu ini padanya.

bergembiralah
kerana hari ini semakin terbukti that u were right all the way
he fooled you!!!

betapa bijaknya dia bermain kata2
begitu hebatnya dia memperbodohkan emosi kamu
tidakkah ini semua cukup untuk membuka matamu seluas2nya?
tidakkah sangat jelas bahawa langsung tidak ada ruang untuk kamu dlm hidupnya?
apa lagi yg kau mau
apa lagi yg kau tunggu, huhhh???

salammm akak...
apa khabar...
yer..lerrr
dah lupe sy...
arap....akak ceria2 n selalu bergumbire.....
sentiase selera......
x saket....
terang fikiran...tenang atey......lena tdo....
senyom sokmo...
x hemo
ape lagi ek....
dahhh tu jek....laen2 akak piki sendiri.....tp yg baek2 lerr
cume.....satu jek.....sy sentiasa ingat akak.....selamenyer.....
doa sy selalu mengiringi perjuangan akak......salammmmmm windu dari sy akak!!! bubbyeee
salammmmmmmmmmmm

a-beng (23/10/2009 10:00:22 PM)