aku adalah angin...

hari ini maka bermulalah proses mengimport nukilan lama dari blog zaman silam.
mana yg rasanya logik dan terserap dek aqal manusiawi, pindahkan ke sini.
yg tidak masuk kepala, kurang sesuai biarkan saja.
mungkin akhirnya akan dipadam terus.
tapi bley jadik jugak kekal disimpan buat kenang2an.

tapi satu perkara yg aku tak pasti kenapa,
semua entri blog ni sepanjang tahun 2007 aku jadikan draft saja.
kecuali entri pantun raya bertarikh 8 october 2007.

mungkin sebab aku start blogging kat sini balek on the very 1st day puasa kot .
nak mark konon exactly a year lah kot.
konon je, tapi entah laaaahhh...

phewww...!!!

finally i'm done with the operasi pemindahan entri2 dari walk on the thin line.

now it's about time for me to click the 'delete' button.

i’m thinking i might start a new blog label/tag/category titled ermmm... what about ‘random ramblings’? it would be fitting for posts where i talk about a lot of things, but at the same time, a lot of nothing. it would be the equivalent of mental diarrhea, where my mind just uncontrollably spews out whatever it has digested within the last 24 hours or so. it would be the polar opposite of verbal constipation.

or, aku create satu character baru, one like miharu aka makcik vogue from the other blog. so, i could blab about pointless topics that often do not flow well from one topic to the next, like that awkward conversation with someone i wish to not be conversing with. and better yet, no one knows what exactly on my mind so nobody would shout at me to shut up and stop filling cyberspace with my pointless crap.

now doesn’t that sound like fun?

yeah, makcik vogue blogging here, why not?

ever had the feeling that u were leading another life parallel to urs? ever had that feeling that u spent most of ur life living in so many different masks that u don't know who u are anymore? ok… maybe that's a little too drastic, let's take it down to something a little simpler. ever lived ur life wearing two faces? one which pple expect u to be and one who u are supposed to be?

sometimes its hard to just maintain a facade in front of the pple who see me everyday becoz they rely on that to trust and understand me. there are days where i just want to let go of all that i have and show pple for who i really am. that can be a bad thing though… the last time i did that, being scorned was the least of my problems. i'm sure as hell many others have had that problem before on more than one occasion.

so what else do i have left…? all i can do is to show people the cards i deal with, play with what they are comfortable to deal with. as ridiculous as that may sound, society still is far from being forgiving when it comes to truth and human nature. i dowana be a bigger outsider than i already play myself to be. so if i cant choose the path of being myself, where else can i turn but what other pple play me out to be? it makes things easier for me to work within that system of assumptions anyway.

but what happens when u meet the pple who can understand u for who u are? what happens when u meet that minority of pple who dont judge u for who are, who understand u for ur actions and accept even the darkest parts of who u are? it can be a dilemma when u have to play someone who's true to urself and someone who wears the masks society will interact with. one way or another… there is going to be some botch ups in who u're going to be as.

one way or another i’m going to forget which role i’m playing purely becoz humans are creatures of habit. unless i can compartmentalize my opinions and feelings to a certain degree, i’m going to be one person or another… and even that itself is not something that can be done easily.

i wish that i could always be the person i always am without pple condemning the things i would be willing to do should i be true to myself. i trust that i do have qualities that make me good at what i do… but not without some things that make me the monster i already am. maybe there will be a day where i can walk free of the aliases that i walk under. walk free of the images that pple see me as. maybe that day will come soon enough… i can only hope as always.

keep walking and keep that faith in myself. what am i left to do but that?

waktu ini
menatap layar maya
hati terpana menatap tingkah manusia
jiwa meresah gelisah tak terarah

di ruang maya tanpa tepi ini
...ada amarah yang meradang
...ada harga diri yang kecundang
...ada persahabatan yang menghilang
...ada permusuhan yang tak kunjung usang
...ada mereka-mereka dalam jumlah tak terbilang

tawa kosong tak bermakna
senyum terjungkit walau tak beerti
kata-kata maya hanya raga tak berjiwa
membaca hati dalam sebuah peristiwa

di ruang maya tanpa tepi ini
mereka memaki tak kenal siapa
sedang diri tak pernah menunjuk muka
hanya meninggalkan luka menganga
tabah dan sabar seperti tak guna
mau lari pun hendak ke mana

dan aku
aku terjebak dalam kegilaan maya
bersama dengan mereka tak terbilang ramainya
yang langsung tak terhafal namanya
bahkan tak pernah tahu asal usul keturunannya
kini hanya tatapan kosong
dan aku hanya terbengong seperti kambing sesat
dalam diskusi maya yang sungguh keparat!!!