aku adalah angin...

i cant sleep.

no. that is understatement.
the truth is...
i.am.afraid.therefore.i.dont.want.to.fall.asleep.

i'm very apprehensive to fall asleep only to wake up
...crying like i'm about to die in an instant.
...with heart beating too fast like my chest is going to explode.
...respiration goes illogically high i dont have time to catch a breath.

damn i hate nitemares.
why there's never sweet dreams on my slumberland?

tired... but wired...
God i'm exhausted...

it took her like forever to get over the fact that baba had finally succumb to his disease.
now comes another frightening news from someone she always held so close to her heart.
please God, dont take him so soon.

it took her a very long time to finally accept the fact that first love doesnt always meant to be true love.
and for whatever reason that invisible entity is suddenly popping out, haunting her like ghost from past.
please God, dont let her falter again.


God... please, please, please...

even if u handle it with extreme care...
u'll never know when the balloon u blow will pop.

malam membuatku menangis karena ia hanya mengantar banyak sepi.
malam memaksaku mengasah pisau, karena sepi memintaku membunuhnya berkali-kali.
karena hidup adalah keniscayaan yang rapuh,
maka jangan pernah gentar pada kematian.

tamara geraldine
(dari kisah2 perselingkuhannya)

aku pernah menakuti kematian, kerana aku tidak tahu bila dia akan datang.
tapi apabila memahami bahawa kematian itu tidak datang,
sebaliknya sentiasa mengekori setiap denyut nadi,
aku tidak gentar lagi.
aku bersedia menyambutnya,
meraikannya dengan hati penuh cinta.

hari ke empat dalam kembara 90 hari mencari cinta.
Tuhan membuka mata dengan menghantar seorang manusia,
yang berkata, 'kamu terlalu skeptikal dan paranoid.'
oh, terima kasih.
aku punya alasan untuk jadi begitu.
pengalaman sayang, pengalaman yang membentukku jadi begitu.
tapi mulai detik ini aku harus belajar menolak apapun alasan yang ada.
demi nikmat cinta yang belum pernah aku rasa.

hadirlah cinta,
sebelum kematian menjemputku pulang.

day 2

progress : 0%



***

dulu aku sama mcm Zalaiva... menanti kerana percaya ia akan datang.
dan benar, akhernya ia tiba... hadir begitu saja.
tapi cuma untuk seketika.

aku dan Zalaiva berkongsi rasa yg sama...
terlontar jauh ke atas awan melepasi petala ke lapan,
dan kemudiannya terhunjam deras terhempas keras ke perut bumi.

parah.
ketika itu baru tersedar, sayap yg kononnya indah itu hanya dongeng.
Zalaiva sedar.
aku juga sedar.

akulah itu, Zalaiva yg buta.
tapi kali ini aku ingin melihatnya secara nyata...
jadi Tuhan,
bukakanlah mata ini seluas-luasnya!!!

day 1

progress : 0%



***

seluruh hidup menanti, dan akhernya apabila perasaan itu muncul, ia diserahkan pada satu entiti yg tidak pernah wujud! cinta pertama yg langsung tiada bukti kewujudannya melaenkan aku sendiri mcm majnun yg giler melayan rasa. betul lah cinta itu buta!

seluruh hidup menanti, dan akhernya muncul lah orang yg (kononnya) benar2 memberikan chenta, kerana segala rentak tindaknya membuktikan keikhlasan hatey dan kesucian niatnya. sumpah, tidak pernah ada yg seperti dia! tapi Tuhan menentukan hadirnya sedikit terlewat.

lalu berperanglah hatey cuba menerima orang yg (kononnya) mencintai dan melupakan entiti ilusi yg dicintai separuh matey. ketika hampir tiada lagi tenaga tersisa, dan hatey mula pasrah menerima, orang yg (kononnya) mencintai telahpun beralih arah. kenapa semudah itu baginya sedangkan terlalu susah bagi aku?

tidak, cinta tidak sepatutnya semudah (semurah?) itu. cinta yg benar memerlukan ruang dan waktu... dia mungkin membuka ruang, tapi dia gagal memanjangkan waktu.

kalau aku mengambil masa yg cukup lama untuk bertemu cinta pertama, dan memerlukan ruang yg bukan sedikit untuk melepaskannya, apa mungkin aku akan bertemu cinta seterusnya dengan mudah?

ruang dan waktu...

sungguh aku ingin bercinta...
dan aku akan bercinta asalkan diberi ruang dan waktu untuk menerima...

phantasmagoria…

phewwww… now that's a long word to swallow down. technically it means a constantly changing tune or real or imagined images. agaknya dtg dari perkataan fantasy kot? bunyi dan meaning adalah mcm lebey kurang jek.

contoh ayat; my life is officially a phantasmagoria.

haha itu bukan contoh, tapi adalah hakikat. the word perfectly describes my life right about now. kononnya sedang melalui some kind of proses transformasi diri, a hijrah whatever pple called it but kadang2 rasa mcm i have no idea of what i’m doing. most of the time i don't even know what's going on becoz life's just too turbulent to make some sort of proper plan to control it.

agaknya that's what i fear so much… the fact i don't have that much control over my own life walaupun pada hakikatnya kuasa ditangan sendiri. that pretty much sucks okkk…

there was a time in my life like anyone else where it was bad enough to change the entire perspective of reality. that sense of innocence and safety as a kid dissipated with the introduction to… well… life itself. there were things i had to do to pull myself up to the person i am now. things i may harbour a small sense of regret, but still… things i did on my own. my own way.

that's how i've lived my life up until now. that control i have over my life. that sense of knowing and power over what i know. it is that understanding of what i seek to find out that gives me control over what i can see in my life. tapi, apa yg aku cari sebenarnya? semua ni buat aku rasa takut, takut hilang terus pegangan yg memang dah goyah...

and another reason why i fear losing control over my own life is probably becos aku takut going back to the times when i was so lost, so unprotected and insecure. those times... ergh... sape tak takut? for sure i am… its probably what drives me to do the things i do at times. to build myself a place where i can feel safe even if i'm by myself. to always have something to sleep to at night.

when my life is a rapidly changing pot of events, it shakes me, loosens my grip on life and makes me have less of my precious control over it. but when did it speed up this fast? last 2 years ago, perhaps... i dunno. can i slow it down? maybe not at this present time. and aku harap i'm not heading to a serious crash in the perverbial wall of life. it's times like this i need that foresight for the future walaupun kabur. it helps to know when to start switching tracks or putting in less juice to the engine of life.

all i can do what i can do. control what i can. if my mind finally sees the final image of what i'm currently headed towards, then i'd have a little more control of my life. kalau tak… well… do like others do… play the game and hope i dont lose all my chips in one go.

she's going thru some changes that she needed the most.