aku adalah angin...

aaa... it's been a while, huh? seems like i'm neglecting this blog, but the truth is, i am not. i'm just keeping my little solitary existence (i have to admit) occupied with books, and books, and books, and more books.

but pple need pple. that's the law of universe, the honest truth of things. aku bley kata that i'm more comfortable being alone. even kadang2 aku rasa happy to realise that i, seorang manusia yg kehidupan hariannya (nampak) riuh dgn dikelilingi segala jenis manusia, am actually a loner. tapi bila aku consider all that there is in life… it boils down to one simple equation. manusia perlukan manusia.

i've been a loner for a large part of my life, hampir sepanjang hidup aku. yup, i'm a loner indeed, walaupun most pple who think they know me inside out might think differently. always being at the center of attention (or sorta, not to be exaggerated) and having all sort of frens from all angles of life doesnt mean i am not a loner, or popular at all. and being a loner u see, i tend to learn a lot of things by the end of it. i learn to appreciate the sound of silence. i learn to appreciate the fact that i dont have to deal with a lot of dolts out there who signal left then turn right. i learn to appreciate that the things in life are more efficient, more simple when there is no one around to mess up the regular routine that i have walled myself up under.

then again… some things in life just make me realise that just becoz things are far more efficient, just becoz i dont waste more time cleaning up the mess that other idiots leave behind, doesnt mean i end up being satisfied with what i have. yesss, i never satisfied with what i have.

aku tak tau what things will make pple change their mind but it's hard for me as a loner to change this mindset to realise that hidup ni sebenarnya sukar utk ditempuh sendirian. but what i know, it took me a damn whole series of life changing events before i realised this fact that i need pple around me. at the end of it, life itself, no matter how troublesome and painstakingly annoying to be with pple, always end up with things tasting (even only slightly) better than i can experience without pple around to share it with. itupun, still aku rasa, i'm better off alone.

maybe sbb life like all things need that sense of unpredictable chaos, that wedge in the gears to make things a little more… interesting. as a loner, i'm in control of everything. i shun lots of pple (A LOT, that is) sbb aku rasa life ends up being simpler and as such… everything i do ends up by my own hands. i do things as best to my abilities… and that's all that i can be.

manusia sebenarnya… unpredictable, really. ada complete morons, that's for sure. catatonic idiots that i would love to burn in a large bonfire. but deep down i know it doesn't mean that i can't have pple that are worth paying attention to, pple who can give ideas worth following, pple who can make things even more efficient than i have already pushed it, pple who give me a reason to make things better in my life, a reason to live for more than just surviving for myself. God i know that all very well.

and whether i like it or not, pple are all connected to each other. laen la kalau aku moved myself to an uninhabited island where i am totally cut off from the world at large (which i always dream of). tapi nak buat mcamana, i live in a society of interactions. it's pretty hypocritical la kan to say i dont need pple sedangkan i always realise that everything i have or everything i own or eveything i rely on… depends on pple to make, create, maintain or otherwise bagi pada aku. so rather than closing up to the world i'm simply a part of, why is it so hard to live a little in it? sadly, inilah soalan yg selalu aku tanya diri aku.

sah2 la kan, relationships with pple are complicated. then again since when is life ever that easy to begin with? the only equation i can see here is this… oleh sbb it's more complicated to begin with, maknanya the rewards i get from it are even greater than that i can get on my own. yeah fine… i got all the bad shit when i'm with pple. but just becoz it's the first thing that i can see, doesn't mean it's the last thing i'll experience.

but, if only it's all that simple.

and, at the end of it, it's all up to myself. being a loner, i can't get enuf of this life of the solitary wolf. it takes a hell lot to change my mind and more often than i'm always stubborn about it seeing all that i can see. then again, the best things in life dont come by standing on my own. i always know that. pple always been social animals driven by the purpose of working together to creating something greater than themselves.

now, a big question to myself;

dont u think it's time for u to take a chance and make a change?

truth is... i dunno...

dance the streams of the stars in the darkness of the night...

this, this, this and this.

all pointing at him...

why?

is it bcoz someone might be thinking that i was wrong?

if so, tell me right on my face where the hell i gone wrong?

hidup ini tak ubah seperti sebuah drama di mana pada satu babak mampu membuat kau tertawa bahagia namun pada babak yg laen boleh membuat kau tersungkur menangisi kekecewaan dan kekalahan...

andai pernah melaluinya, cuba ceritakan padaku;

bagaimana rasanya memeluk mimpi dlm diam dan kemudian terpaksa membiarkannya mati perlahan2...???

maybe just one thing, that they do not realize...

she aint strong. she aint tough. she aint good. at all.

she's just a damn good pretender.

damn she needs those masks. desperately.

hi,
how are u?
any progress with ur 'animal planet - white ant project'?
is that mysterious cat still around?
how's ur love doing?
maseh tabah menunggu?
atau akhernya sudah menjemu?

well,
there are few more hows and whats,
but i guess it doesnt matter now.
coz after the only question i managed to ask,
i could see all the answers in ur face.
i understand, very well.
really do.

i am sorry.
i know these three words takkan mampu menampung semua yg telah berlaku.
diulangucap ber-gazillions kali pun takkan bawa apa2 makna lagi.
but...
i have nothing else to say, anyway.
and again, i'm sorry.
i'm sorry it has to end this way.