aku adalah angin...

as free as the wind...

i ain't a smart person. ilmu setakat paras buku lali itik berenang. tak pernah bertambah, susut adalah.

yes, aku suka baca buku. mcm2 buku, apa2 buku. janji buku. tapi semakin banyak yg aku baca, aku rasa semakin bodoh.

buku tentang sikap, tak membantu aku jadi lebey baek. i'm still an asshole.
buku tentang pemikiran manusia2 hebat di dunia, hanya buat aku rasa kecik.

buku tentang penampilan, hahaha aku rasa mcm badut!


i dont act nice.
i dont think nice.
i dont look nice.
i dont write nice.
and i always do things that will eventually led others to think bad of good things.

always there are stupid dumb questions running in my head. i notice how my life is based on five simple words... who/what, when, where, why and how? most of the times, i use what to determine the course of life. aku (dan adakah the people around pun sama jugak?) asked these questions almost every nano second of life. be it to myself, or, to other.


WHO AM I NOW AND WHO WILL I BE IN THE FUTURE?

WHAT DO I HAVE NOW AND WHAT WILL I HAVE IN THE FUTURE?

WHEN DID I BECAME THIS AND WHEN WILL I BECOME THAT?

WHY AM I LIKE THIS AND WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT?

HOW DID I MANAGE TO BE LIKE THIS AND HOW CAN I BE LIKE THAT?


questions, questions, questions. in a good and guided way, these questions would bring lots of enlightments and enhancements in life. or, in an opposite manner - destruction and despair. but then, what is the "good and guided" and what is not?

tapi pada aku, it matters not. the questions yg aku tanya pada diri sendiri and others are sign boards in this life's long highway. dlm kehidupan realiti, walaupun aku gigih membaca signboard di tepi jalan, tetap sesat. i've no sense of direction. mungkin aku tak reti baca signboard, or asking the wrong question, and getting the wrong direction, atau... atau apa2 je lah - but then its the journey that matters most, rite? it does not matter how everything begins - but how it ends, rite?

i look back at my life. i look back at other pple's life. i notice that even in the things that we truly believe in we also have questions - some call it doubts, some call it 'reflecting our lives back'. bila dah tua ni, there's no more 'just do it' attitude, atau masih ada, tapi tak mcm zaman muda2 dulu. do bad, bad things - two questions still arise. one to justify our actions. one to punish.

rite????

kasihannn...


lelaki itu tidak pernah menyapa perempuan ini.

berjalan di depan perempuan ini dengan selamba (atau mungkin dia tidak tahu dan tidak sedar ada seorang perempuan di situ? sentiasa berada di depan matanya setiap detik dan ketika? mencuri2 memandangnya dari balik suratkhabar dan terburu2 menunduk menyembunyikan wajah tatkala lelaki itu merasa ada seseorang yg memperhatikannya?).

bibir lelaki itu terus menghisap berbatang2 rokok saban hari. asap yg berterbangan singgah pada wajah perempuan ini. tapi adakah lelaki itu tahu, kalau asap rokoknya sedikit pun tidak pernah meracuni perempuan ini malah dihirup ibarat manisnya madu.


mulut lelaki itu tetap berceloteh di telefon bimbitnya tanpa mempedulikan situasi sekeliling (atau mungkin dia peduli, tapi dia terlalu sibuk untuk mengambil berat), tanpa pernah melihat bahawa perempuan ini begitu mengagumi setiap ledakan tawanya, setiap gurau sendanya, setiap makian, setiap kalimat amarah, setiap emosi yg terhambur, setiap rayuan (yg menyiksanya!), dan setiap huruf2 yg berhamburan keluar dari mulutnya.


dan perempuan ini juga tidak pernah menyapanya.
duduk saja di situ.
memerhati dalam diam, tapi hatinya menjerit,


“heeeeeeeeyyy!!! lihat aku! aku di sini! cuba tamatkan bualmu, hentikan langkahmu, dan padamkan rokokmu!!! lihat, lihat aku di sini!!!”


“aku di sini!!! ”

dari dulu dan sampai nanti... aku tak akan pernah berhenti!”


"...meskipun lelah aku akan tetap terus begini..."


suara perempuan ini mengendur dan akhirnya hilang.

namun perempuan ini masih juga tetap di mana dia selalu berada...

terdiam dalam ruang sepi tak berteman
terlintas sebuah bayang bermain difikiran
larut dalam hayal tak bertepian

hatinya terus menyayangi
walau tahu tak pernah dipeduli
rasa itu bukan datang sesaat
tapi makin lama makin memberat

dan rasa itu telah ada entah sejak bila
sama sekali tak pernah dipinta
hakikatnya terus membara
menanti balasan yang tak pernah tiba.

i'm losing a lot of things in my life. memories, opportunities, life, sanity. i haven't had a decent sleep in the past few weeks and all that i've been up to is tossing and turning for hours on end just thinking of where i'll be going and what i'll be doing in the years to come.


given what i can do now, it's hard to say for sure what 3 months down the road will look like for me, let alone 1 year or even 5 years down the line. what i can say is that i still have things i need to do and as scared as i am, as tired and worn out as i am, as much as my sanity can bear, whatever i do still will get done.


it's a matter of what other price i have to pay to see that they are done. it's a matter of what other things in life i have to watch pass me by to get what i need. it's a matter of how many more sleepless nights i can bear before i either collapse from exhaustion or lose the rest of my sanity altogether.


somehow with that future unknown and what i know comes next… losing my sanity isn't such a bad idea after all.

hidup adalah rantaian masalah

dan kerana masalah itulah sikap setiap manusia berbeda

ya, sikap manusia tentunya berbeda

ada yg seperti ranting, saat terkena benturan mudah patah

ada yg seperti besi, jika terus ditekan akhirnya melengkung jua

ada yg seperti kapas, ketika tertiup angin dia kan melayang dan kembali mendarat dgn selamat

ada yg seperti bola pingpong, yg ketika dilemparkan maka akan memantul dengan hebatnya



namun apa sekalipun dugaan yg datang

pasti disebaliknya ada kebaikan

anggaplah masalah itu satu kekuatan

yg menekan dan menghenyak kamu

jauh ke dasar tasik

dan jadikan dirimu seperti pelampung

manfaatkan energi tekanan itu dgn baik

saat tekanan terlepas

maka kau kan menghentak, memantul dan menyembul ke atas

dgn kuat dan tingginya

lalu kau hitung dgn saksama

perhatikan hasil analisanya

bukankah kau dpt merasakan bahawa ternyata kau mampu pergi jauh lebih tinggi

daripada hanya terapung pada muka air?



maka

apa pun yg menimpamu

jadikanlah ia sumber kekuatan

untuk meningkatkan ketabahan, kesabaran, dan kekentalanmu...

i'm doomed!
no i'm not!
wait, maybe i am... hmm...





well guess what?
u might know what's behind all this in due time.
so maybe all u need is time!!!




in due time, huh?
what if time isn't on my side.
and i may have to wait too long?

malam,
gelap pekat.

sebatang lilin di tangannya
nyalanya menari dalam gelap
ada kerjap pilu masa lalu
ada binar rindu memburu
leleh di tangannya
mengiring detik demi detik
menuju terang mentari
dan ketika lilin itu lenyap
melepuh di tangan kecilnya
perlahan diusap ke muka
sambil mata menyorot cahaya
dari timur cakerawala.

i hope You know what You're doing...



...coz i dont!



Time waits for no one, sure as the tide pulls the ocean
Sure as, the path that's been chosen, cannot be changed
In my life's destination, I searched for the explaination
For some kind of reason, for my sorrow and pain
But in my isolation I learned to listen
To be thankful for the love that I'd been given

[Chorus]
This is my journey, journey through life
With every twist and turn I've laughed and cried
As the road unwinds
This is my journey, and I've learned to fight
To make me strong enough, to lift me up, to bring my dreams alive

In my desperation I swore that never again
Would I hear all the laughter of my friends and my family
A million tears that I'd cried then began to dry
In the silence of the night time
I had came to realize
A sweet inspiration filled my horizon
Gave me the heart to go on and never would give in

[Chorus]

I'm going to love each moment, of every day and night
I'll look back to the past with the sweetest smile
For now I realise, I've been given the key to life
I've been kissed by the angel by my side

[Chorus]

To bring my dreams alive
To bring my dreams alive



this is my journey afterall, mak...