aku adalah angin...

Undeniable truth...

2011-08-13T01:26:00.008+08:00

I might have deleted our conversations, but I will never forget what you wrote.

I might have removed you from my life, but I will never forget that for a while you were part of it.

We might have stopped talking, but I will never forget the sound of your voice.

No matter how I try to deny, I will always remember every detail, every moment, every piece of the memories you've left.

No matter how much I try to forget, it will always, always be there...

Sebenarnya...

2011-05-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

Aku rindu kamu...

Tapi kamu takkan pernah tau, kan?

*sigh*

missing him...

2011-01-02T15:33:00.006+08:00

it's been a month, exactly 30 days since u left us...
and finally u came in my dream last nite...
i hugged u like never before...
and i said,
'papa... akak rendu papa...'
u didnt say a thing, but thru the heartbeat, i feel like i can hear u say,
'papa tau... papa tau...'
do u, really?

i've said it thousands times when u were still with us, and i'll never stop telling u that...

akak saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaannnnngggggg papa...
papa lah papa akak dunia akhirat...

al-fatihah untuk papa...

19th mei 1943 - 3rd dec 2010

perhaps...

2010-10-12T15:22:00.002+08:00

u're just two different puzzles all put together, becoz none of the pieces fit each other.
now u're falling apart inside, tired of constant trying,
u realize u gotta stop, there's nothing else u could do.
just let go, move on...
perhaps, that's the only thing u could do...

shattered dreams...

2010-10-11T10:35:00.000+08:00

i'm already sick and tired of fighting all these losing battles...

but so long as i live,
the war continues...

dear my dear...

2010-09-28T14:23:00.000+08:00

kamu bukan lagi parah, tapi tenat!!!
sebagai satu-satunya entiti yg paling dekat dgnmu, aku turut berasa sakit.
jadi terserahlah;
if a mask can make it easier to deal with, then put it on...
but u must understand,
that all the masks u're wearing will only make u suffer even harder.

it is chosen...

2010-09-22T14:05:00.000+08:00

kerana...

sebagai manusia,
aku sayang padamu...

note to self

2010-09-20T03:25:00.001+08:00

it's not a fair game u play...
sehingga kamu tahu apa sebenarnya yg kamu inginkan...

or do u?

congratulations!!! #2

2010-08-04T17:20:00.003+08:00

u did it eventually. walaupun kamu sempat muntah dengan teruk sebelum betul2 mampu melakukannya.

it's been like forever of holding ur breath and at the end of it, kamu mengambil kata putus untuk menamatkan segalanya on a single fateful monday afternoon. the endless painful agony has finally ended, because of that single fb post. setelah kamu tersedar bahawa kemunculannya dalam hidup kamu tidak lain hanya untuk membuktikan teori kamu selama ini memang benar. lucu kan, semuanya sama saja walaupun sekeras mana mereka cuba membuktikan mereka berbeza. dan kau sempat mempercayainya!!!

but now, the weight that has been on ur back has been lifted. u survived. today, u're still breathing. u're still alive.

alive to do the things u wanna do. alive to do the things u should do. alive to stay the course u know u have to take. alive to keep the promises u had to make.

for the most part, there was a price to pay for that victory, both physically and emotionally. kamu terluka teruk, seperti terjatuh dari langet dan terhempas atas batuan gurun yg panas menyengat... but like all the hellish trials in ur life, surviving them results in u changing ur entire perspective of life. consider urself the luckiest person in the world. u still have God's Grace. well, it's hard to dispute that now even for an agnostic u, rite?

yet life goes on. u can waffle on about how u've been feeling for the past couple of years, drunk on the triumph of the moment and excess energy that has kept u going in the darkness, but the truth is, the world still turns and life still goes on...

selamat mecipta memori yg lebih indah... dan semoga kamu lebih berhati2 agar tak kecundang lagi!!!

moment of truth...

2010-08-03T16:06:00.002+08:00

if there was ever the most desperate time of my life, perhaps it would be now.

if there was ever the bleakest moment of my life, maybe it would be this.

if there was ever a realization that even mistakes in the naivety and curiosity of youth can't escape, possibly it would be this moment.

if there was ever a chance that everything i've worked hard and dreamed for could be destroyed in an instant, it would be this throw.

everything comes full circle, secrets will come to pass. nothing will escape judgment, and forever will never last.

and my tradition of birthdays has never changed. it will always be a nitemare of trouble, one i know i cannot wake from.

a nitemare i know i cannot resolve.

a nitemare i know will probably kill me in the end.

and this last brick in my hand... will be put to where it should be.

kamu tahu bagaimana...???

2010-08-02T01:06:00.000+08:00

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin meninggalkan bahagian hidup yang dulu pernah sempat kamu terfikir bahawa this is it?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin melupakan kepingan2 waktu yang dulu pernah menyentuh hari-harimu dengan dekat?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin berhenti dan menamatkan segalanya yang pernah kamu percayai?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin menyudahi sesuatu yang kamu dulunya kamu bekerja keras berusaha melakukannya?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya hidup seperti berjalan di titian yang rapuh, meskipun kamu tahu banyak tangan yang ingin membantu langkahmu?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya ketika ingin sendiri saja, walaupun kamu tahu kalau seluruh dunia sedang ingin mengajakmu tersenyum?

kamu tahu bagaimana rasanya memiliki kepercayaan yang semakin pudar, padahal kamu tahu Tuhan sentiasa mendengarkan?

well… i know.

i thought i can do it, but i cant. walaupun pelbagai cara telah dilakukan supaya aku lebih bersedia ketika saat itu sampai.

BUT I CANT... bila ada dua bahagian dalam diri yang sedang berperang mempertahankan pendirian.

dan akhirnya hanya ini yang mampu lakukan, membiarkan peperangan berlanjutan sampai aku betul2 bersedia untuk menamatkannya...

the day had passed, but i still have the final brick in the palm of my hands, waiting to be placed where it supposed to be.

congratulations!!!

2010-08-01T17:46:00.001+08:00

u've successfully reached ur 30th years of life by being single...

so,
another 30 years of living alone,
all on ur own wouldnt be so hard then...!!!

aku adalah angin...

2010-07-20T01:55:00.004+08:00

diam, bukan bermakna tiada rasa yg tercurah...
cuma mungkin terlalu personal sehingga harus berfikir lama untuk menekan butang oren. ketika itu, memilih butang biru adalah jalan yg paleng mudah. jadi sehingga kini, senarai draft lebey berjela panjangnya dari published post. samada semua racaugalau yg berjaya terluah sebagai draft itu akan kekal begitu, atau akhernya terpilih untuk disiarkan, biar waktu menentukan...

sekarang ini, konsentrasi 190% adalah pada binaan itu.
hanya tinggal 12 bata untuk dinaekkan.
semuanya harus sempurna.
segalanya mesti tepat pada tempatnya.
tidak boleh ada cela.
jangan sampai tersilap letaknya.

dan,
tatkala siap sempurna binaan itu; irama baru akan digubah, tarian hidup akan berubah.

aku,
sudah bersediakah?

the haunting nitemare that could end it all...

2010-07-04T15:28:00.004+08:00

bukan mudah untuk melangsung kehidupan tanpa resah gundah when u have no idea bila masa itu akan benar2 sampai.
bukan mudah untuk terus bernafas seperti manusia normal laen when u don't know how it will strike u with fatal blow.
bukan mudah untuk menghargai setiap detik dan saat when u have to keep watching ur own back.

like a prisoner on death row, the end could come at any time.

i dont want this dream to end, but the inevitable has to come to pass as setiap mimpi tak kira indah atau mengerikan harus berakher saat fajar menjelang.

it's just a matter of whether or not the nightmare will take its place as expected.

and the clock is ticking, it always does.

today, is one of those days...

2010-07-01T01:03:00.001+08:00

sometimes, on the darkest days di mana tiada segaris cahaya pun sudi menyuluh jalan, di mana no one is there untuk menjadi bahu tempat bersandar meringan beban, when no one watches dan berkongsi segala kekusutan, when no one listens to whatever my heart wants to sing or my soul to cry, i like to sit down in the corner of the darkness and watch my own self bleed, and the rest of the world to burn...

dan hari ini, adalah antara sekian banyak hari2 itu...

somehow u will...

2010-06-29T17:47:00.001+08:00

kadang2, the only thing u can do is pray, which i know is the hardest thing to do bilamana kau sering sekali mempersoalkan Penguasa Langet samada Dia betul2 mendengar doamu.

dan bila seluruh ruang lingkup kehidupanmu is based on objectifying and cataloging every moment of setiap pengalaman dan rencah hidup yang telah kau tempuh, u know u've hit the deepest end when the only solution u can turn to is an abstract of human faith.

i know, u're now lie in the hard, deep end... sebuah lohong gelap yang tidak terjangkau walau sekilas cahaya pun. and u don't know how u're going to get out of this one.

but trust me, i know somehow u will.

dan Dia juga sentiasa mendengarkan kamu, u know.

thank u...

2010-06-25T14:20:00.004+08:00

for everything u've done for me.
for all the years u've stand by me.
and for all the things u've said last nite,
i thank u...
for taking me as what i am.
for always being there no matter how difficult urs truly is.
i thank u...
i couldnt ask for more.

thank u, pakcik.

things in this world...

2010-06-20T17:46:00.000+08:00

ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not hear, and u have heard it.

ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not say, and u have said it.

ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not see, and u have seen it.

ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should not do, and yes, u have done it.

ada beberapa perkara in the world that u should do, but no, u chose not to do it.

nor should u be compelled to, but its sweet call will always be there and u're not but human.

oh God give her the strength and wisdom to see this through. or at least show her a resolution everybody can be happy about.

dear God...

2010-06-05T09:51:00.002+08:00

since been having this stupid thingy, it's always been hard to get out of my bed everytime i wake up from deep sleep (meaning, sleeping in static position for more than an hour), but today is the most difficult. set my alarm at 7.30 because i need to pack my things and go to the office as soon as i can. BUT, it took me almost half an hour just to lift my right hand and when i finally managed to step my feet on the floor, it was already 9 o'clock. the bed was soaking wet with sweat, and my pillow with tears. it's just too painful...

i keep trying to stay positive, but things are getting worse, and i dunno if i can make it for the next 14 days...

help me God...

let's talk about it...

2010-05-31T16:26:00.001+08:00

it hurts doesnt it? to do what u did. to go thru what u did. it always hurts. more so the 1st time u go thru with it. even though u know it's the right thing to do. even though u know there is no other option than what was laid down before u. even though u know it will be by ur very own hand. it hurts. it always does.

when it's over, u'll look back at it knowing that some things in life dont come easy. u'll look back knowing that with that equal amount of pleasure, there has to be the pain that comes with making that choice, going thru that decision. most importantly, u'll look back knowing that it will be the exactly moment in life u started to grow up and make the better choices in life.

nothing in life is ever that sure. u should know, u've debated about it for more than u've realized. it probably gave u more than ur fair share of sleepless night over it. even after it's been done, u're just not sure if u've done the right thing. u don't know if what will happen will ever be the same anymore. all the doubts, all the fears, all the guilt, they just stand in the way of making the choices that u know u need to make. they cloud u from the truth that things aren't what were in the years before this.

but guilt… is a good thing. conscience is what tells u that u're still a good person. it's what tells u that u're still human. dont look to other pple. there's no use. everybody's just the same. u've fallen from ur own graces. u've walked away from ur own conscience, walked away from ur own guilt about the things u have done. the history repeats itself, in a different way. yeah u feel bad, but congratulations, u're still a decent human being.

i, as another u, can't promise u that it's not going to hurt the next time. i, that live in u, can't promise u that the next one will be just as what u went thru before. i, ur very own alter-ego, can't promise anything that lies in the future because really… no one can. what i can tell u is that this time, u'll be better prepared for what may come. that's what life is all about. not in the anticipating the moments, but knowing how to deal with what nightmares and dreamscapes that may come. u'll be smarter then… that much i can promise u.

after all that's said and done, after all that's happened and will happen. life does indeed go on. it may hurt. it may sting. it may feel like there is an empty gaping hole where what mattered most once was. but life goes on and there is no sense in living in that moment of pain. u know because u've lived it before. i was there with u when u did. i'm always with u. u know there was no greater pain than what u've been thru. u know what u're going thru will be over. and u know i'll always be here for u. because no one else will.

u only have me. we only have each other...

because i hoped...

2010-05-28T00:05:00.001+08:00

bbrp minggu kebelakangan, ada satu soalan yg sentiasa menyesakkan kepala. tak jumpa jawapan pada diri sendiri, beralih tanya pada Yg Lebih Tahu. Dia menemukan dgn Ray, lalu sedikit sebanyak meringankan sesak yg kalau tidak hampir putus nafas memikirkannya. namun dlm kembara bersama Ray, aku cuma belajar menerima hakikat bahawa setiap sesuatu perkara itu ada sbb dan akibatnya. Tuhan tidak menjadikannya berlaku sia2, pasti ada yg tersembunyi disebalik setiap kejadian.

tiada jawapan utk pertanyaan aku yg satu itu, melainkan pengertian.

sehinggalah petang tadi, aku ditakdirkan bertemu dgn jawapan yg aku cari2 sejak bbrp minggu kebelakangan. hoho tidaaaaakkk, tidak ada malaikat bersayap indah datang bertenggek di sebelahku, tidak ada juga org dgn wajah menyenangkan menepuk lembut bahuku. tidak ada. jawapan itu datang begitu saja. tepatnya, sewaktu aku sedang berhempas pulas melawan percikan minyak panas di dlm kuali kerana menggoreng ikan jaket. ketika itulah Tuhan berbaek hatey memberi aku jawapan.

aku masih ingat, kira2 setahun lps, buat pertama kali, aku belajar masak sayur kobis masak lemak (yg gagal, sebab rasanya sungguh pelik). aku goreng ikan dan telur dadar dan bungkus semua dlm tupperware bersama nasi. masuk dlm paperbag, dan akhernya dibuka semula di dataran merdeka. dia... lelaki yg dulunya memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' makan apa yg aku masak walaupun nampak terpaksa. dan aku bersungguh2 melihat dia makan tanpa menyedari telah terpercik satu harapan di dlm hatey. harapan yg teramat kecil utk aku sedari kewujudannya waktu itu. aku tak sedar, dia juga mungkin tak sedar, tapi harapan itu ada.

jadi itulah jawapannya... HARAPAN... semua ini berlaku sbb aku berharap. bukan harapan yg besar, cuma sepintas lalu, but still, i hoped. dan lebih teruk lagi, aku berusaha menuju ke arah harapan itu. dan dia tahu apa yg aku lakukan walaupun secara zahir aku menafikan. sebab itulah...

aku tidak sakit separah ini atas apa yg berlaku antara aku dgn a-beng. kenapa? sbb aku tidak pernah menggantung apa2 harapan langsung pada hubungan tu. betul, aku terluka sbb dia hanya menganggap aku mcm pelacur murahan, tapi dgn mudah aku membiarkan semuanya berlalu. betul, aku marah sebab dia memusnahkan segala angan2 cinta pertamaku, tapi tidak lama aku menerima semuanya dgn terbuka.

tapi lelaki yg memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' tu...

demi Tuhan, seumur hidup aku tak pernah memberi harapan pada sesiapa pun. tidak juga pada diri sendiri. walaupun secubit. sebab aku dah lama tahu, betapa akibatnya jika harapan hanyalah mimpi kosong. boleh jadi petaka, bencana. tapi dgn lelaki yg memanggil aku 'budak dagu kerut' tu... aku telah memberi harapan pada diri sendiri. dan di situlah silapnya.

jadi sekarang, aku perlu membuang jauh2 harapan tu. memang, ia sangat sukar, sebagaimana sukarnya aku memberi peluang pada diri sendiri utk berharap. tapi semua mesti dipadamkan terus. sbb selagi harapan tu ada, selagi itulah aku akan menderita...

i hoped... and that was the biggest mistake i ever made in my life so far...

rembulan tenggelam di wajahmu...

2010-05-26T23:23:00.003+08:00

tidak sampai separuh pun bersama kembara memutar masa Ray, aku sedar dia ada dalam aku. pertanyaan2, kesalan2, kutukan2 menyalahkan sesuatu yg tak pasti... tapi yg paleng pasti, layanan Ray pada rembulan. aku sangat memahami perasaan Ray bila dia duduk sendirian menatap bulan di langet. sbb aku sendiri penchenta bulan sejati.

sungguh, sewaktu kecil aku selalu mengintai bulan dari celah tingkap (sbb emak tak bagi bukak tingkap malam2, maklumlah... rumah dekat betul dengan tanah perkuburan). bila masuk asrama aku selalu mencuri masa berdiri di hujung koridor tingkat 3 memerhati langit, mengharap bulan berbaek hatey tersenyum padaku. semasa di uni, aku biasa memanjat ke tangki aer blok 1 malam2 buta tanpa rasa takut walaupun semua org tahu betapa berhantu tempat tu (memang, mungkin hanya 2,3 org saja yg tau aktiviti gila aku nih)! tak kira di mana pun, aku selalu memandang ke atas mencari bulan. terbaek jika aku dapat duduk di buaian, menghayun diri selaju boleh, sehingga kaki terangkat tinggi dan dapat menyentuh bulan!!! itu, paleng aku suka... ya, ada sesuatu pada bulan yg tak terungkapkan perasaannya.

sehinggalah semalam, setelah aku menamatkan perjalanan 60 tahun usia Ray. aku temukan sesuatu. sesuatu, yg maseh tak terungkap dgn kata2. memang, aku bukan Ray, dan Ray bukan aku. tapi kesemua 5 persoalannya itu antara ribuan soalan yg selalu berpusing2 dlm ruang sempit kepalaku. aku mungkin tidak akan pernah berpeluang seperti Ray bertemu dengan orang dengan wajah menyenangkan itu (lagipun itu hanya khayalan, kan?) tapi Ray mendapatkannya kerana rembulan...

"Ini semua kerana rembulan. Setiap kali kau memandangnya, kau selalu berterima kasih kepada Tuhan. Setiap kali kau melihatnya, kau selalu merasa kuasa Tuhan menjejak setiap sudut bumi di mana cahaya rembulan menyentuhnya. Kau mengutuk, membantah, berprasangka buruk kepada Tuhan. Tetapi kau jujur, tidak pernah berdusta saat menatap rembulan, apa adanya. Kau selalu merasa andai kata semua kehidupan ini menyakitkan, maka di luar sana masih ada sepotong bahagian yang menyenangkan."

saat Ray dipersembahkan jawapan kepada persoalan terakhirnya, aku sendiri bertemu jawapan untuk sekian banyak pertanyaan...

section closed

2010-05-23T17:27:00.004+08:00

eh, siapa kata tak pernah dibuka?
pernah, tepatnya DUA kali.
pertama, tanpa sedar.
kedua, desakan cara halus. sedikit kerelaan. dalam keterpaksaan, mungkin.

kesannya?
sakit. sangat sakit.

jadi, biarlah tertutup terus.
tak mahu mengundang sakit lagi.
sakit akibat keterbukaan yg dua kali itu pun belum habis lagi.

jadi, biarlah hidup kosong begini.
tak mahu mencipta kenangan lagi.
kenangan itu menyakitkan, malah menyebalkan saat perlu dilupakan.

kamu tau itu???
hah, mana mungkin kamu tau.
let go bagi kamu...
adalah semudah mencampakkan kacang ke dalam mulut!!!

i'm not alone...

2010-05-20T23:25:00.004+08:00

Patricia asked...

What's there to be depressed about? Could it be because it takes me 20 minutes to get out of bed? Or because I have to choke back the tears as I shuffle across the parking lot on my way to work? Or could it be that I can't lift my arm over my head to do my hair? Or could it be, that I can't stand waking up, knowing that that is the most painful part of the day?

i said...

everything u said and more. it is very depressing knowing that u cant do the things u want to or use to be able to do, u know. and it's kinda hard to be up all the time when u're in chronic pain no one around u would understand. i try to stay strong and live a normal life but there are times when i just cant take it...

oh how i wish i could run again someday...

the wall

2010-05-18T04:34:00.000+08:00

dulu
dia bina tembok dari bata ketakutan
bersimenkan kebimbangan dan kekhuatiran...

tapi ada tangan besi
mengetuk dan meruntuh perlahan-lahan
bila tembok dari batatakutsimenbimbang akhirnya roboh
tangan besi bertepuk dan melambai pergi...

kini
dia bina tembok dari bata air mata
bersimenkan kekecewaan dan kelukaan...

demi Tuhan dia bersumpah
tembok dari bataairmatasimenkecewa ini
akan lebih kukuh dan kuat
dan takkan runtuh datanglah mesin besi sekalipun...

gelas kaca

2010-05-17T00:28:00.000+08:00

kemaren gelas kaca saya retak
tapi saya tampal dengan pita lekat
nampak teruk, tapi maseh boleh pakai.

semalam gelas kaca saya pecah
saya cuba tampal dengan pita lekat
nampak sangat huduh, tapi saya maseh simpan.

tadi gelas kaca saya terhempas berderai
saya tetap cuba tampal dengan pita lekat
walaupun jari terluka berdarah pekat.

gelas kaca saya
dah tak serupa gelas kaca lagi
dah tak boleh ditampal2 lagi.
tapi saya takkan buangkan
sebab gelas kaca saya ini
saya dapat bertaruh maruah sendiri...

kau bukan bodoh, tapi BANGANG!!!

2010-05-13T16:51:00.001+08:00

sudah terlalu lama
tapi kau masih terdera
hijab rahsia demi rahsia
satu demi satu terbuka di depan mata...

kasihan...
sesuatu yg kononnya suci dan agung itu
tak pernah wujud
sekadar halusinasi kau yg bangang
sungguh,
KAU MEMANG BANGANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hyperarousal insomnia sounds kinky eh?

2010-05-11T01:12:00.005+08:00

i cant sleep.

no. that is understatement.
the truth is...
i.am.afraid.therefore.i.dont.want.to.fall.asleep.

i'm very apprehensive to fall asleep only to wake up
...crying like i'm about to die in an instant.
...with heart beating too fast like my chest is going to explode.
...respiration goes illogically high i dont have time to catch a breath.

damn i hate nitemares.
why there's never sweet dreams on my slumberland?

tired... but wired...
God i'm exhausted...

God please give her strength...

2010-05-06T16:13:00.002+08:00

it took her like forever to get over the fact that baba had finally succumb to his disease.
now comes another frightening news from someone she always held so close to her heart.
please God, dont take him so soon.

it took her a very long time to finally accept the fact that first love doesnt always meant to be true love.
and for whatever reason that invisible entity is suddenly popping out, haunting her like ghost from past.
please God, dont let her falter again.

God... please, please, please...

life is so fragile...

2010-05-05T16:35:00.001+08:00

even if u handle it with extreme care...
u'll never know when the balloon u blow will pop.

al - fatihah...
(rip)

sebelum kematian menjemputku pulang

2010-05-04T23:49:00.007+08:00

malam membuatku menangis karena ia hanya mengantar banyak sepi.
malam memaksaku mengasah pisau, karena sepi memintaku membunuhnya berkali-kali.
karena hidup adalah keniscayaan yang rapuh,
maka jangan pernah gentar pada kematian.

tamara geraldine
(dari kisah2 perselingkuhannya)

aku pernah menakuti kematian, kerana aku tidak tahu bila dia akan datang.
tapi apabila memahami bahawa kematian itu tidak datang,
sebaliknya sentiasa mengekori setiap denyut nadi,
aku tidak gentar lagi.
aku bersedia menyambutnya,
meraikannya dengan hati penuh cinta.

hari ke empat dalam kembara 90 hari mencari cinta.
Tuhan membuka mata dengan menghantar seorang manusia,
yang berkata, 'kamu terlalu skeptikal dan paranoid.'
oh, terima kasih.
aku punya alasan untuk jadi begitu.
pengalaman sayang, pengalaman yang membentukku jadi begitu.
tapi mulai detik ini aku harus belajar menolak apapun alasan yang ada.
demi nikmat cinta yang belum pernah aku rasa.

hadirlah cinta,
sebelum kematian menjemputku pulang.

please... please... please...

2010-05-03T16:31:00.002+08:00

please dont cry...

antara aku dan Zalaiva...

2010-05-02T20:31:00.006+08:00

day 2

progress : 0%

***

dulu aku sama mcm Zalaiva... menanti kerana percaya ia akan datang.
dan benar, akhernya ia tiba... hadir begitu saja.
tapi cuma untuk seketika.

aku dan Zalaiva berkongsi rasa yg sama...
terlontar jauh ke atas awan melepasi petala ke lapan,
dan kemudiannya terhunjam deras terhempas keras ke perut bumi.

parah.
ketika itu baru tersedar, sayap yg kononnya indah itu hanya dongeng.
Zalaiva sedar.
aku juga sedar.

akulah itu, Zalaiva yg buta.
tapi kali ini aku ingin melihatnya secara nyata...
jadi Tuhan,
bukakanlah mata ini seluas-luasnya!!!

i want to fall in love...

2010-05-01T12:39:00.002+08:00

day 1

progress : 0%

***

seluruh hidup menanti, dan akhernya apabila perasaan itu muncul, ia diserahkan pada satu entiti yg tidak pernah wujud! cinta pertama yg langsung tiada bukti kewujudannya melaenkan aku sendiri mcm majnun yg giler melayan rasa. betul lah cinta itu buta!

seluruh hidup menanti, dan akhernya muncul lah orang yg (kononnya) benar2 memberikan chenta, kerana segala rentak tindaknya membuktikan keikhlasan hatey dan kesucian niatnya. sumpah, tidak pernah ada yg seperti dia! tapi Tuhan menentukan hadirnya sedikit terlewat.

lalu berperanglah hatey cuba menerima orang yg (kononnya) mencintai dan melupakan entiti ilusi yg dicintai separuh matey. ketika hampir tiada lagi tenaga tersisa, dan hatey mula pasrah menerima, orang yg (kononnya) mencintai telahpun beralih arah. kenapa semudah itu baginya sedangkan terlalu susah bagi aku?

tidak, cinta tidak sepatutnya semudah (semurah?) itu. cinta yg benar memerlukan ruang dan waktu... dia mungkin membuka ruang, tapi dia gagal memanjangkan waktu.

kalau aku mengambil masa yg cukup lama untuk bertemu cinta pertama, dan memerlukan ruang yg bukan sedikit untuk melepaskannya, apa mungkin aku akan bertemu cinta seterusnya dengan mudah?

ruang dan waktu...

sungguh aku ingin bercinta...
dan aku akan bercinta asalkan diberi ruang dan waktu untuk menerima...

90 hari mencari cinta, huh?

2010-04-30T19:25:00.001+08:00

makcik... what the hell are u doing?!

my life is officially a phantasmagoria...

2010-04-29T15:27:00.002+08:00

phantasmagoria…

phewwww… now that's a long word to swallow down. technically it means a constantly changing tune or real or imagined images. agaknya dtg dari perkataan fantasy kot? bunyi dan meaning adalah mcm lebey kurang jek.

contoh ayat; my life is officially a phantasmagoria.

haha itu bukan contoh, tapi adalah hakikat. the word perfectly describes my life right about now. kononnya sedang melalui some kind of proses transformasi diri, a hijrah whatever pple called it but kadang2 rasa mcm i have no idea of what i’m doing. most of the time i don't even know what's going on becoz life's just too turbulent to make some sort of proper plan to control it.

agaknya that's what i fear so much… the fact i don't have that much control over my own life walaupun pada hakikatnya kuasa ditangan sendiri. that pretty much sucks okkk…

there was a time in my life like anyone else where it was bad enough to change the entire perspective of reality. that sense of innocence and safety as a kid dissipated with the introduction to… well… life itself. there were things i had to do to pull myself up to the person i am now. things i may harbour a small sense of regret, but still… things i did on my own. my own way.

that's how i've lived my life up until now. that control i have over my life. that sense of knowing and power over what i know. it is that understanding of what i seek to find out that gives me control over what i can see in my life. tapi, apa yg aku cari sebenarnya? semua ni buat aku rasa takut, takut hilang terus pegangan yg memang dah goyah...

and another reason why i fear losing control over my own life is probably becos aku takut going back to the times when i was so lost, so unprotected and insecure. those times... ergh... sape tak takut? for sure i am… its probably what drives me to do the things i do at times. to build myself a place where i can feel safe even if i'm by myself. to always have something to sleep to at night.

when my life is a rapidly changing pot of events, it shakes me, loosens my grip on life and makes me have less of my precious control over it. but when did it speed up this fast? last 2 years ago, perhaps... i dunno. can i slow it down? maybe not at this present time. and aku harap i'm not heading to a serious crash in the perverbial wall of life. it's times like this i need that foresight for the future walaupun kabur. it helps to know when to start switching tracks or putting in less juice to the engine of life.

all i can do what i can do. control what i can. if my mind finally sees the final image of what i'm currently headed towards, then i'd have a little more control of my life. kalau tak… well… do like others do… play the game and hope i dont lose all my chips in one go.

that girl in the mirror...

2010-04-28T14:25:00.000+08:00

she's going thru some changes that she needed the most.

good luck!!!

last note

2010-04-27T19:17:00.003+08:00

aku.

kamu.

dua dunia yang sungguh berbeza. bahkan kita tak bicara dalam bahasa yang saling terfahami. walau masih mendongak ke arah bulan yang sama, warna cahayanya nyata terlihat beda.

kemudian pada satu titik, jalan hidup kita tiba-tiba bersinggungan. lalu tanpa sedar, aku dan kamu menjadi kita. kita yang gembira tapi derita. entah apa bezanya. yang aku tau, kamu seperti bayang-bayang yang selalu ada, terlalu dekat namun juga begitu jauh tak tersentuh.

dan seperti aroma kopi panas, wangimu menggoda. pekatnya sempurna dengan sedikit sentuhan rasa tidak terlalu manis, aroma eksotik dari sepotong cinnamon, dan kelembutan whipped cream bercorak hati di atasnya. membuat aku ketagih menghirupmu lagi dan lagi. tapi terlalu sayang aku tak mampu menghabisi kamu.

kau. ceritaku. kisahku.

separuh hidupku. penyimpan rahsiaku.

itu dulu.

kini,

kau... masa silamku.

kerana titik itu telah terpecah. menjadi jisim halus yang mustahil tercantum kembali.

kau... sejarahku. aku... sejarahmu.

namatidakpenting

2010-04-22T11:04:00.001+08:00

it used to be my sanctuary...
a place to remind me that there's someone who loves me no matter what...
every single word written was like a beautiful love song to my ear.
every pouring emotions was just like food to my soul.

but now it's hers...
i'm just a fool for believing and trying.
coz he never loved me afterall...

bukan noktah tapi titik ganda tiga lagi!

2010-04-16T01:03:00.001+08:00

letih melayan permainan takdir
sementara menanti 'detik' yang entah bila kan hadir

hati dan lidah mengalun zikir
sedang otak senak diasak fikir

apa benar pada setiap perjalanan penuh getir
dihujungnya pasti ada bahagia terukir?

yes it hurts, but it hurts less now...

2010-04-12T08:40:00.001+08:00

it hurts less u know.
it hurts less when there is one less person bleeding.
it hurts less when there is one less person without a scar.

it hurts less when u were there beside me.
there to remind me that the past can't hurt me anymore.
there to show me that there is a future worth fighting for.
u, just being there.
but no more.

yesss it hurts to finally see u're with someone else.
but it hurts less u know.
less than when u were with me, and i could do nothing about it.
less than to realize the fact that u're closing in just when i'm about to open up.

damn it hurts.
but it hurts less now...

will anybody ever come to u?

2010-04-09T15:32:00.001+08:00

When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days
And you don't know how or why, but you've lost your way
Have no fear when your tears are fallin'
I will hear your spirit callin'
And I swear I'll be there come what may

When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

I will come to you

'Cause even if we can't be together
We'll be friends now and forever
And I swear that I'll be there come what may
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

We all need somebody we can turn to
Someone who'll always understand
So if you feel that your soul is dyin'
And you need the strength to keep tryin'
I'll reach out and take your hand

I'll reach out and take your hand

Oh I will come to you
When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You won't have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

Oh I will come to you
Oh I will come to you

I will come to you,
Oh I will come to you

no...
nobody will ever come to u.
u're completely on your own.

but i guess, u'll never know...

2010-04-07T00:48:00.002+08:00

dulu
saat waktu semakin suntuk
kau masih sibuk mencari petunjuk

...
...
...

kini
saat hati mula beralah
takdir telah pun berubah

usah dikesal
kerana kau yang cari pasal!

the true failure of... so called frenship...

2010-04-03T02:41:00.007+08:00

i found mike’s fb account today, and was so shocked to find out that she’s married. mike, my so-called bff is married and i knew nothing about it. i sent her a message (via fb) and sms-ed her mobile. late at night, she texted me back :

“dah kawin daa..mana tau?”

mad. sad. hell i dunno what i feel actually. i just couldn’t stop crying till now. suddenly, i asked myself…

what is it that most pple strive for in life?

the one thing above all else than this material world yang penuh kepalsuan we live in? maybe although a lot of us might try to deny it, it is the comfort and security of a family or whoever we cared for above all else, kannn? i mean, family in this sense tak semestinya related by blood. having blood ties doesnt mean u're a family. bapak bunuh 3 orang anak? abang rogol adek? no. it’s not family. family means perasaan kasih sayang, pengorbanan, care and devotion to each other above all else, termasuklah persahabatan. it is a bond that cannot easily be broken.

and i asked myself another questions. what is ‘failure’ to the pple under ur watch or pple u care for? is ‘failure’ really the fact that they can get hurt? that they die on while they are under ur watch?

think about it, we desire companionship, frens, lovers. we are social creatures that thrive on the company of others. we are damaged in heart and mind when we are deprived from others. kita menjadi self-destructive and fatalistic in nature becoz we are unable to connect ourselves to others. so how can it not be that in all the things we do, all the things we work for whether money or power, in the end it is the desire to be in the company of others that we desire the most?

so, what would failure to these pple mean? i used to think that its the fact that they will be hurt, that some will die. i've beaten myself in some nights becoz of this. but apa yg berlaku hari ini made me realise, since the world is full of hurt and death, there is no way that i can prevent hurt from anyone, or death to others. no… that would mean it cannot be a failure for me.

failure would mean that i stopped giving a damn for pple, stopped giving a damn for my frens and family. in the world so full of pain and torment, the last thing i should do to the pple i care for is to STOP giving a damn. they would hurt, and unless i can prevent it, they can die. dan adatnya, most pple, all they desire above all else is a someone who would care for them and comfort them in their time of need.

sometimes all it takes is one person to give a damn about someone. to not let anyone be left behind, no matter what the cost. that's what family is about isn't it? that’s what frenship is all about, rite?

never let anyone be left behind. never stop giving a damn about someone. it is the most painful thing u could ever do to a person. it is the greatest failure u can even do to someone.

never let go of hands that hold on to u. never turn ur back on the pple that would do the same too.

never.

ever.

aaaaaahhhhh!!!!

2010-03-04T01:54:00.002+08:00

bukan mudah
berakhir tanpa noktah

rasa tak terluah
dendam menjulang sumpah

aku?
kamu?
siapa salah?

d.i.a.m.

2010-02-28T18:18:00.000+08:00

diam
bukan bererti tak apa-apa
atau baik-baik saja
atau tak pernah merasa marah
atau merasa terlalu kisah

diam
lantaran tak bisa melakukan apa-apa
atau bilang kalau baik-baik saja
bukan juga tiada amarah
kerana bukan kamu yang memiliki dia
tapi dia yang memiliki kamu

dia dan dia
kini mereka keduanya!!!

tentang duka dan luka

2010-02-18T01:04:00.003+08:00

old wounds never go away do they? they always leave scars behind. walaupun aku merasakan they are gone, but everytime sebenarnya i touch them, i feel them. they are always there, they have always been there and will always be there. be there to bring back the memories of past pain and hurt. and the worst thing is... it will always hurt.

and these scars of mine, bukan sikit. sangat banyak. i try hard to hide it, and bear it all like a great superwoman. but oh, u can see it? well maybe i'm just not good enough. only God knows how i try looking away from them, i try removing them (it's only makes things worse, dan itulah yang paling menyakitkan sebenarnya,), i try everything just so i dont have to remember what went behind those scars. sumpah aku cuba. tapi tak kira mcmana pun the scars tetap ada di situ. it is there whether i want it to be or not. and there is nothing i can do to erase it. no, i could never wash it all away. well… at least not completely.

agaknya, that's what scars are for; they are there to serve as a reminder of things long past, things that i painfully bled from, things that hurt sooo freaking bad. dan setiap kali melihat someone else hurts the way i did, bleeds in tears and asked why to a Being that gives answers few can understand, the scars are what reminds me of what happens when i was too slow to avoid the bullet, and when i didnt dress the wound in time… it is quick to hurt, slow to heal.

yesss, the scars may eventually heal… faded but never forgotten. it's the way its supposed to be. never to be forgotten.

God have mercy if i ever forgot my scars.

God forgive me if i ever do.

... / ???

2010-02-14T16:59:00.003+08:00

mati nyali
antara denyut nadi
...

berhenti di sini
atau terus berilusi
???

this is me - the loner - talking...

2010-01-20T00:09:00.009+08:00

aaa... it's been a while, huh? seems like i'm neglecting this blog, but the truth is, i am not. i'm just keeping my little solitary existence (i have to admit) occupied with books, and books, and books, and more books.

but pple need pple. that's the law of universe, the honest truth of things. aku bley kata that i'm more comfortable being alone. even kadang2 aku rasa happy to realise that i, seorang manusia yg kehidupan hariannya (nampak) riuh dgn dikelilingi segala jenis manusia, am actually a loner. tapi bila aku consider all that there is in life… it boils down to one simple equation. manusia perlukan manusia.

i've been a loner for a large part of my life, hampir sepanjang hidup aku. yup, i'm a loner indeed, walaupun most pple who think they know me inside out might think differently. always being at the center of attention (or sorta, not to be exaggerated) and having all sort of frens from all angles of life doesnt mean i am not a loner, or popular at all. and being a loner u see, i tend to learn a lot of things by the end of it. i learn to appreciate the sound of silence. i learn to appreciate the fact that i dont have to deal with a lot of dolts out there who signal left then turn right. i learn to appreciate that the things in life are more efficient, more simple when there is no one around to mess up the regular routine that i have walled myself up under.

then again… some things in life just make me realise that just becoz things are far more efficient, just becoz i dont waste more time cleaning up the mess that other idiots leave behind, doesnt mean i end up being satisfied with what i have. yesss, i never satisfied with what i have.

aku tak tau what things will make pple change their mind but it's hard for me as a loner to change this mindset to realise that hidup ni sebenarnya sukar utk ditempuh sendirian. but what i know, it took me a damn whole series of life changing events before i realised this fact that i need pple around me. at the end of it, life itself, no matter how troublesome and painstakingly annoying to be with pple, always end up with things tasting (even only slightly) better than i can experience without pple around to share it with. itupun, still aku rasa, i'm better off alone.

maybe sbb life like all things need that sense of unpredictable chaos, that wedge in the gears to make things a little more… interesting. as a loner, i'm in control of everything. i shun lots of pple (A LOT, that is) sbb aku rasa life ends up being simpler and as such… everything i do ends up by my own hands. i do things as best to my abilities… and that's all that i can be.

manusia sebenarnya… unpredictable, really. ada complete morons, that's for sure. catatonic idiots that i would love to burn in a large bonfire. but deep down i know it doesn't mean that i can't have pple that are worth paying attention to, pple who can give ideas worth following, pple who can make things even more efficient than i have already pushed it, pple who give me a reason to make things better in my life, a reason to live for more than just surviving for myself. God i know that all very well.

and whether i like it or not, pple are all connected to each other. laen la kalau aku moved myself to an uninhabited island where i am totally cut off from the world at large (which i always dream of). tapi nak buat mcamana, i live in a society of interactions. it's pretty hypocritical la kan to say i dont need pple sedangkan i always realise that everything i have or everything i own or eveything i rely on… depends on pple to make, create, maintain or otherwise bagi pada aku. so rather than closing up to the world i'm simply a part of, why is it so hard to live a little in it? sadly, inilah soalan yg selalu aku tanya diri aku.

sah2 la kan, relationships with pple are complicated. then again since when is life ever that easy to begin with? the only equation i can see here is this… oleh sbb it's more complicated to begin with, maknanya the rewards i get from it are even greater than that i can get on my own. yeah fine… i got all the bad shit when i'm with pple. but just becoz it's the first thing that i can see, doesn't mean it's the last thing i'll experience.

but, if only it's all that simple.

and, at the end of it, it's all up to myself. being a loner, i can't get enuf of this life of the solitary wolf. it takes a hell lot to change my mind and more often than i'm always stubborn about it seeing all that i can see. then again, the best things in life dont come by standing on my own. i always know that. pple always been social animals driven by the purpose of working together to creating something greater than themselves.

now, a big question to myself;

dont u think it's time for u to take a chance and make a change?

truth is... i dunno...

of little dreams of mine...

2009-12-30T10:11:00.002+08:00

dance the streams of the stars in the darkness of the night...

wish your dreams no matter how far would be true and shine so bright.

never thought everything would end this way

2009-12-05T20:57:00.010+08:00

sometimes its hard to tell myself that what i do has a greater calling to it. it's that hard to surrounded by pple yet feel so completely alone at times. but day in day out i have to remind myself that its the sole reason why i allow myself to lose frens. there are days when i want to break down and just wish it all away, wish i didnt have to know of the consequences of what i know, wish i didnt have to feel obligated to try and fix things.

but i can't now… aku tak boleh menanges over what i know, aku tak boleh turn back the clock and live a life like most pple. that door is closed, forever. i will be who i am. aku akan tetap jadik aku dan mustahil aku dapat mengubah the events of the past… but given knowledge of it… i can at least do what we're all supposed to do. make a difference for the future.

but just for once i'm allowing myself one small regret to the pple that were there for me, espeshli the one who stood by me until he could not stand no longer. for both in the past and the future. hard as i am, it is one thing i will always look back to and regret with every part of my heart, these people were the paths that would take me to a different place, the place where i wish i could be but can't. it is that which i have to regretfully decline and one i have to live with, every waking moment of my day.

well… back to work. shouldn't be too hard this time, but then again i better not let any insecurities catch me at the last moment. so all the more to be prepared… onward to the subjects i have to study…

i love u because i know no other way than this...

2009-12-01T12:44:00.005+08:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

...
...
...

unfinished Sonet XVII by Pablo Neruda
(i mean, she is the one who couldnt finished the beautiful lines)

being copied? bahhh!!!

2009-11-23T21:51:00.003+08:00

this, this, this and this.

all pointing at him...

why?

is it bcoz someone might be thinking that i was wrong?

if so, tell me right on my face where the hell i gone wrong?

demmm!

2009-11-22T22:05:00.002+08:00

where the hell all my senses gone???!!

to kill these dreams...

2009-11-20T18:03:00.000+08:00

hidup ini tak ubah seperti sebuah drama di mana pada satu babak mampu membuat kau tertawa bahagia namun pada babak yg laen boleh membuat kau tersungkur menangisi kekecewaan dan kekalahan...

andai pernah melaluinya, cuba ceritakan padaku;

bagaimana rasanya memeluk mimpi dlm diam dan kemudian terpaksa membiarkannya mati perlahan2...???

just one thing

2009-11-19T04:31:00.001+08:00

maybe just one thing, that they do not realize...

she aint strong. she aint tough. she aint good. at all.

she's just a damn good pretender.

damn she needs those masks. desperately.

questions i wanted to, yet didnt get to ask

2009-11-18T01:18:00.007+08:00

hi,
how are u?
any progress with ur 'animal planet - white ant project'?
is that mysterious cat still around?
how's ur love doing?
maseh tabah menunggu?
atau akhernya sudah menjemu?

well,
there are few more hows and whats,
but i guess it doesnt matter now.
coz after the only question i managed to ask,
i could see all the answers in ur face.
i understand, very well.
really do.

i am sorry.
i know these three words takkan mampu menampung semua yg telah berlaku.
diulangucap ber-gazillions kali pun takkan bawa apa2 makna lagi.
but...
i have nothing else to say, anyway.
and again, i'm sorry.
i'm sorry it has to end this way.

i.am.sorry.
sweet scrummy tarty sorry,
with a little red yummy cherry on top.

masquerade

2009-11-17T16:53:00.004+08:00

ever had the feeling that u were leading another life parallel to urs, a double life?

ever had that feeling that u spent most of ur life living in so many different masks sehingga kau tak kenal lagi siapa diri kau yg sebenarnya?

ever had the feeling that u have played suatu watak utk tempoh yg terlalu lama, long enuf to be unsure who is the real u?

ever had the feeling like u're becoming the worst version of ur own self? a self that has keeps on perpetuating by persepsi orang2 di sekeliling?

ok… maybe that's a little too drastic, let's take it down to something yg lebey mudah.

ever lived ur life wearing two (or could be more) faces? one which pple expect u to be and another who u are supposed to be or who u wanna be?

perfect husbands.

faithful wives.

anak soleh/solehah.

ibu mithali.

bapa sejati.

pekerja dedikasi.

penchenta abadi.

perendu setia.

happy couples.

damn sweet lovers.

freaking hot babes.

effing cool gentlemen.

educated academicians.

fucking smart persons.

devoted best of friends.

u name it all.

the sad truth is… i do have that feeling.

tapi, aku percaya, hampir setiap org berselindung behind one of those stupid masks.

dan aku jugak percaya, semua org throughout their lives wear the masks of un-truth to protect themselves… from pple and even from their own selves. however, ada sesetengah golongan that are forced to play constant roles that are not themselves. samada for a greater good or a needful purpose, they need to play those roles day in day out. but there comes a time when the line between those roles and the life u lead jadik blur. and when that happens… u're in trouble. u’ll know what i mean, if u ever been there.

now comes the BIG question:

DO WE ACTUALLY, REALLY NEED THOSE MASKS?

...so pple, if u happen to read this, which mask are u wearing at this very moment?

emosi itu manusiawi...

2009-11-16T17:29:00.011+08:00

kita ada kerana tiada
kita ingin kerana mahu
kita malu kerana tahu
kita ikhlas kerana rela
kita emosi kerana rasa

tanpa rasa
kita bukan manusia yg sebenarnya!!!

the falling...

2009-11-15T18:22:00.001+08:00

there comes a time when u fall;

despite all ur victories, all ur accomplishments, and all ur conquests.

...there comes a time when u will fall.

terus berperang!

2009-11-14T00:06:00.009+08:00

life is one big war, indeed. semua org termasuk kau ibarat soldiers fighting an eternal battle di mana victory bermakna u will achieve contentment in life, maybe. but sekalipun kau succeed, u probably wouldn't even know it. u've been fighting this war for so long that u've forgotten what u're fighting for. u've forgotten what it means to rely back to back on the frens u trust. u've forgotten what it means to be in the arms of the person u love or to hold the hand and watch ur legacy grow up. u take this war for granted so much so that u're tearing urself up time after time becoz u forgot u're ekceli not fighting to survive… u're fighting to LIVE.

mungkin kedengaran agak pessimistic di situ, cynical even… but that's what life does to u. u start out carefree and innocent, then u get enlisted to fight for ur existance and it turns u into someone who can't see anything but the suffering u create in ur own world. tapi as cynical as u have become, consider urself lucky lah… cuba buka mata dan perhatikan betul2. how many pple actually do find some solace in this war? to still see some small hint of beauty and grace in a world built on uncertainty and self imposed misery. bertuahnya kau maseh mampu menyentuh lembut hujan, melihat cantiknya bulan, dan berbual dgn indah malam di tgh kalut kota.

u are soldiers alright… born into a world where u fight to live. u meant to die to ensure that ur future generation is better than u are now. tapi harus lah kan, u can't do that if 3/4 of the world gets so worked up over what they cannot change. memetik kata buddha, satu kepastian dlm hidup is that we all suffer. jadi bayangkan, kalau semua org suffer… no one said u can't turn it into ur advantage. tak berniat to go all masochistic or sadistic on pple, on u to be exact… just that there is a reason why u, and everybody else of course, suffer. if not to grow stronger for the future u're meant to build then what? kalau dlm military we push recruits to the limit to make them faster, stronger and better than they were. begitulah juga qaedahnya dlm hidup!

sebagai manusia semua org akan complain life sucks and what not. even pak2 imam berkopiah tu pun pandai complain kerajaan itu ini, rite? but did anyone not notice maybe that's how it's supposed to be? semua kepayahan dan kebertentangan itu only to make u better and stronger if u can overcome it. seems pretty logical, rite? so screw it all… so life is miserable, but u see what is supposed to be there, the only beauty and grace that all this suffering gives u. hope. hope that by surviving thru basic training, u can at least have a chance to make a better difference for not just ur future… but for frens u fight side by side, for the loved ones u hold on to and for the children who are ur future.

now, isn't that worth fighting for… isn't that worth dying for?

this day, again...

2009-11-13T13:14:00.003+08:00

life just never stops to remind me that i’m at it's mercy demmit. entah berapa kali must it remind me that one minute aku bley jadi one of the most contented human being on the planet tanpa pedulik sekuping haram pun for the world, and then the next minute i’m on the edge becoz all those reasons for contentment are the smoke screens to the ever unravelling thread of my perceptive reality…

pain is the key word of the day. it's nothing much… started with yet another restless sleepless nite, i find myself bangun pepagi alam (belum subuh pun ekceli) and dgn gigihnya ber-morning walk around flat2 sesak kat sini (sambil berimajinasi nak dpt se-unit so aku bley dok sorang2 and pasang home theatre and ber-karok kuat2 sampai menyaketkan atey jiran tetangga…) all the times both my legs were screaming for me to stop, but i kept on walking non-stop for like maybe 2 freaking hours walaupun rasanya mcm kepala lutut akan tertanggal at any given time. i didn’t run, mind u, i just walked, and walked and walked. then the usual throbbing headaches (why o why, u failed me synflex?), the constant tummy ache and this weird repeated muscle pull on my chest all the way to my shoulder.

aku sendiri tatau which should be worse, the fact that i am physically (not to mention emotionally) hurting really, really bad or the fact i don't pay any attention to it at all. i know i should be doing something about it, like see any ustaz yg terer2 and bukan setakat jumpa doctor and feed myself dgn ntah hape2 ubat lagi, but i dunno… it's just… well… it's nothing at all… i'll live. somehow i will.

then there is the whole worry thing. things that i can't avoid that just gives me this tight knot in my stomach, makes my heartbeat jadik super laju, and jantung terasa mcm dipulas2. things that are soooo gigantic that it gives me that surreal feeling… like it can't be happening to me but it is. puas ler aku cuba pejam2 my eyes and deal with things one step at the time with priorities first, but no matter what, it'll always come back to those few things in mind. it scares me to play it all in my head, sungguh, mcm horror movies yg asyik berulang tayang dlm kepala. but i can't help it. i can't stop it from playing and i very well can't shut the demmm voices up. all i can do is ride it out and make sure i don't fall off my bed doing so.

there are days when i just don't feel like fighting anymore. this is one of those days… but damned if i have to anyway. it's not something that can be stopped. life doesn't give a fucking shit whether or not aku keep fighting or jadik pompuan lembik yg kememeh, it just… keeps on moving. i just wish i could crawl up in a hole and wait for everything to right itself… HAH!!! i'd probably have to get in line with the rest of the world lah kalau mcm tu. so the least i can do now while i'm waiting is to keep doing whatever i can to make sure this fragile life that i built around me doesn't completely fall to bits. someone's gotta save me… might as well be myself, bukan org laen.

now if any of u folks yg bernaseb malang terbaca entri ni, skipped to this last paragraph becoz u thought i was babbling incomprehensibly… then u're probably on the right mind. some days even i don't make sense to me. i probably skipped to this last paragraph myself… and… there i'm membebel2 again. one of these days i'm going be found wandering the streets talking to myself. at this rate… it'll probably be soon, ye lah, pagi tadi pun dah ada tanda2 kannn...

demmm…

i.just.want.to.sleep.

Dia lebih tahu

2009-11-12T12:20:00.004+08:00

waktu kau letih dan patah semangat kerana segala usaha dan kerja kerasmu sepertinya tak memberi apa2 makna, Tuhan tahu bahawa kau sudah mencuba sedaya yg boleh. mungkin Dia hanya menunda waktu yg lebih tepat untuk kau raih apa yg kau inginkan.

waktu kau menangis saban malam dan hatimu hancur punah kerana duka dek kerenah manusia yg menyebalkan, Tuhan menghitung setiap titis air mata yg tercurah. siapa tahu akan digantikan dgn pelangi yg indah?

waktu kau merasa hidupmu terumbang-ambing bagai perahu kecil yg berlayar di tgh lautan tanpa arah kerana tiada kepastian tujuan, ingatlah… Tuhan sebenarnya ada bersamamu menunjuk jalan.

waktu kau merasa sendirian meneruskan hari2 mu, keluarga jauh di mata, teman pula entah di mana, sedarlah… hakikatnya Tuhan ada di sampingmu.

waktu kau menemukan jalan buntu sedangkan sudah mencuba segala bagai cara, Tuhan setia mendampingimu mencari jalan keluar.

waktu matamu bercahaya kerana melihat setitik harapan yg menjanjikan, saat itulah Tuhan sedang berbisik kepadamu.

waktu segala sesuatu baik adanya dan banyak hal membuatmu berterima kasih, itu bukti Tuhan sedang memimpin tanganmu.

waktu sesuatu yg menyenangkan hati terjadi dan hatimu dipenuhi rasa kagum, saat itu Tuhan sedang tersenyum manis padamu.

waktu kau memiliki tujuan untuk digapai dan mimpi untuk diwujudkan, saat itu Tuhan mencelikkan matamu dan memberimu inspirasi.

yeah, di manapun kau berada dan apapun yg kau hadapi, Tuhan tahu semuanya. janganlah kau merasa sendiri atau berkecil hati lagi kerana Dia Maha Tahu apa yg kau alami dan rasakan. Dia tidak hanya tahu, tapi Dia juga sediakan jawapan dan jalan keluar untuk setiap masalah yg kau hadapi.

kau hanya perlu mencari dan menghampiri Nya.

seperti pesan emak…

Tuhan Maha Kuasa

sebab itu ada karma

sebab itu perlu redha…

t.i.t.i.k.

2009-11-11T19:54:00.000+08:00

akhirnya
telah benar2 sampai satu titik
di mana aku tidak akan peduli lagi.

ia tidak hilang
tetap ada
tapi takkan terlihat lagi.

Tuhan Maha Kuasa
sebab itu ada karma
sebab itu perlu redha.

lupakah?

2009-11-10T20:55:00.002+08:00

emak mengajar bercerah wajah
walau langit mendung tegapkan langkah
walau taufan menggila tidak mengalah
walau terik matahari menyilau jangan mati arah
moga terpahat padat sifat qona'ah...

ye shall be judged...

2009-11-09T13:25:00.005+08:00

selalu mengampuni diri?

haha! lawak apakah?!

bukan kah lebey indah kalau pengampunan itu datang dari Tuhan,
dan pentingnya, dari sesiapa pun yg pernah teraniyakan atas sikap tidak bena kamu?

definitely...

2009-11-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

...no oranges will ever fall from apple trees.

alas, she called.

2009-11-07T23:54:00.005+08:00

"there is nothing i can do but listen. no, u never alone, dear. i cannot imagine the torture u must be going thru, but i will always watch ur back. this is just another battle we have to fight and i don't have any answers and neither do u. but we both know we'll find a way regardless."

as i put the phone down, i thought hard about my own plight, trying to push the images of desire far away from my mind. sekuat mana pun cuba bertahan, i'm still human and one way or another, i am going to falter in my step regardless. as much as i want what i want, some mistakes when done cannot be undone. and i already lost two pple yg in a way dah beri kesan sgt besar dlm hidup aku. as for her, with dangerous game afoot, she stands to lose love of her life if she doesn't thread carefully.

dan aku, can only pray and pray and pray for her.

matahari nya...

2009-11-06T22:36:00.004+08:00

cinta seperti matahari, ia akan tetap bercahaya.
walau malam menjelma, sinarnya pada bulan tetap menerangi.
terkadang ada juga waktu gerhana, tetapi akan kembali jua kecerahannya.

cinta itu seperti sinar matahari, memberi tanpa mengharap kembali.
cinta itu seperti sinar matahari, tak memilih siapa yang di sinari.
cinta itu seperti sinar matahari, yang memberi kehangatan dihati...

beruntunglah yang menjadi matahari,
beruntung juga yang menjadi bulan.
bagi rumput di lembah,
selagi cahaya matahari menyimbah,
selama itulah dedaunnya akan bernafas gagah.

heck!!!

2009-11-06T12:13:00.003+08:00

life can be suffocatingly cruel sometimes but thanx God i have Ms Wind on the other side to soften it a bit by thinking and communicating positively.

hell that is what this blog is all about anyway. different side of me talking to each other.

and yesss, i have chichi too!!!

chichi dear, walaupun kau takde telinga untuk mendengar, mulut untuk berkata2, tapi sbnrnya kau tak pekak kau tak bisu. dan sekurang2nya kau ada mata untuk melihat apa yg aku tempuh selama ni kan...? jangan ada pancaindera lengkap sempurna tapi semua menjadi tuli dek emosi!!!

could u kill ur fren, ur best fren?

2009-11-05T15:25:00.002+08:00

how much is a fren worth to u?

how far would u go before u can call someone ur fren?

how much would u do to call urself a friend?

how much would it take to keep that frenship alive?

how much would it cost u to kill ur friend?

could u kill ur best friend?

tentulah the immediate answer utk soalan terakhir adalah no, kan? tapi, what if it were to save the lives of hundred of pple. tak mungkin? what about thousands? millions? the entire world? bagaimana, would u be willing to kill ur fren… personally? sanggupkah kau melakukannya?

when pple say u can't put a price on frenship, they lie.

setiap sesuatu dlm dunia ini ada nilainya. setiap org has their own currency. persoalannya… what is ur price? how much would it take to do the things u really wouldn't do?

all prices bergantung sepenuhnya on the values u hold true in urself. how much u value the things u hold on to depends on ur outlook on the world u live in. kau selalu bercakap tentang benda2 yg di mata khalayak holds noble qualities… but more often that not, u do not follow them.

u are hypocrite.

u are driven by ur own self interests and deny in urself the inability to perform the noble deeds u often tell urself to do. hakikatnya, u have ur own pricetags that life would always pay up on. more often than u think, u are caught in ur own moral and ethical dilemmas sbb kau lupa that life doesnt give a demmm about how much ur frenship is worth or how much it's going to cost u to do it. life just gives u a choice to live for urself or with urself.

so could u kill ur best friend?

it's ur call anyway. whether u save just ur friend or the lives of many. it's just how much it's going to cost u. the only question remaining is this.

could u live with urself in the end either way?

could u?

or maybe... u just did?

what if...

2009-11-04T09:43:00.004+08:00

after 5 consecutive days that i slept after 4 am (yeah, in the morning!), i finally managed to get some really good sleep last nite, thanx to mr prozacs, ms ciprams and mrs stilnoxs. hell i HAD to take pregabalin jugak sbb celebrex and rocaltrol failed to work last nite. hameeekkk kau... high on drugs gitu.

maybe sbb segala bagai drugs yg aku amek tu, mimpi masa tdo pun jadi endah2 belaka. semua happy ending qaedahnya. siap terbangun dari tdo tu sbb kena kiss dgn prince charming wtf! siriyesss tabley blah!

tah mcmana teringat quote ni...

"What if Prince Charming had never showed up?
Would Snow White have slept in that glass coffin forever?
Or would she have eventually woken up, spit out the apple, gotten a job, a health-care package, and a baby from her local neighbourhood sperm bank?

I couldn't help but wonder: inside every confident, driven single woman, is there a deliver, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?"

yeah... what if prince charming had never showed up in my dreams? will i ever wake up again?

living thru facebook?

2009-11-03T01:10:00.014+08:00

she just realized just how pple live thru facebook. its like everybody knows how everybody else is doing, or how much fun they’re having with their lives right now, or vice versa, thru facebook. pple send birthday greetings thru facebook, rsvp for events thru facebook, make new friends on facebook, find old friends on facebook.

as a matter of fact, she just accepted few frens request on her facebook account, from frens she knows quite well even without facebook.

she's not a net junkie na-ah, so today she spends most of her time trying to understand facebook by clicking whatever things that could be clicked on facebook. she even tries to search few names she could remember from her past and gets high if she found any. she does NOT dare to add anyone as her frens, yet. but my God... she gets soooo tuned out that she forgets to talk to pple!!!

yeah, looks like she finally succumbs to facebook.

good luck babe.

ditto mike!

2009-11-02T15:38:00.004+08:00

'I like playing Doctor Evil because there's no blocking. And I get to eat a lot of chocolate. So I sit in the chair and just 'blah blah blah'. And then they take the makeup off me and I go back to the sad existence that is my life that is just pfftt, me in a shame spiral, covering up the pain that's deep within my soul because although, ironically I wanna be seen by other people; if they do see me they'll see that I'm inherently flawed.'

Mike Myers
(dlm satu wawancara entah zaman bila)

i will always be myself...

2009-11-01T11:54:00.000+08:00

whatever course of action i take, it would be good to remember that at the end of it, my blog is for myself. even if i'm writing for an audience, the reason i would do that is for me to have pple read and respons about things i wrote.

so yesss, i'm ready to let myself be seen and be heard. nuff said!

on second thought...

2009-10-31T00:09:00.004+08:00

remember what Cyril Connolly said?

'better to write for urself and have no public,
than to write for the public and have no self.'

if u're writing for urself, wouldn't that mean that u aren't going to have many readers in the first place?

if u're going to write for an audience, isn't that going to make u look cheap and dishonest?

and one thing for sure, by turning this personal sanctuary of urs to a public blog, u're already resigned to the fact pple are going to read ur blog.

are u really, truly ready for that?

today...

2009-10-30T19:09:00.005+08:00

i welcome the world!!!

decided!

2009-10-30T18:27:00.006+08:00

i've been giving this blog a serious thought...

i'm going PUBLIC!!!

'friendship is one soul inhabiting two bodies... '

2009-10-29T23:54:00.002+08:00

apa

mungkinkah...

telah

sampai

pada

satu

titik

di mana

aku

sudah

tidak

lagi

peduli?

jawapan buat seorang sahabat...

2009-10-28T23:52:00.005+08:00

u might not get to read this, tapi persoalan tentang kenapa aku enggan berkongsi cerita sendiri, tapi sebaliknya sentiasa bersedia menadah masalah org laen bagaikan semua itu adalah makanan jiwa yg sgt mengenyangkan, aku ceritakan di sini.

aku berpegang kuat dgn pendirian that the burden of my experience should only be mine to bear. rasanya mcm tak adil to expect pple to understand becoz they haven't gone thru it. more often than not, some experiences mengajar aku that some experiences should never have to be experienced by the pple that haven't lived thru them. for some, what happened would be their first time seeing it. for others, it would be a familiar sight that becomes part of their ability to deal with the world they live in.

what happened, happened and there isn't anything i could do. no blame should be given tak kira pada sesiapa pun. no guilt should be felt, walaupun ada sedikit kesal. no remorse should be shouldered. i can only feel the sadness of loss and hanya mampu berharap that the suffering ended, even if it was by choice. in times like this, it is a moment of reflection, not just of the fragility of the human body, but the fragility of the human mind. some pple battle with their demons all their life and rise to the occasion. some never recover. itulah sbbnya i choose the choices in my life. for better or worse, it's my own way of making sure the demons are kept at bay.

yet, that doesn't mean i’m alone. even in the company of pple who haven't walked in my shoes, i can find comfort in knowing that they are there for me. not as pple that understand, but as pple yg sentiasa mengingatkan aku that the world didn't have to be the war i fight against day and night. pple who remind me of a time we laugh and smiled with innocence. pple who remind me that there is always something worth living for.

yeah, most of them are bound by blood. tapi setengah yg laennya dlm jumlah yg boleh dikira hanya dgn jari sblh tangan, adalah spt kamu.

thanx God i met u… LINA… a fren yg betul2 memahami bahawa erti persahabatan itu bukan sekadar ucapan i love u, i miss u whatsoever, tapi datang dari keikhlasan hati menyokong satu sama laen utk menempuh kehidupan. kita tak kuat, tapi aku ada kamu, dan kamu ada aku...

just a thought...

2009-10-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

i just realized it's been more than a year since i've been blogging here silently amidst the chaotic world of the internet.

and the question hits me, again...

'what if i go public?'

“what makes u come all the way up here?”

2009-10-26T14:37:00.009+08:00

“kalau haus…?” “minum.”

“kalau lapar…?” “makan.”

“kalau ngantuk…?” “tdo.”

“kalau letey…?” “rehat.”

“kalau…”

there, she stopped.

“kalau…?”

‘kalau rindu… nak buat apa?’

she wanted to ask, yet the question only echoed in her head. she knew very well what the answer might be.

Big Red Strawberry Farm, CH

dia sedar

matanya tak mampu melihat

telinganya tak bisa mendengar

tangannya tak mungkin menyentuh

jadi inilah saja caranya dia mengubat hati…

she misses him badly.

that’s why she’s here.

Tuhan, sampaikan rindu ini padanya.

'undefined relationship' ... yea riiiittteee...

2009-10-25T11:27:00.005+08:00

bergembiralah
kerana hari ini semakin terbukti that u were right all the way
he fooled you!!!

betapa bijaknya dia bermain kata2
begitu hebatnya dia memperbodohkan emosi kamu
tidakkah ini semua cukup untuk membuka matamu seluas2nya?
tidakkah sangat jelas bahawa langsung tidak ada ruang untuk kamu dlm hidupnya?
apa lagi yg kau mau
apa lagi yg kau tunggu, huhhh???

if only u knew...

2009-10-24T01:27:00.001+08:00

salammm akak...
apa khabar...
yer..lerrr
dah lupe sy...
arap....akak ceria2 n selalu bergumbire.....
sentiase selera......
x saket....
terang fikiran...tenang atey......lena tdo....
senyom sokmo...
x hemo
ape lagi ek....
dahhh tu jek....laen2 akak piki sendiri.....tp yg baek2 lerr
cume.....satu jek.....sy sentiasa ingat akak.....selamenyer.....
doa sy selalu mengiringi perjuangan akak......salammmmmm windu dari sy akak!!! bubbyeee
salammmmmmmmmmmm

a-beng (23/10/2009 10:00:22 PM)

boy...
how could u say i lupa when not a single moment passes by without me thinking of u?
how could u wish i'm ceria gembira inside out when all my smile and laugh is fake?
how could u wish me terang fikiran when not a single page of books i read without my thought running to u?
how could u wish me tdo lena when almost every night i have to endure all the heartache and pain?
how could u be so cruel telling me that u'll remember me forever when u hardly notice that i'm exist?

boy...
if only u knew...
if only u knew what's on my prayer...
if only u knew how much i miss u...
if only u knew...
but i guess u'll never know...

kerana KITA hanya manusia biasa...

2009-10-23T17:35:00.007+08:00

remember when u had to wait for almost an hour semata2 untuk menikmati keghairahan menaiki roller coaster corkscrew di genting theme park? masih ingat betapa penatnya ketika beratur menunggu giliran untuk mencuba spaceshot? bagaimana perasaannya ketika mulai menaiki permainan itu dan ditunggang terbalikkan sampai adrenalin mendesak otak, seluruh tubuh menjadi seram sejuk, nyawa bagaikan di hujung tanduk lalu kau menjerit sehabis kuat mengharap semuanya segera berakhir? namun apabila semuanya berhenti, anehnya kau merasakan satu kepuasan malah ingin mencubanya lagi walaupun perut agak mual. cuba ingatkan keadaan diri kau ketika itu. setiap detik dan minit.

that is what life is all about. kau harus sedar bahawa tak selamanya kau akan berada di dlm roller coaster itu. ada masa semua kemeriahan, kesenangan, kebahagiaan akan meninggalkan atau harus ditinggalkan.

pasti kau masih ingat few moments yg sgt membahagiakan yg berlaku dlm hidupmu. satu masa yg sgt menggembirakan sehingga wajah seakan memancarkan cahaya hangat, mata bersinar menyerlahkan kebahagiaan yg bukan dibuat2. namun bagaimana keadaannya ketika happy moments itu harus berlalu dari dirimu, tak menyisakan apapun kecuali kenangan bahagia dan torehan kepedihan sekaligus.

jika kenangan indah itu tiba2 datang, kenanglah semuanya. rasakan indahnya saat semua kenangan itu terjadi dan biarkan ia merasuk fikiranmu. nikmati semuanya… jangan ditolak, kerana menafikan saat indah itu hanya akan menyakiti dirimu sendiri. dan jangan pernah mengubah kenangan itu dgn menghadirkan kepedihan yg akhirnya akan melukakan hatimu sendiri.

bersyukurlah kerana telah mendapat pengajaran yg sgt penting pada satu titik dlm kehidupanmu. meskipun kau tahu, selamanya kau takkan mungkin menyentuhnya, malah landasan kamu dgnnya terpisah semakin jauh.

bersyukurlah kamu pernah melalui semua itu tanpa pernah mengharap balasan apapun, meski keinginan itu bagaikan pukulan bertalu2 yg mengasak setiap penjuru otakmu, menghambat setiap detak jantungmu, dan bahkan meledak2 pd setiap denyut nadi dlm tubuhmu. walaupun hatimu terasa dirobek2 seakan dirimu adalah satu entiti yg tak berharga.

kembangkan rasa syukurmu, bahawa apapun yg berlaku, semanis manapun awalnya dan segetir manapun akhirnya, itu yg terbaik. dan Maha Pemurah Tuhan membenarkan kau menikmatinya walau sebentar…

hidup akan terasa indahnya ketika bersabar atas kepedihan yg datang, dan ikhlas atas kehilangan. walaupun kau sendiri tahu, tak tergambar betapa byk air mata yg mengalir atas semua itu.

itu wajar, kerana kita – kau dan aku - hanya manusia biasa.

Merisik Khabar - Sudirman

2009-10-22T23:51:00.000+08:00

so today is his birthday.
i wish i could tell him that he's still on my praying list.

but to know that he's doing good,
that he receives the lovely wishes from his loved one,
that is more than enough for me.
semoga Tuhan beri kebahagiaan untuk mereka...

tabah lah duhai hatey...

2009-10-21T13:23:00.002+08:00

kadang2, billboard tepi jalan pun bley buat hatey tersenyum...

jadilah sekuat trak dan bas, makcik...

mengeluh lagi...

2009-10-20T15:51:00.004+08:00

some pple know for a fact with a certain sense of disbelief i walk a hard life inside. some pple find it hard to believe that there is such thing as a life as hard as i describe it to be. tapi aku tau la kan i've had it tough becoz after all… hey, it is my life.

kalau bukan aku sendiri yg tau dan paham what i've been going thru all these years, who else does anyway?

but all in all when it comes down to it, no matter how much i may hate the life i live, no matter how much i may whine and complain about it when i have the chance, no matter how bad i merempan2 and menyoal2 on what has been happening… thanx God, i've always moved on.

no matter what, i have to keep moving on. but, that doesn't mean i can let go of it.

i've realised that yeah… there will be no love that can contend with the love i have for him. it's not that i won't give anyone else a chance, tapi aku rasa, what i feel for him (ok… belum past tense lagi) is one of a kind. it's the kind that would never die, the kind that comes back to menghantu-jerangkung in the middle of the night or even in the most secure part of my life. the kind that despite the hell raised on earth, it's still the slice of heaven very few ever see.

let it be said that somewhere in my head and heart, i know i have to have a little more sense for myself, but at least not without a degree of stubbornness that i'm known for. yea, aku keras atey, kepala batu… i know everybody knows that. but aku percaya some things are worth keeping all my life even though i walked up ahead from it.

even if it causes the nights of headaches and heartaches.
even if risks losing the chances for another person to love me.
some things are worth keeping in life for what they are.
it's just what a sentimental person is all about.
it's just what i am all about.

i'm like a biiiirrrrrrrdddd...

2009-10-17T23:47:00.000+08:00

bagaikan burung
pertama kali bertemu sangkar emas
dia hinggap dan ingin menetap
sayang sebenarnya
sangkar emas itu
hanya membawa derita

dia cuba bertahan
mengerah semua tenaga
kerana pada rahimnya telah tersemai benih cinta
yang ingin ditelurkan

tapi hakikatnya
sangkar itu penuh duri
yang selalu melukai tubuh kecilnya
mematah2 sayapnya
hingga terasa mustahil untuk kembali terbang

akhirnya dia menyedari
telah salah firasat hati
silap menempati
sangkar emas tak pernah peduli
sampai masanya dia harus pergi
terbang ke destinasi tak tahu pasti

berapa lama lagi...

2009-10-15T06:06:00.001+08:00

do i have to wake up every morning, thinking of u?

and go to sleep at night, dreaming of u?

Te Wo Tsunagou, makcik

2009-10-14T19:09:00.003+08:00

If you listen closely, you would hear
The sounds of laughter and tears.
This is the sound of everyone living with the ones they love.

If, in crossing the wide ocean, you find yourself lost at sea...
Take my hand and we will go together towards that shining light.

If you were to argue,
embrace each other again afterwards
and share the “weaknesses” you both face.

Is there really such a thing as words that speak of eternity’s meaning?
When I think of the future, I begin to grow frightened but
Because it has always been a continuing dream through all this time...
Let us join hands and face tomorrow together

When my heart was crying out to you,
You turned to look ahead and kept on walking,
Pretending as if you didn’t notice me.

In this photograph, you are smiling back at me...
Did you picture this moment then?

Keeping up with the world is difficult, isn’t it?
In my breaking voice, I could no longer reach you
But even then, throughout time, there will be days when I keep crying out...

As my “hope” extends into the time when flowers bloom
I feel an immense strength born from within all this.

Are there really words that could touch the meaning of eternity?
As I look into the future, I become afraid but
We’ve been living in a continuing dream throughout life...
Of this, I am certain.

If I were to ascend to these heavens, I wonder if we would still see each other?
Through my teary-eyed self, I send my thoughts to you
Because I never doubted the fact that when you believe, you will achieve...
Facing forward then, let us join hands.

in the rain...

2009-10-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

i may have lost the one i have ever loved
ever
but at least
i haven't entirely lost myself

whatever traces
of which i have left
i am slowly regaining my life

cinta : sebuah jawaban

2009-10-12T12:16:00.002+08:00

cinta adalah sebuah cinta
dengan seribu rupa dan warna
kadang memberi bahagia
kadang membawa nestapa

kerana cinta adalah cinta sebenarnya
cinta adalah sebuah kemenangan hati
cinta adalah sebuah ketenangan jiwa
cinta adalah memberi tanpa diminta

cinta adalah adalah cinta terjalani
menembus relung imajinasi
menembus batas nurani
menembus ruang terpatri

begitupun cinta tetap cinta
kerana cinta adalah keikhlasan
kerana cinta adalah kedalaman rasa
kerana cinta bukanlah nafsu semata

dan cinta tetaplah cinta
tanpanya hidup terasa hampa
dengannya hidup penuh cita-cita
bersamanya hidupkan lebih bermakna

c'monnn...!

2009-10-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

'perghhhhh.....'

is that all u can say???

request 'accepted' anyway...

2009-10-10T14:31:00.002+08:00

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
kelakarnyaaaaaaaaaa!!!

setelah dekat 2 tahun 'berkawan', tiba2 hari ni dia add aku dlm friends' list.
siriyesssss... apakah?
A-PA-KAH?!!!

ataupun,
memang selama ni dia tak pernah anggap aku sebagai kawan.
tapi tong sampah tempat dia buang segala benda yg kotor dan keji.
mungkin.

eh, noooooooooo....
ini bukan mungkin!!!

tapi ini adalah hakikat yg sebenar2nya.
dia tak pernah melihat aku selayaknya perempuan bermaruah, tapi mcm pelacur.
dan blog aku tak pernah tersenarai dlm blog kegemarannya walaupun berpuluh kali katanya 'suka' baca (BULLSHITTTTT!!!) sampah yg aku tules.

tau?
tau kenapa?

sebab aku cuma tin kosong.
aku bukan seperti manusia yg dia bayangkan.
cakap omputeh berdengung2 tapi sebenarnya bodoh kedaung.
apa yg aku merapu takde nilai, semua layak campak lombong.
aku hanya tau menghentam sana sini tapi diri sendiri mcm beruk pak long.

aku tau...
aku taaaaaaaaauuuu...
sejak awal lagi aku dah sedar semua ni, tapi sengaja aku butakan mata.
aku diamkan, sbb kalau aku cakap macamana pun, dia lagi bijak putar belit maksud aku.
maklumlahhhh... doktor falsafaaaahhh...

tapi tak apalah.
betul lah tu.
biarlah...
biarlah aku jadi sampah di mata dia.
aku dah tak kisah.

wakakakakakakkkkk!!!
(dan ketawa yg terakhir ini adalah atas kebodohan sendiri).

cinta : bila kan mengerti

2009-10-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

sejuta manusia bercerita tentang cinta
tapi dia meratapi dan memusykilkan cinta
dia bertanya benarkah ada cinta

apakah cinta itu
apakah cinta itu nafsu belaka
apakah cinta sebuah lelucon jenaka
apakah cinta seperti butiran air mata

jawablah
benarkah cinta itu ada
ketika ada rasa menyatu dua hati
apakah itu yang disebut cinta
ketika ibu mengasihi anaknya
apakah itu yang disebut cinta
ketika hamba sujud pada Penciptanya
apakah itu yang disebut cinta

mengapa cinta sering berlinang nestapa
bukankah cinta itu seharusnya bahagia

cinta
tanpanya tak akan ada seribu cerita
walau melaut duka lahir kerana cinta
kerana itulah cinta ada di dunia
namun dia tetap tak mengerti tentang cinta

the truth is...

2009-10-08T00:32:00.000+08:00

life is no joke no more...

sedar kah?

2009-10-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

kau terlalu ghairah
mengepak sayap mimpi
menongkah langit kelam
kononnya ingin menggapai bintang

tapi kau lupa
andai kau pandang ke bawah
dan selam ke dasar lautan
di sana ada mutiara putih
yang pasti bisa kau genggam!!!

lekatan : whatever that means...

2009-10-06T15:57:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry that i have 'lekatan'. but aren't we all have it too...??

sometimes i can't help being who i am. apa pun, aku percaya we are all products of our environment and whatever we react to. perhaps sesuatu yg dia anggap 'lekatan' pada aku is merely my natural instinct. often said without thought or regard for consequences. mannn, aint we are all slaves and victims to our own situation regardless of how much we believe in choosing our own roads.

and i'm not saying he was all wrong about my 'lekatan'. kalau cakap aku ni narcist terus, kan senang.

*sigh*

sekeping dari keping-keping hati

2009-09-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

badai itu telah membuat hatinya retak
dan perlahan-lahan menghancur
menjadi kepingan-kepingan kecil
berserakan di tiup angin

namun
dalam kepedihan dan kerapuhan diri
dia cuba mencari kembali kepingan yang hilang
lambat-lambat dia menata dan membentuk
satu demi satu
satu demi satu
satu demi satu
sehingga dia tersedar
satu kepingan yang terpaling penting
masih belum ditemukan

angin melihat jiwanya yang gundah
lalu dikhabarkan sebuah berita
ternyata kepingan yang penting
tertinggal pada sebuah raga
yang selamanya takkan mungkin mengerti
erti kepingan itu

dia mengeluh dan terpunduk
tidak
dia tidak akan menagih kepingan itu dipulangkan
cuma dia mengharap
di mana pun kepingan itu tersangkut
hargailah ia...