aku adalah angin...

maybe love is simple. but sometimes it gets out of hand.

that’s just making things hard for both of us.
i dont know the rules of give and take, at all. that’s how it gets complicated.
complicated things will eventually turns into events that bears more weight than it should.

or maybe one is taking things for granted.
and i believe it's urs truly.



and i'm not even in love with him!

memang bukan easy task, living that kind of relationship every single day. it's much simpler to believe that u literally are single, alone in a world that pays no attention to the things u accomplish in it. tapi, regardless of what lies u tell urself to get thru the worst days, the truth is still that u have someone waiting for u. tiada pengesahan tentang hubungan kau dengannya jadi lebih mudah juga kalau meminjam facebook relationship status as ‘it's complicated’.


tapi, regardless of how hard it is to make a relationship work in life, the bottom line for love and relationships are that they are never complicated. they are always simple and straightforward. they always give its options and paths that u need to walk.


what's there to be complicated about love to begin with? u accept and embrace him for who he is, for better and for worse. u complement his actions, or at least work on complementing the facades in which he runs his daily lives with u. to which u should be able to find security and comfort in a relationship, ur fears and doubt washed away in the words and actions that he offers in ur weakest moments.


that's what relationships should be about. u don't have to wrack ur brains to figure out what's what. it's simple enuf to understand what exactly to do.


of course, samada kau sanggup to make those choices and some sacrifices, samada kau ada kekuatan to see thru the hardest of moments, atau samada kau sanggup to spend the rest of ur life with him who probably has the same kind of doubts and fears about the relationship as u do, all of it, is another story altogether. and in those hard choices to make in love, not everyone has the wisdom or experience to see it as it really is, let alone to see it until the end.


ultimately, love is a simple thing in life. u give and u take. u share and u embrace. u live with it and u live thru it. semudah itu. it has never been complicated and there’s a doubt it ever will. that at least is something to keep in mind thru the hardest parts of it all. u'll feel better about the choices u're about to make with ur own relationships and that's a whole lot better than the alternative.


u know it's true. hell u do.

merah matahari

senada warna darah

turun di batas garis cakerawala

menjemput senja ke peraduan sang malam

ada rindu

yang mengiring langkah perjalanan pulangnya

menuju senyap

ketika ronanya pun mengabur

berganti pekat

malam menyingkirkan rona yang tersisa

langit berubah warna

tapi cinta

akan selalu ada

seperti esok

pasti ada cahaya

as a typical makcik yg suka menyoal2, aku selalu terpikir…

how far can we walk around the lives that we wish we were in?

how far can we pretend to live the perfect lives we wished we were living?

how long can any of us trade existence for the moments that we wish could never end?

and what price are we willing to pay for just that trade off?

masa kecik, aku byk berangan. better yet, aku ada plans to go with those angan2. plans that could go far beyond any dream any child or adult could have conceived. aku sgt obsess with plans within plans, taking ideas apart and fitting it in within more plans. even as a child, kepalotak aku dah complicated dgn mcm2 benda. aku selalu percaya that if aku never stopped planning for the future and always anticipating what could happen, i could always somehow… live forever… always one step ahead of the Angel of Death.

naïve nya…

tapi, some dreams never do die and better yet, some always stay the same. aku tak rasa i’ve ever stopped planning and moving things into positions like a giant jigsaw puzzle. i don't think i ever will stop the dreams of making my mark in the universe, to prove that i'm not just some small gear in the wheel of reality.

yet… some things do change, indeed. i've learnt over time that aku tak mungkin bley plan for the future kalau aku tak at least stop to live in the present. always seeing what's around, rather than what's far ahead. dgn cara begitu, from the pple i've found and the pple i've lost, i've learnt to just… live for the moment. live from moment to moment seeing all that's around me, to see the life, the reality that flows around in that one single moment in eternity.

so where does that leave me? still goes back to planning the plans lah qaedahnya, again and again. and everytime i tend to walk every step and look at every thing i can look at. and everytime lah jugak i tell myself to stop dwelling on the future that cannot be confirmed, but to determine the present that i can deal with… here and now. that's what matters. life can suck so bad… pple could do worse things than taking their life. but it isn't what life throws kat aku that matters… its how i deal with it that makes the difference, kan?

so back to the soalan2 di atas…

jawapannya (bagus, sendiri soal sendiri jawab) hanyalah just for the briefest of moments. sbb manusia mana bley pretend forever, so why bother keeping it? concentrate on making it here and now lah. don't imagine it, shape it! what have i gotta lose??

kau berjalan di bumimu sendiri
bergerak sesuai dengan waktu mu sendiri

bernafas mengikut rentak jantungmu sendiri
matahari yang terbit untukmu
sama seperti ia terbit untuk nya

malam yang mengiringi tidurmu

tetap juga mengiringi mimpi nya…

pada setiap musim yang melewati hidupmu
mungkin juga mewarnai hidup nya
kau harus tahu

kalian akan selalu berbeda
tapi…

mungkin juga akan selalu sama…

semua yang kau tempuh ini

adalah sebuah pelajaran dalam hidup
pelajaran yang tidak bermaksud

untuk kau terus memahami
dan dia serta merta mengerti…

kebahagiaan sebenar adalah
…melihat dia senyum dan ketawa

…melihat dia berjalan dalam dunia nya
…melihat dia bahagia dalam hidup nya
dalam diam

walau hanya dari jauh…

kerana lidahmu yang terkunci
enggan menyuarakan isi hati
tentang keinginan berjalan di sisi nya
menempuh hari-hari yang tiba
sampai sisa umur yang kau miliki
dan pasti tak akan terbagi…

mungkin…
waktu akhirnya akan menyingkap kebenaran

tentang hati dan perasaan…

i really hate that u blame me for not bothering about all these important things, but how the hell would u know i don't think about it anyway. it's not like u want to listen to whatever i have done anyway. it's not like u were ever there in the first place when i need to ask u the things i need to ask.

i really hate that u blame me for being distant. why don't u take a mirror and ask urself where were u when i needed someone to turn to?

huhhh!!!

satu
tak lebih
dan tak kurang
hanya satu
tempat lubuk merindu
harap kelak
moga satu itu jugalah
tempat tertuju
ketika luruh
mengayuh waktu
menuju terbenamnya matahari

u get up early for work, eyes dazed, mind in a blur. grab what u can from ur already empty kitchen. and u wander off to work driving a car that should’ve retired years ago.

u arrive in the opis and beep urself in.

u work hard and focus on doing ur job well – ur career depends on it. it’s way past opis hours before u get home, and if u’re lucky, spend time having dinner with frens or family.

more often than not u have time enuf to catch a short nap before 'the process' repeats itself.

luckily, ini bukan 'proses' idop aku. sbb aku selalu lambat pegi keja, sempat breakfast santai2 lagi kat rumah. dan kalau malas bawak waq gus, bley naek bas, or lrt, or kalau rasa mcm kaya, amek cab.

luckily jugak, aku tak perlu punch card. dan aku suka keja aku skrg, saaaangat bebas. walaupun kadang2 rasa bosan duduk dlm opis, but at least tak perlu berdepan dgn politik opis, sbb aku dah serik dgn semua tu. dan aku baaaaanyak masa utk diri sendiri.

taaaapiii...

the 'process' is perceived differently from persons to persons – some feel it’s about paying the dues, others see it as a system that’s ingrained into life in the working world.

the question is, where do u draw the line between exploitation and ‘not working hard enough’.

that line floats and dances in and out as i work through the days, weeks, months, years.

bukanlah aku tak bersyukur dgn the life that i'm living now, but really, isn’t there any other way besides this? isnt’ there a BETTER way?

or maybe it's time to step back and see what are actually the priorities in my life. and learn to work towards those priorities, becoz when push comes to shove, something’s gotta give.

ada keinginan yg bukan sekadar wishful thinking bahawa pada satu ketika mahukan satu perubahan dan mencari satu bentuk kehidupan yg baru, perubahan+pembaharuan+kelainan total yg langsung tidak ada connection dgn kehidupan sebelumnya.

tak kiralah samada dari segi tempat tinggal, kawan2, kerja, atau apapun. jika memang itu yg terbaik, pastinya akan terjadi dan dimudahkan jalannya.

ketika rasa letih dan penat datang menghentam, dan semua usaha telah dilakukan untuk membendung segala permasalahan, malah sudah puas memanjat doa, sedang penyelesaian masih kabur, pastinya tidak ada jalan yg lain kecuali mencari satu bentuk kehidupan yg baru.

bukan satu keinginan yg absurd, tapi itu pun jika memang diizinkan, dan jika memang takdirnya begitu. pasti akan ada peristiwa baru, cabaran baru dan segala mcm kesulitan baru. tapi dari sisi lain pasti akan ada senyum tawa dan kegembiraan yg datang melengkapi.

tapi itulah namanya hidup. sesuatu perkara yg terlalu pahit untuk ditelan ketika ianya terjadi, adakalanya mampu mengukirkan senyuman sehingga ketawa terbahak tatkala terkenang semula, boleh jadi kerana teringatkan kebodohan diri ketika menangani kepahitan itu. begitu juga sesuatu perkara yg begitu manis pada detik terjadinya, tapi boleh jadi mengundang air mata pilu saat sejenak meluangkan waktu mengenangnya, mungkin kerana terpaksa menerima hakikat terpaksa melepaskan kemanisan itu.

walaupun senang dgn apa yg ada pada saat ini, tapi janganlah menutup pintu dan jendela atas segala hal yg akan datang di kemudian hari. jika itu lebih baik, walaupun mungkin bukan yg terbaik, mengapa tak mencuba untuk menerima dan menjalaninya?

hidup ini indah kawan, dgn segala suka dan dukanya.

i hate everything in my life right now. day in, day out, eyes open, eyes shut, walk in, walk out - every single fucking thing in my life is for others.

i work (yeah, walaupun tak kerja keras, still, i work anyway) to give others pride, comfortability and security.

i love (in the sense of kasih sayang) and care so that others would felt love.

i kept my silence so that others would have an ear to listen to their fucking problems, nags and only God knows what else.

i sleep so that i could wake up tomorrow to give others happiness.

i held back my tears so that others could shed their fucking tears - and i will be the one wiping them.

i'm being sincere so that others would have a taste of sincerity.

i give so that others get.

i bow so that others can held their fucking heads up.

i gave up my dreams so others can have their fucking dreams.

for what? what do i get? tell me what do i get?

being look down at.

being screwed.

being nagged.

being blame.

being arm-twisted.

being kick when i'm down.
having only the fucking wall to hear my sorrows, my fear, my worries.

i am fucking tired of everything and everyone right now.

really tired.

maybe its a blessing, maybe it's a curse.

i don't know. and i want to know demmit.

i'm tired of having sleepless night thinking about others.

i'm sick and tired of not being able to feel the so called love that others claimed to have for me.

i'm tired of feeling sad.

i'm tired of feeling lonely.

i'm tired of crying in the shadows.

i'm tired.

is it hard?

is it that hard to accept me for who i am?

is it hard to let me grow in my own time?

is it hard to let me do it my way?

is it hard to love me unconditionally?

is it hard to make me smile without asking anything in return?

i hate everyone and everything right now...

rupanya kamu masih di situ.
setiap detik.
setiap saat.


percayalah, jodoh itu ibarat magnet.

sehebat mana pun kamu berusaha mendekat, jika dia bukan ditakdirkan untukmu, maka selalu akan ada kekuatan lain yg memaksa untuk kalian selalu berjauhan. dan sebaliknya, kalau dia memang telah ditakdirkan tercipta untukmu, secanggih apapun usahamu untuk menjauh, berlarilah sampai ke hujung dunia sekalipun, dan buatlah apapun caranya untuk menghilangkan dia dalam kehidupanmu, pasti akan ada sebuah kuasa yg terus mendorong kalian untuk saling berdekatan.

dan percayalah, bahawa jodoh memang tak pernah akan berhenti memburu dan mendekatimu sedang pada masa yg sama bisa berlari menjauhi kejaranmu.

jadi sampai bila kamu akan terus menjadi begitu? duduk menikmati gelas minuman yg entah keberapa, memandang langit senja yg perlahan2 memudar merahnya, dan membaca lembaran demi lembaran akhbar yg ada di tangan, sedang jantung yg berdebar hanya memekakkan telingamu sendiri?

percayalah... bahawa jodoh adalah sesuatu yg dipersembahkan untukmu, bukan untuk kamu cari.
percayalah... bahawa jodoh adalah sesuatu yg tak perlu dikejar sampai ke hujung dunia, kerana kelak jodoh itulah yg akan datang mengetuk pintu hatimu.
percayalah... bahawa jodoh telah dipersiapkan untukmu saat kamu masih dalam rahim ibumu; jadi memperebutkan cinta adalah suatu hal yg sangat bodoh dan hanya akan melemahkan jiwamu.

percayalah...

tiba2 rasa… uncertainty and fear of the unknown.

tiba2 i feel as lost a teenager placed in an adult world not knowing where to go and what to do. i've been doing everything i have to survive for so long, i forgot what i want out of things, which doesn't make much of a difference becoz in the line which i have walked on, getting what i want isn't something that happens. period.

still… where to go from here? i have no fucking idea. rasa nak be somewhere else but as my position would put me, that place can't be reached from this present point. all that i can do is again… what i need to do to survive.

is this the rest of my life? to survive apa yg boleh, not live for what i want?

demmm, i really have no fucking idea!!!