aku adalah angin...

masalah yg dtg dlm hidup selamanya takkan pernah surut. sebelum kau terus mengeluh menangisi semua itu, bukankan lebih baik kau luangkan masa utk berfikir sejenak :

ketika kau bersedih kerana tak diterima teman2mu, ingatlah bayi2 malang yg ditolak, bahkan dibuang bagaikan barang tak bernilai oleh ibubapanya.

ketika kau merasa sendiri, bayangkan seorg nenek yg hidup sendirian dan sepanjang hujung usianya menunggu anak cucunya menjenguk, tapi mereka tak kunjung datang.

ketika kau diperlekehkan org lain dgn kata2 setajam pisau baru diasah, bayangkan nasib pengemis yg setiap hari dihinakan org tapi mereka tetap tegar.

ketika kau putus cinta dan merasa kesepian, bayangkan org2 yg selalu bertepuk sebelah tangan dan tak pernah merasakan cinta dari seorg kekasih.

ketika kau berdiri di depan cermin dan menemukan sehelai rambut putih di kepala, ingatlah org yg berpenyakit kronik seperti kanser tanpa rambut di kepala kerana pengaruh kemoterapi.

ketika kau merungut2 mengenai gajimu yg kecil, bayangkan seorg yg setiap hari membaca akhbar demi mencari kerja, namun tak pernah mendapatkan pekerjaan yg diharapkan.

ketika kau mengeluh kerana masakan ibumu tak seperti yg kau harapkan, bayangkan anak2 yg yatim tidak punya ibu lagi untuk memasakkan makanan bagi mereka.

ketika kau merasakan rumah tempat kamu tinggal begitu kecil, bayangkan insan2 gelandangan yg sama sekali tidak punya rumah untuk berteduh.

ketika kau tidak puas kerana suaramu tak semerdu penyanyi terkenal, ingatlah seorg bisu yg hanya dpt bermimpi untuk berkata2.

ketika kau tak puas dgn susuk fizikalmu, ingatlah mereka yg lahir dgn cacat tubuh tapi mampu meneruskan kehidupan dgn tabah dan penuh semangat.

ketika kau kehilangan sedikit wang dan kau sangat marah sehingga kehilangan damai sejahtera, ingatlah mangsa bencana alam yg kehilangan semua harta milik mereka.

buanglah sejauhnya kesedihan itu dari hatimu. gantikanlah dgn syukur berpanjangan atas nikmat Tuhan yg tak pernah lekang melimpahi hidupmu…

not a word. yeah, the silence is so deafening, i just can't hear myself scream.

tak kira la nampak mcm bodow ke hapeh that i'm complaining and merempan2 about this. of course it does. it's damn stupid for me to be fucking pissed off about something that shouldn't happen in the first place. but it does happen. it happens sbb i happen to surround myself with good pple who's frens aren't afraid to tell other that this person is responsible for the good things that happen to them as fren. pple who's public relations online or real life is so impeccable that pple want to associate themselves with them to feel good about their own life. i know i do… why else la pulak would i want to constantly go out dgn ngkorang?

i know what i want la, but i won't ask for it becoz it's not something that can be asked for. it's something that has to be given in the spirit in which it was offered in the first place. some of the most precious things in life are always unsaid which why they are the things that are taken the most for granted. all i can be is angry that it has to be this way. the rest is for life, the world, u and me to play a part of… and let those things still remain unsaid.

*sigh*

kenapa kau selalu merasa terbeban untuk menjalani hidup?

hidup ini sebenarnya dpt dilalui dgn mudah, tapi ia akan berubah menjadi begitu sukar kerana fikiran kau seringkali menyelitkan keinginan untuk mendapatkan itu ini, mencapai itu ini.

tak salah untuk memiliki keinginan atau yg nama lainnya nafsu. itulah sebahagian sifat manusia.

but wait…

bagaimana jika rasa keinginan dan kemahuan untuk memiliki sesuatu samada dlm bentuk fizikal atau bukan, mula mengusai otak, dan merebut hampir 50% waktu kau?
bagaimana jika pada asalnya kau dpt menempuh hidup dgn tenang, terus berubah setelah menjadi pemimpi paling absurd sedunia ketika menginginkan satu hal yg pada kau jelas tapi sebenarnya terlalu kabur?

mungkin benar, ketika kau berkeinginan sgt besar maka kuatkan hati dan tingkatkan usaha sehingga mampu mencapai keinginan yg besar itu. dan ketika keinginan itu diperlekehkan oleh org lain maka kau harus meningkah,

"mungkin keinginan ini terlalu besar untuk kamu, tapi biarkan aku mencuba sedaya mana aku termampu. siapa tahu pada akhirnya aku akan mencapainya?"

tapi bukan mudah, kan? senang bercakap dan mencipta impian tapi untuk melaksanakannya bukan suatu hal yg senang. jadi bagaimana hendak meneruskan hidup dgn tenang sedang ada keinginan yg belum tercapai?

kuncinya tentulah berusaha menerima apa yg sedang terjadi, dan terus tersenyum dlm menjalani hidup. yet again, easy said tapi nak implement lah yg susah, kan?

apapun yakinlah…
hidup ini indah dgn segala pahit dan manisnya.
yg paling penting adalah belajar untuk menerima hidup itu sendiri dan menjalaninya.
kalau skrg hanya mampu berjalan kaki, ya tempuh saja tanpa mengurangi rasa syukur, kelak bila sampai waktunya pasti kau akan merasa naik BMW sendiri…

kaaannn?

nobody knows what to get out of life. even those who thinks that they do, eventually they don't. and that's what life's all about.




mannn, bagusnya if life's that simple!!!

maybe...
happiness waits for all those who cry
all those who hurt
all those who have searched
and all those who have tried
for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

just maybe
i don't know.

so here i am...

frustrated and angry at the world for being looked and passed over for pple with a much more normal niche because i decided to be honest with myself and with pple.

frustrated and angry becoz as much as i have pushed myself to move on and look at the brighter things in my life, there will always be that part of myself that knows i deserve to be standing up somewhere with close friends to share with, while random strangers want to get to know me becoz i'm worth something to them.

frustrated and angry becoz while i may have something to show for in life, i'm still no closer to being part of something nor have i felt the belonging of a group.

sometimes, it's my own private hell to be denied what i've craved and worked for all my life. more so when i realize that everyone else has what i just want to be a part off. more so when i realize that i still have no reason to have what i crave for the most.

so yeah, fuck.

dont count what u don't have

i'm always reminded of the old adage that becoz u're young, u should go for it. hit the sack late and rise up before dawn, the early bird catches the worm, u know, that sort of thing.

'u can becoz u’re young' they said. 'masa muda kena lah keja keras, dah tua bley rehat'. but is this the way the rat race works, with much aging and aching at the end of the line?

there’s no merit and tak guna pun nak ber-whining2 about the situation, i’m pretty demm sure about that. but being a pompuan yg suka menyoal2, harus lah i question it at times. am i truly up for it? is it becoz i’ve not found my niche? or maybe it’s merely a phase that pple in their twenties go through? perhaps i shouldn’t question at all and accept that it is indeed part of the 'bigger picture'.

no, it’s not that i’m without ambition.
no, it’s not because aku ni pemalas hampas.
and no, it’s not because i hate challenges.

i’m just peeking my nose out of the gutters to see what lies beyond the status quo, and pouting for not being able to see beyond my cloudy future.

i should trust God a whole lot more, kannn? He knows what to do. He always do.

and He reminds me of why i do it, and encourages me to push if i falter. He reminds me of the pple whom i am responsible to, pple who have given their all so i can have more, pple who love me for who i am. aint that enuf?

*sighs*

u know, to realize how much u mean to the pple u care for can be heart wrenching. truth is often without a sense of mercy, neither is it with a sense of compassion or comfort. few pple if ever are ur frens because they can be. for the most part pple are ur friends only out of the sincerity of the moment.

when the moments are gone, so is the friendship.

persahabatan yg terbina bertahun-tahun hilang macam tu jek. walaupun selama ni aku cuba menafikan apa yg terlihat, segala yg terdengar, tapi akhirnya kebenaran akan tetap muncul.

it's a hard lesson learnt, one i am not unfamiliar with. i just allow myself to believe that some things are different, that some things can change. it doesn't hurt any less to come back to the hard truths of life, but at least i don't have to feel too surprised by it happening again. knowing that my faith can be betrayed doesn't mean it can be destroyed. it just means that i have to work harder to keep the faith...