aku adalah angin...

phantasmagoria…

phewwww… now that's a long word to swallow down. technically it means a constantly changing tune or real or imagined images. agaknya dtg dari perkataan fantasy kot? bunyi dan meaning adalah mcm lebey kurang jek.

contoh ayat; my life is officially a phantasmagoria.

haha itu bukan contoh, tapi adalah hakikat. the word perfectly describes my life right about now. kononnya sedang melalui some kind of proses transformasi diri, a hijrah whatever pple called it but kadang2 rasa mcm i have no idea of what i’m doing. most of the time i don't even know what's going on becoz life's just too turbulent to make some sort of proper plan to control it.

agaknya that's what i fear so much… the fact i don't have that much control over my own life walaupun pada hakikatnya kuasa ditangan sendiri. that pretty much sucks okkk…

there was a time in my life like anyone else where it was bad enough to change the entire perspective of reality. that sense of innocence and safety as a kid dissipated with the introduction to… well… life itself. there were things i had to do to pull myself up to the person i am now. things i may harbour a small sense of regret, but still… things i did on my own. my own way.

that's how i've lived my life up until now. that control i have over my life. that sense of knowing and power over what i know. it is that understanding of what i seek to find out that gives me control over what i can see in my life. tapi, apa yg aku cari sebenarnya? semua ni buat aku rasa takut, takut hilang terus pegangan yg memang dah goyah...

and another reason why i fear losing control over my own life is probably becos aku takut going back to the times when i was so lost, so unprotected and insecure. those times... ergh... sape tak takut? for sure i am… its probably what drives me to do the things i do at times. to build myself a place where i can feel safe even if i'm by myself. to always have something to sleep to at night.

when my life is a rapidly changing pot of events, it shakes me, loosens my grip on life and makes me have less of my precious control over it. but when did it speed up this fast? last 2 years ago, perhaps... i dunno. can i slow it down? maybe not at this present time. and aku harap i'm not heading to a serious crash in the perverbial wall of life. it's times like this i need that foresight for the future walaupun kabur. it helps to know when to start switching tracks or putting in less juice to the engine of life.

all i can do what i can do. control what i can. if my mind finally sees the final image of what i'm currently headed towards, then i'd have a little more control of my life. kalau tak… well… do like others do… play the game and hope i dont lose all my chips in one go.

she's going thru some changes that she needed the most.

aku.

kamu.

dua dunia yang sungguh berbeza. bahkan kita tak bicara dalam bahasa yang saling terfahami. walau masih mendongak ke arah bulan yang sama, warna cahayanya nyata terlihat beda.

kemudian pada satu titik, jalan hidup kita tiba-tiba bersinggungan. lalu tanpa sedar, aku dan kamu menjadi kita. kita yang gembira tapi derita. entah apa bezanya. yang aku tau, kamu seperti bayang-bayang yang selalu ada, terlalu dekat namun juga begitu jauh tak tersentuh.

dan seperti aroma kopi panas, wangimu menggoda. pekatnya sempurna dengan sedikit sentuhan rasa tidak terlalu manis, aroma eksotik dari sepotong cinnamon, dan kelembutan whipped cream bercorak hati di atasnya. membuat aku ketagih menghirupmu lagi dan lagi. tapi terlalu sayang aku tak mampu menghabisi kamu.

kau. ceritaku. kisahku.

separuh hidupku. penyimpan rahsiaku.

itu dulu.

kini,

kau... masa silamku.

kerana titik itu telah terpecah. menjadi jisim halus yang mustahil tercantum kembali.

kau... sejarahku. aku... sejarahmu.

letih melayan permainan takdir
sementara menanti 'detik' yang entah bila kan hadir

hati dan lidah mengalun zikir
sedang otak senak diasak fikir

apa benar pada setiap perjalanan penuh getir
dihujungnya pasti ada bahagia terukir?

it hurts less u know.
it hurts less when there is one less person bleeding.
it hurts less when there is one less person without a scar.

it hurts less when u were there beside me.
there to remind me that the past can't hurt me anymore.
there to show me that there is a future worth fighting for.
u, just being there.
but no more.

yesss it hurts to finally see u're with someone else.
but it hurts less u know.
less than when u were with me, and i could do nothing about it.
less than to realize the fact that u're closing in just when i'm about to open up.

damn it hurts.
but it hurts less now...